By Mary Kate Christian
There is one question that every seminarian, at one time or another, surely must wrestle with: “Do I want to hold a ministry position while I’m in school?”
To some it might sound like a silly question. After all, virtually everybody at seminary is following a call to ministry, but that does not mean necessarily that God calls us to ministry while we are in school. What happens when we are forced to answer this question firsthand?
Though God has a wonderful sense of humor at times, seminary is no laughing matter. It is not easy. Aside from the course work and demanding schedules, we wrestle with something greater — our faith. Since moving to Atlanta to attend seminary in August of 2010, I have been both winner and loser in this proverbial wrestling match.
I conquered the fear of a new (huge) city and new school by making my place in a community of love filled with friends. I made myself at home in a church family that welcomed me from the first Sunday that I visited.
But there were times I felt defeated. Last November, I received news that my parents would be getting a separation, possibly leading to divorce. In April, I underwent many scans, tests and rounds of blood work that failed to answer questions about thyroid issues. Most recently, I have felt the pressure of what it means to be a church minister.
After working in a church as the administrative assistant, I was offered a position as a minister. Like many churches today, this church was declining in membership and visitors, but this was the church I had loved since I first visited. I would do anything for these members that had welcomed me with loving arms.
My rose-colored glasses kept me optimistic. Unfortunately, the pressure I experienced became the catalyst for a doubt in my call, and I had to make a very tough decision. I began to wonder if being in seminary was really what God wanted me to do with my life.
After several tearful conversations with many respected mentors and friends, I realized my focus needed to be on my spiritual health, and I submitted my letter of resignation to the church council and congregation.
While admittedly still on the spiritual mend, I am now able to recognize God’s presence in my life and I can once again affirm the call God has placed on my life. But it has not been easy.
This past year has been tumultuous. Being in a position that causes you to question what you are doing with your life tempts you to pay attention to the doubt. I have learned, however, that this is OK.
It is OK to listen to the logic of the head while the heart says not to give up. It is OK to wonder why God has called you here, as long as you remember the conviction you felt the day your call became a reality.
I did not quit my job; I resigned from my job. No one is disappointed in me, no one has told me I let them down, and everyone has been supportive.
I have also learned that the most important thing in my life right now is me. Focusing on my spiritual and emotional wellbeing is not only important, it is necessary. My advice for anyone following in my footsteps is not to feel guilty. The call God has placed on your life is still present and vibrant regardless of your employment status.
Do not lose sight of the calling God has placed on your life. Wrestle with those demons, but be sure you are wrestling in the presence of the angels that have held you and the God that has called you. Thank those around you who offer support and love, especially during the tough times. And most importantly, focus on you.
In all of this, I have seen my friends become ministers. They have not necessarily been paid ministers in churches, but they have been my ministers. And by their faith and faithfulness to my call, I look forward to being able to minister again soon, within or without the church.