Dear Jimmy,
I’m sure this never happens to you, but sometimes my mind gets to wanderin’ a mite during the sermon. That’s why I can sure understand what happened to this feller who happens to be your Uncle Orley’s cousin, Durwood Gray. His family has been goin’ to Mt. Molehill Baptist for generations. Well, anyway, as he told it to me, Durwood was just a-singin’ away on the first verse of “Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus,” and naturally, the congregation was standin’. Now, somethin’ you should know about Mt. Molehill is that the pews got put in expectin’ great crowds that have yet to show up. The pews are real close together like.
Jim White
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So Durwood is a-singin’ along at the aisle end of the fourth pew back on the right side facin’ the pulpit, which is his usual place, when this baby begins to make a racket in the middle of the pew. Well, the poor mama who works at the bank and was visitin’ with one of the other ladies who works there and is a member at Mt. Molehill tried everything she could think of to hush up the young’un, but with no success.
Along about the middle of the third verse, she made her move to take the baby out and began squeezin’ her way past the people she was sittin’ with to get out which was not easy.
Finally, by the time she gets to Durwood, she’s got the wailing tike tucked under her arm like a head of cabbage and she’s side-steppin’ her way out with determination. Well, Durwood is a mighty fine man, but he’s not what you’d call a multi-tasker, so when he’s got his mind fixed on singin’, he’s not thinkin’ about gettin’ out of this woman’s way. They didn’t collide exactly, it’s more like they just got wedged in between the too-close-together pews.
I didn’t see it, of course, but the way Durwood tells it she caught him by surprise and no matter how he tried to give her room his legs were pinned against the pew and she was pinned against his legs. Well, about the start of the fourth verse with the congregation singin’ “The strife will not be long,” they finally squirmed themselves free of each other and the mother and baby went stumblin’ out into the aisle where for just half-a-second she and Durwood locked eyes and then both of ‘em blushed themselves plumb red-faced. A split second later she was down the aisle and out the door.
Anyhow, that is all background. As the preacher was gettin’ wound up good, Durwood was thinkin’ about why those pews are so close together. He figured that two pews on each side could be taken out and the rest of them spread a little further apart. Since the pews go all the way to the wall in the back, he figured the back row could be taken out so people could move around better.
As he thought about it, he could see all kinds of good reasons — includin’ makin’ it easier for a person wantin’ to go forward to get out of the pew.
Well, he liked the idea so much he took it to the next deacons’ meetin’ where he explained his notions. Except for the fourth pew on the right side last Sunday when the visitor and her baby sat with the bank lady and her family, Mt. Molehill’s pews haven’t been packed since the fall revival back in 1978. Durwood’s idea seemed to be catchin’ on since several heads were noddin’ up and down in agreement.
One of them spoke up, “Brother Lawson, I think that’s a fine idea. Nowadays folks don’t like to be cramped. Why there’s not even room in a pew to cross your legs if you have a mind to.” Then another agreed, “Not only that, takin’ out a few pews would let folks get around better when you need to get from one side of the church to the other.
Well, that’s when the oldest deacon, I can’t remember his name, who says his place in the church is to be the abominable “no” man — and he ain’t jokin’ — spoke up. “Young man,” the codger says to Durwood who is nearly my age, “I’ll have you know my granddaddy paid for those pews and I’ll not suffer one single one of ‘em to be taken out. They are sacred to his memory and I can almost hear him spinnin’ in his grave.” Everybody else thought it sounded more like his hearin’ aid whistlin’, but nobody said so.
Well, that just killed the idea right then and there ‘cause nobody wanted to appear insensitive to the opinions of the dead. Finally, another one spoke up, “You know, with all those pews there, even though a good many of them are empty every Sunday, it’s a symbol of hope to our young people if we had any. It says we still believe that someday we’ll need those pews for the crowds of folks that will be attendin’ Mt. Molehill.” Never mind that a young woman and her baby ain’t likely to ever venture back inside the place. You’d think pews could never ever be put back if they came to be needed. Or, maybe a new church buildin’ — unless his grandpappy paid for that, too!
Baptists are some of the best folks on God’s earth, but I’ll tell you, sprinkled in amongst them are some pretty strange ones, if you ask me. I’m lookin’ forward to next week ‘cause your Uncle Orley and I will be comin’ to the annual meetin’ to gather with all those great Baptists and maybe a few strange ones, too. Since Orley and I will be there we can count on at least a couple of strange ones!
I’ll drop by the Religious Herald booth and we can talk more there.
Love, Aunt Ida
Jim White is editor of the Religious Herald.