Last month we talked about the dangers of short-term thinking and the advantages of staying focused on the long-term. When we have our goals firmly in mind, we are able to be strategic in our daily decisions. I would like to offer some examples of how strategy can improve our parenting.
Think about the behaviors that you encourage or discourage on a normal day. The average parent focuses more on transgressions and tends to overlook “being good.” There are certainly behaviors we want to see less of, but do we want our children to equate goodness with not doing bad things? The kinds of qualities most parents desire in their children—patience, cooperation, kindness, self-control—are things that have to be purposefully taught and encouraged. When siblings fight, survival mode tells us “Make them stop!” but long-term thinking says, “Help them find better ways to interact.” There is nothing wrong with putting a stop to fighting, but the broader lesson is a crucial one. We want our children to learn positive, effective ways to interact with other people. Telling them to stop fighting does not accomplish this goal.
When a child tries to get his or her way in negative ways (whining, badgering, or tantrum-throwing), survival mode demands that we achieve peace at all costs (threats, punishment, or just giving in). Long-term thinking calls for teaching more appropriate ways of pursuing goals. We don't want our children to become demanding (when the tantrums work), nor do we want them to avoid saying what they want (when requests result in punishment). What we want is for them to learn that some ways of asking don't work, and others do. Our goal is to replace tantrum-style demonstrations with manners and tact—that's what prepares them for adulthood.
When a teen doesn't keep his or her room tidy, short-term thinking often results in nagging, arguments, or power-struggles. Long-term thinking sees an opportunity to teach responsibility. In the adult world, no one reminds you to fulfill your duties, and not doing your job results in loss of income. In addition, things you don't take care of get lost or broken. So if a teen is irresponsible, an appropriate consequence is lost allowance or the confiscation of belongings that were not properly cared for. Even better, it can be done without any emotional interchanges—after all, this is just the way things work! Imagine being able to help your child learn responsibility, prepare him or her for the real world, and at the same time save all the energy you would ordinarily waste on the battle. It can be done, as long as we keep our mind on our long-term goals.
So give it a try—take a few moments out of your busy day and think about what kind of grown-up you want your child to be, and how you can help him/her get there. I think this is the truest form of “training them up in the way they should go.”