HOUSTON (ABP) — One in five Americans surfing the Internet is looking for romance, according to a recent poll — and online dating appeals even to young ministers, who due to their vocation must be wary about looking for love in the wrong places.
Rhonda Abbott Blevins
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"It's difficult to meet people who aren't off-limits," said Rhonda Abbott Blevins, former missions coordinator with the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship of Kentucky and now associate pastor of Tellico Village Community Church in Loudon, Tenn. Unlike other single adults, professional boundaries make it nearly impossible for a clergyperson to meet someone at church.
Blevins joined a growing number of singles turning to online dating services. At the time, she was a campus minister just out of seminary. While many of her students were around her age, she knew there were boundaries preventing her from viewing any of them as relationship potential.
Tracie Gray Jernigan, associate pastor of worship and the arts at Willow Meadows Baptist Church in Houston and graduate of Baylor University's George W. Truett Theological Seminary, had a similar experience. "It's hard to date a congregation member," she said. "I knew I needed to be fishing from a different pond."
Both Blevins and Jernigan signed up — and met their spouses — on eHarmony.
"I was anxious," Blevins admitted. "There is a little bit of a stigma."
Amy Grizzle, minister to adults at South Main Baptist Church, Houston, faced similar hesitations. She joined eHarmony to support a roommate who wanted to try the website but was embarrassed.
Amy Grizzle
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"To be honest, I felt like I had reached the pinnacle of loser-hood to have such a pathetic dating life that I would need to use online dating," Grizzle said. "I have never thought that about anyone else I heard using eHarmony and was excited my friend wanted to try it."
After several years of persistence, she met her fiancé, Sean. They plan to get married in April.
Blevins said she believes the stigma is fading as more adults are becoming familiar with online social networking. As more individuals connect with others in digital formats, online dating seems less strange.
Jernigan saw evidence of growing familiarity. A former minister at her church met his spouse through eHarmony, so the congregation was already comfortable with the concept of online dating. "They were very supportive," she said.
All three agreed that the initial questionnaire and "getting-to-know-you" features of eHarmony helped ease the process. Jernigan was looking for a better way to meet men with similar values. She felt the preliminary matching process put her "ahead of the game."
"I think I've seen a trend that once you find someone on eHarmony, things can move quickly," Grizzle said. "You've done a lot of the hard work of dating with all the profile and questions the site leads you through in the communication process. Other couples who meet in other ways have to spend a lot more time doing that with each other before you know things are right."
She and her fiancé talked about the possibility of marriage after dating for four months, although they waited a year and a half before getting engaged.
Blevins and her husband were married within six months of meeting.
That's not to say the process wasn't frustrating. "I want to be sure people know up front, it's not a quick-fix experience the commercials make it out to be," Grizzle said. "It took a lot of time and patience over a couple of years to sort through matches and go through the process until I met Sean. It was worth it."
Tracie Gray Jernigan, associate pastor of worship and the arts at Willow Meadows Baptist Church in Houston, recently married Nick Jernigan, a University of North Carolina grad.
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Jernigan struggled with her own impatience. She learned that signing up for an online dating site does not guarantee an instant perfect match.
Blevins tried eHarmony several times before meeting her husband. She tried the service again after moving from Athens, Ga., to Louisville, Ky. She made sure her profile listed her profession as clergy so that men who would have a problem with that would know up-front.
She added that when her husband, Terry, first saw her profile, he didn't think he'd want to date her, but thought she would make an interesting friend.
Charles Qualls, associate pastor of pastoral care at Second-Ponce de Leon Baptist Church in Atlanta and co-author of Marriage Ministry, a guide for ministers to use in premarital counseling and wedding ceremonies, urged caution with online dating sites. "By definition, when you fill out the registration, you are looking," he said. Qualls said he believes relationships happen best under more natural circumstances.
"When a person is looking, they are prone to overlooking," he said. Instead of making sure the person is fully compatible, they gloss over differences in values, hopes, dreams or professions.
Often people are driven by outside influences, such as the hopes of family members or friends, Qualls said. "You can make mistakes trying to answer those voices."
He emphasized that he is not against people meeting each other on the Internet. "I am all for deep, meaningful, committed relationships," he said. "I just think there are better ways."
That's not to say that Qualls believes all online relationships are doomed. He has seen several couples who met on Internet dating services who seem to have good, healthy relationships.
Grizzle emphasized that people need to be safe with Internet dating. Sean didn't know her last name, where she lived or the church she served "until I was sure he wasn't psycho," she said. But ultimately, the process was worthwhile.
"I am thankful for the tool of Internet dating," Blevins said. "It changed my life for the positive."
Jernigan agreed. "I am so grateful," she said. "eHarmony didn't bring us together; God brought us together through eHarmony. The site was just a vessel."
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Jennifer Harris is a freelance writer and student at Central Baptist Theological Seminary.
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