The transition out of local church pastoral and staff ministry after 33 years on the job is proving to be a provocative, illuminating and sobering experience. Sitting on the receiving side of the pulpit is a very different way to spend a Sunday morning. Some parts of it are extremely gratifying, others a bit frustrating.
Bill Wilson
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Beyond the change in Sunday routine, I am thinking a great deal these days about the interchange between clergy and laity, and how to help encourage healthy conversation in those relationships. Last fall I led a workshop under the heading of “Seven things your pastor wishes you knew, but is afraid to tell you.” I was inspired by the title of Buzz Thomas’ excellent book of a few years ago, and thought I would try out some of my thoughts on this fine group of clergy and laity. Here were my thoughts:
It’s not their fault, but your minister didn’t learn everything they needed to be a pastor in seminary. Like doctors leaving medical school, clergy need a time to do their “residency” and learn to practice in the field what they’ve learned in the classroom. Actually, that theological education never stops — so give your minister permission to not be perfect and to always be learning. Provide money and time for those times. Everyone wins when this is a shared understanding and priority.
Pastors must learn to “choose their guilt.” There is always more to do than there is time to do it. Every minister must come to terms with an inherent guilt around what he or she did not do today. Too often that means their own family gets the left-overs. Every healthy minister wrestles with this daily. By the way, this is a dilemma for all of us regardless our vocation.
Be kind if you have a criticism. Healthy clergy welcome constructive criticism. Everyone abhors petty nitpicking. Make sure you engage in the former and not the latter. Make an appointment and talk face-to-face, and always avoid using e-mail or texting for anything that has high emotional content. If you must write, please don’t resort to an anonymous letter. Nothing is less effective or more unbecoming of a Christian. Your church needs to establish a clear and thoughtful way for the congregation to give meaningful feedback and reviews. When that is lacking, criticism usually turns ugly.
Have some realistic expectations for the pastor’s family. How many ways can we say this? Please give your minister’s family an extra measure of grace. Life in the fishbowl is real and often a major source of anxiety. Affirm whenever you can, and if you have a genuine concern, re-read #3.
Please err on the side of generosity. I’m not just talking about money, though I am talking about money. I also mean be generous with your attention, your questions, your interest, your ability to remember my mother’s name, your laughter, your food, your jokes, your invitations to ball games, your life.
Your pastor loves you, but he/she may or may not like you. Just like in your family; there are days when your spouse/child/parent loves you, but is frustrated by you or wondering what they did to deserve you. That ambivalence is part of being human. Own it, expect it and try not to be surprised by it.
Your comfort is not your pastor’s primary concern. I hope you know this. If not, read the Bible and remind yourself why your church exists in the first place. You may unconsciously think that making you happy is why your pastor is on the job, but that is not our assignment or our call. Trying to be priest (comforting the afflicted) and prophet (afflicting the comfortable) to the same people is confusing, messy and an invitation to misunderstandings.
Our group engaged in fine conversation around each point, and I sensed a genuine interest in thinking more along these lines. Our last item was to respond to my request of the laity present to tell me “what you wish your pastor knew, but are afraid to tell them.” Next time around, I’ll share those revealing thoughts.
Bill Wilson is president of the Center for Congregational Health in Winston-Salem, N.C. A former Virginia Baptist pastor and president of the Baptist General Association of Virginia, his columns appear in each issue of the Herald.