This second week of January is likely hard for plenty of evangelical men who made New Year’s resolutions not to lust. I know, because I used to be one of them.
Even President Jimmy Carter had to deal with this. In a 1976 interview with Playboy, Carter famously admitted to “lust” and committing “adultery many times in my heart.” Comedians and journalists went after him for admitting it, with one cartoon showing Carter lusting after the Statue of Liberty. According to Carter, it became “the No. 1. story of the entire 1976 campaign” and “nearly cost me the election.”
Rick Pidcock
Processing New Year’s resolutions about their human struggle with lust is an experience many evangelical men have on an annual basis. It causes great stress as the shame and desires build seemingly out of their control.
Having spent over 37 years of my life in conservative evangelicalism, I know this struggle. But ironically, it’s no longer an experience for me since deconstructing my evangelical theology.
If you’re still an evangelical, you’re probably thinking that’s because I left my theology behind in order to have nonstop sex with hundreds of women. After all, the desire to sin is what organizations like The Gospel Coalition claim about those of us who deconstruct. But while that’s an effective form of fear mongering, it’s not true of my experience.
Of course, I’m not a professional therapist. I have no training in human sexuality beyond what might be covered in an occasional seminary class. But what I do have is experience going from being overcome with fear about lust to hardly ever thinking about it.
“What I do have is experience going from being overcome with fear about lust to hardly ever thinking about it.”
Here are 10 practical ways evangelical men can move toward freedom and sexual health, rather than continuing to spiral out of control over another year of inevitably wrecked resolutions.
Recognize how evangelical theology has created a false sexuality binary.
You may have noticed how my introduction to this article focused on the sexuality of men and completely ignored the sexuality of women. That’s because in the world of evangelicalism, this tends to be the binary. Men are seen as visual, desperately sexual creatures, while women are considered to be mostly nonsexual and needing to be emotionally prepped first before the rare moment of wanting sex.
In the book Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker write: “Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.” Then later, “Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him.”
Given how many millions of evangelicals have been shaped by this book, consider what these statements mean for this week. Men deciding not to lust means going “cold turkey,” so women are feeling the need to be their “methadone-like fix.”
In this framework, women are dehumanized as drugs or sex toys with no real desire or human identity in and of themselves, while men are blocked from truly being present with women as people. Living by these assumptions keep evangelicals trapped in sexual dysfunction.
Notice the connection between false sexuality binaries and shame.
What if you are an evangelical woman who becomes aroused on a daily basis? What if you are a woman who gets visually stimulated? In these cases, you’re probably going to wonder if there’s something wrong with you and experience deep shame for being sexual to the degree you are.
In his book Addicted to Lust: Pornography in the Lives of Conservative Protestants, sociologist Samuel Perry says about Protestant women who watch porn, “Not only do they experience the guilt and shame of committing sexual sin but also they are forced to deal with the social challenges and intrapersonal turmoil of sinning against their gender — sinning ‘like a man.’ The ‘double shame’ these women often experience poses a unique challenge while also, counterintuitively, serving to reaffirm men’s God-ordained sexuality.”
Whatever one thinks about sin, masturbation or even porn, there is no such thing as sinning against your gender or “sinning like a man.” Maintaining those binaries will only serve to further shame. So deconstructing those binaries could lead toward freedom.
Acknowledge the difference between having a body and having a problem.
Sheila Gregoire, author of The Great Sex Rescue, wrote on Threads this week about “a man who finds that when he’s out in public, he does immediately focus on women’s body parts or imagine them naked.” She said while the man agreed with her that “bouncing your eyes” is avoiding the problem, he felt it was necessary in the interim for men who are healing.
One of Gregoire’s responses was, “If men can’t be out in public without causing shame to women, they shouldn’t be out in public.”
“If men can’t be out in public without causing shame to women, they shouldn’t be out in public.”
As Perry notes, a 2014 Barna Group survey discovered: “While self-identified Christian men were somewhat less likely to view pornography regularly than non-Christian men, Christian men were roughly twice as likely as non-Christian men to label their pornography use ‘excessive’ or consider themselves ‘addicted’ to pornography.”
Once again, the problem here is that evangelicals don’t seem to understand the difference between having a body and having a problem. While I wasn’t watching porn as a teenager in the 1990s, I also was convinced I was a sex addict simply because I woke up aroused. That’s not having a problem. It’s called having a body.
As embodied humans, it’s totally healthy to become aroused on a regular basis. It’s not healthy, however, to go out in public and immediately start picturing every woman naked, or to follow CJ Mahaney’s advice of “simply looking at the sidewalk to make it through unscathed.” Learn the difference between a body and a problem.
Stop blaming women for your experience.
“The problem is that by ignoring her or refusing to look at her, you’re transferring your shame onto her,” Gregoire told the man who immediately pictures women naked.
If you’ve spent any time reading books by women such as Christa Brown’s Baptistland, Sarah Stankorb’s Disobedient Women, Shannon Harris’ The Woman They Wanted, Tia Levings’ A Well-Trained Wife, or Natalie Hoffman’s All the Scary Little Gods, one of the most common patterns you’ll recognize is evangelical men blaming women for their actions.
In CJ Mahaney’s mindset, “Each and every day on campus is a battle. … I’m thankful God has created me to be attracted to women. However, campus is a loaded minefield. There are girls everywhere. And it’s guaranteed that I will pass some attractive girls as I walk in-between classes.”
Heaven forbid.
“Women existing doesn’t mean they are minefields.”
Women existing doesn’t mean they are minefields. Your head games are not their identity. In an episode of the “Straight White American Jesus” podcast, sociologist Kelly Burke said these mind games about men being sex addicts and women being threats are what led to the 2021 Atlanta spa shootings, since the shooter specifically referenced this theology when explaining his motives.
Be present with women long enough to notice what you appreciate about them.
Rather than immediately picturing women naked or imagining them as bombs, maybe try being present with them as humans long enough to notice what it is you appreciate about them.
You may come to find out it’s their energy that attracts you, or perhaps it’s their humor, kindness, intelligence or a common interest or background. Maybe something about them feels familiar or puts you at ease. We are relational, embodied creatures. And much of what connects us happens below the surface of our awareness. So maybe try being present with that.
In such cases, you may have just met a new friend. Or perhaps you’ve had a really nice moment with another fellow human being as you move throughout your day who you’ll likely never see again. Isn’t that kind of cool?
As a side note, friends don’t tend to see one another and immediately picture the other person naked.
Educate yourself about marriage and sexuality in the Bible.
Much of the evangelical angst around sexuality comes from absolute certainties about the supposed crystal clarity of the Bible on marriage. But have you ever noticed how the Bible talks about marriage in terms of men “giving” or “taking” a woman? Or how adultery is defined as having sex with another man’s woman? Or how women who can’t prove their virginity are given the death penalty, while men who falsely accuse them are simply given fines payable to the woman’s father?
“The Bible isn’t quite as clear on these matters as your simple modern evangelical scripts are.”
The mental scrambling and internal reasoning you’re experiencing right now is proof the Bible isn’t quite as clear on these matters as your simple modern evangelical scripts are. The fact is the Bible was written in an ancient patriarchal culture that was shaped by ancient empire. And yet, while the Bible bears the marks of patriarchy, it also often subverts them.
As Jennifer Bird points out regarding Genesis 1:26-28 in her excellent book Marriage In the Bible: What Do the Texts Say?, “If male and female were created ‘simultaneously,’ so to speak, then any assertion of hierarchy between the sexes is purely coming out of a patriarchal worldview, not that of what God intended in creation.”
Redefine lust in terms of hierarchy and empire rather than basic desire.
Because the biblical authors were processing Israel’s story in relation to powerful empires, the basic wound of Scripture is the fear and experience of exile at the hand of empire. The life and teaching of Jesus subverted the ancient assumptions about power.
Jesus is depicted as a king of the people on the underside of the Roman Empire while being lifted up on a throne that was a cross. The Sermon on the Mount revealed the presence of God in and among those on the underside of power. And that’s the context in which Jesus spoke about lust.
“Evangelicals don’t know how to define lust in terms of its relationship to power dynamics.”
One of the most basic problems here is that evangelicals don’t know how to define lust in terms of its relationship to power dynamics. In the context of empire hierarchies, lust isn’t about being aroused or attracted to other people in relationships of mutual wholeness but is about placing yourself over them as their body’s emperor.
Lust as empire erases consent. It justifies seeing and taking. It’s about coveting someone as your property.
It’s totally natural to find women to be sexually attractive. But no man is any woman’s emperor, even if they’re married.
Admit how complementarian theology sets you up for the dynamics of lust.
The irony here is that complementarianism sets up the dynamics of empire that create the dynamics of lust. In complementarianism, men view themselves as positioned above women in relationships of authority and submission so men can pursue their dreams and calling with women being their helpers.
Notice the hierarchy. Those are dynamics of empire that foster men’s entitlement.
According to Perry, “Particularly when it comes to sexuality, complementarianism often shapes how conservative Protestants think about the natural tendencies of men and women. In their thinking, God designed men to be leaders and initiators. Women, by contrast, were designed to be helpers and responders.”
It is no wonder, then, that men are considered to be especially prone to lust and women considered to be relatively nonsexual, given how this theology defines male and female in terms of empire. If you want to experience more freedom, you’re going to have to deconstruct these scripts.
Masturbate without being compulsive or entitled.
This will likely be the most controversial point in this piece. Evangelicals are probably more likely to be OK with asking questions about their theology than they are to publicly affirm the reality of masturbation.
According to Perry, while evangelicals are opposed to pornography, they “hold a far more ambiguous relationship with masturbation.” It’s the elephant in the room, per se. The vast majority of them do it but want to pretend they don’t and definitely never want to talk about it.
Bird explains: “Many people of faith are deeply uncomfortable discussing the pleasure or physical release of sex. Because they have always thought of sex through the lens of having God involved in some way, it can feel dirty to even acknowledge such ‘secular’/physical side effects.”
“It’s possible to take care of your physical hunger without robbing the local Wendy’s.”
But despite evangelical discomfort, it’s important to separate experiencing physical pleasure from causing harm as two distinct activities. For example, it’s possible to take care of your physical hunger without robbing the local Wendy’s. It’s also possible to care for your sexual desire without being creepy or violent.
We all know how difficult it is to focus when you’re feeling hunger pangs. It also can be difficult to focus if you’re overly aroused for too long. There’s nothing dirty about that. It’s simply the reality of having a body. You shouldn’t have to wait a decade until you get married. And your wife shouldn’t feel the responsibility of dropping everything she’s doing to take care of it for you.
So if being in a state of arousal is making it very difficult for you to focus on what you need to do, the way of loving yourself and your neighbors may be to take a 15-minute break and handle your business. You can do that without being compulsive and messing up your life. And you can do it without being entitled and harming others.
Get professional help, if necessary.
Of course, there is such a thing as compulsive sexual behavior disorder. This isn’t someone who wakes up aroused and then gets aroused again at some point in the afternoon. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is “an intense focus on sexual fantasies, urges or behaviors that can’t be controlled. This causes distress and problems for your health, job, relationships or other parts of your life.” Additionally, it says, “When these sexual behaviors become a major, constant focus in your life, are difficult to control, cause problems in your life, or are harmful to you or others, that’s likely compulsive sexual behavior.”
Nobody is suggesting you put your career, finances or relationships in jeopardy. If you are, then you need to find a professional therapist to help you heal.
Much of the constant angst evangelical men feel about lust isn’t due to their bodies having a problem so much as it is due to the scripts they’re living by.
If you’re willing to deconstruct the theological assumptions that foster entitlement hierarchies, take responsibility for your own actions, and experience having a body in ways that foster wholeness rather than harm, then you’re probably going to be just fine.
You may even be able to go to a pool and experience the coolness of the water without having an existential crisis. Or perhaps you could attend a yoga class and practice mindfulness without fearing eternal conscious torment. You’ll probably discover women to be humans. And then rather than fearing and controlling them, you’ll be able to hang out and have fun.
Rick Pidcock is a 2004 graduate of Bob Jones University, with a bachelor of arts degree in Bible. He’s a freelance writer based in South Carolina and a former Clemons Fellow with BNG. He completed a master of arts degree in worship from Northern Seminary. He is a stay-at-home father of five children and produces music under the artist name Provoke Wonder. Follow his blog at www.rickpidcock.com.
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