The book is called The Myth of Good Christian Parenting, but its theologian-mom authors expose not one but a dozen myths promoted by a “biblical” parenting expert boom that has left some moms and dads feeling betrayed and some children being abused and feeling estranged from both family and faith.
Authors Marissa Franks Burt and Kelsey Kramer McGinnis studied more than 100 resources from self-proclaimed Christian parenting “experts.” Among some of the recurring myths sold to anxious Christians desiring to be good, godly parents:
- God provides a formula for “good Christian parenting.”
- Scripture doesn’t change, so God’s advice to parents doesn’t change.
- If you get it right, then there will be desired results.
- God requires us to inflict pain on those dear to us.
- The Bible requires parents to spank.
- Because parents tell themselves these spankings are loving, children will receive them as loving.
- Parents who love their children control them and can expect good Christian parenting will set children on a permanent, parent-approved course.
- Docile, obedient children are evidence of a firmly established authority structure in the home.
- Successful families all look the same.
The authors call these myths “prosperity gospel parenting promises” because they lead parents to believe if they “approach parenting the right way, God will bless their efforts and obedience with happy, healthy, godly children who will testify to both parental faithfulness and the Christian way of life.”
Their goal in writing is “to hold the teachers, pastors, writers, influencers and self-platformed Christian parenting ‘experts’ accountable for propagating some sweeping myths about parenthood (and, in some cases, about Christian faith itself).”
Their subtitle names the crime: How False Promises Betrayed a Generation of Evangelical Families.
Their chapters on theologies of sinful children and liturgies of punishment are disturbing. Parenting manuals that prescribe ritualized punishments designed to beat the sin out of little devils have left many victims in their wake, some of whom told their stories to the authors and filled out surveys about their experiences.
“Sin was a constant part of my reality,” said one.
“These teachings taught me that I was bad and that I was utterly disgusting to God unless I obeyed him,” said another.
A third: “The idea that I was consistently disappointing God … led to suicidal ideation, a severe eating disorder and the idea that any struggle was God’s favor being removed from my life, because I had screwed up again.”
There’s more to being biblical than spouting verses, say the authors: “Spiritual rhetoric veils the reality that resources can include many Bible verses and still be biblically and theologically impoverished.”
The most influential Christian parenting expert of the last half century was James Dobson, whose death in August at age 89 was commemorated by both laudatory obituaries and expressions of anger and regret from children raised under his authoritarian regime.
“Dobson raised the stakes of being an obedient Christian parent: Civilization would crumble if they didn’t course-correct.”
No matter the topic, Dobson insisted he was not offering his own opinions but sharing biblical truths that had guided the world from the time of Christ to the 1960s.
“Dobson presented himself as someone who could correctly interpret the Bible and the state of the world and in turn communicate God’s ideas about parenting and family life,” the authors write. “Dobson raised the stakes of being an obedient Christian parent: Civilization would crumble if they didn’t course-correct.”
Some of the kids raised in “Dobson households” grieve “the strained relationships they now have with their parents and the pain that comes alongside reexamining their childhood. They felt that love was conditional, earned by their obedience and good-naturedness.”
Marissa Franks Burt and Kelsey Kramer McGinnis
Some parents grieve, too, including one “who inflicted these punishments on my children… and although I have done over a decade of work in therapy and other healing practices, recalling those years still brings tears to my eyes.”
The Myth of Good Christian Parenting shows how for half a century a host of “experts” has taught Christian moms and dads to prioritize fear over love, authority over respect, obedience over child development and, in some cases, abuse over discipline.
And calling their advice “biblical” won’t conceal its roots in behaviorism, a secular approach to altering behavior by applying rewards and punishments, the authors say. “Popular Christian parenting teaching has enabled and exacerbated child abuse.”
The book concludes with suggestions for how Christians can change their thinking about raising children and a 12-point tool for evaluating parenting resources for their “depiction of children,” “depiction of the parent/child relationship,” author credentials, theology and more.
For its part, Focus on the Family has weighed in on the tragedy of adult children’s estrangement and declared itself innocent. Focus blamed “most” separations on the adult children’s “personal grievance, a political or theological difference of opinion, or unresolved bitterness,” saying, “It’s often due more to a misunderstanding than some malevolently motivated behavior.”
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