Last Christmas Eve, a new post appeared in one of my clergywomen groups on social media. It began, “How many pastors are sitting at their desks crying this morning? Just me?”
Spoiler alert: It wasn’t just her. The replies started rolling in immediately about how the stress of the season was bringing several woman-identifying pastors to the verge of tears, if not tipping all the way over into sobs. Some of the overwhelm was the sheer accumulation of tasks. Other frustrations were about people who had planned to help but no longer could or would assist. A few of the pastors had been sniped at by church members for various reasons.
The next day, in a separate social media group for clergywomen who are parents, a different pastor wrote, “Anyone else get an empty stocking? Just me?”
Laura Stephens-Reed
Again, the poster was not alone. Some of the respondents shared similar frustrations: The efforts they had gone to in shopping for spouses and/or children only to get a hastily bought present or nothing at all. Others gave the tips they’d learned to avoid this situation — including buying their own gifts — since they’d been there at one time too.
The similarity between these two requests for empathy was not lost on me. They highlighted how all pastors — and clergywomen in particular — are expected to work themselves down to the nub to create a meaningful Christmas experience for those who attend their churches. (Never mind that “meaningful” might have as many distinct looks as there are people in the pews.) Along those same lines, parents — and mothers in particular — are tasked with making Christmas be a magical experience at home. In both scenarios, women’s efforts can go minimally appreciated and their needs and wants can be overlooked entirely.
When those circumstances converge, as with clergywomen crying at their desks and those same women relating as moms a little too much to this Saturday Night Live sketch, the effects are deflating and isolating at best. At worst, these women question their calls to ministry and places in their own families.
Christmas stresses are a heightened example of what happens for women who are pastors — and particularly those who also are parents — all year long. There is the mental load of knowing and caring for all the details in the church and at home. When women have the capacity to address all the needs, everything seems normal and good. No one notices the smoothness. But when an item gets overlooked or there just isn’t enough time to deal with it, the complaints start piling up.
“Christmas stresses are a heightened example of what happens for women who are pastors.”
Women bring essential gifts as pastors and parents, including but not limited to noticing and tending to all kinds of spiritual, emotional, physical and mental concerns. Thanks be to God for this! This compassion and responsiveness cannot just be taken for granted, though, because we all have our limits around how much can flow forth from us without appreciation or reciprocation.
There are things we can do as parishioners and as family members anytime (not just close to Christmas) to help out clergywomen, both those who are parents and those who aren’t. Here are five ideas:
- For every quibble we privately hold with the pastor about how things are going, we can commit to naming a gratitude also. This helps us all have a more balanced perspective and gets us in the practice of noting what is going well.
- We can check in on our pastors. Many clergy are good at obscuring how stressed they are because they have been trained to be non-anxious presences. Just knowing that others consider ministers’ well-being important goes a really long way in their states of mind.
- We can ask how we can help — and mean it. We might end up having to make a specific offer or be persistent in naming our desire to contribute, but this generosity of spirit can both take something off a very full plate and let the pastor know they are not alone.
- We can let the pastor know they are seen. Mentioning something she’s done that we’ve appreciated via conversation, a note or a text can make all those efforts seem worthwhile to the hearer/recipient.
- We can give the pastor small, inexpensive happies, like leftover flowers placed in a vase from the church kitchen, a free pass to an event we think they’d enjoy, or a book we read and liked and want to pass along. This is another variation of helping someone feel seen and valued for something other than how they make our lives easier.
All these efforts strengthen the fabric of relationships, which is really the goal. How can we be builders of community, not just receivers of it? We’ll have longer-tenured, more energetic pastors to be in mutual ministry with us and stronger families who pass on values and practices that make the world a little better.
I hope next time I read a post about a clergywoman crying, it is because she is overcome by the love she is feeling from her congregation or her family.
Laura Stephens-Reed has been in ministry for 22 years, serving in a variety of roles and contexts. Her ministry now consists of coaching clergy and congregations through all kinds of transitions with faithfulness and curiosity. She is based in Northport, Ala., but works with pastors and churches all over North America and across 17 denominations. She writes weekly about ministry at Living Liminally.