RALEIGH, N.C. (ABP) — In life, there's at least one guarantee: You'll lose someone you love.
Coping with the death of a relative or friend is tough no matter who you are. But for people in faith communities, a few challenges are unique. Some people question God, grow angry and lose their sense of spiritual connection, counselors say. Others may think they have to appear a rock at places like their house of worship, though pain overwhelms them.
The journey through grief, like the walk through faith, is different for each person. But experts say some lessons can help.
Scream, cry, moan, say nothing. But mourn without apology.
For Tony Cartledge, whose 7-year-old daughter Bethany was killed in 1994 by a drunken driver, the greatest ache was dealing with her absence.
“There was a room full of toys and teddy bears and no little girl in it,” said Cartledge, editor of the Biblical Recorder, news journal of North Carolina Baptists. Cartledge and his wife, Jan, wrote A Whole New World: Life After Bethany, published by Smyth & Helwys. “I realized she was gone and wasn't coming back. That was the hardest part,” said Cartledge, who was a pastor for more than two decades.
Jan, who is pastor of administration and leadership for HomeStar Fellowship in Raleigh, sank into depression. “On dark nights, I'd look at the moon and say, 'How in the world will we go on without Bethany?'” she said. “There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed. God was with me in the darkest times as well as in times when I could laugh.”
Jan, who has counseled many people through grief, said that the feeling a lot of people face is anger: “Anger at themselves for something they didn't do or say before the loved one died, anger at doctors, anger at God. They ask, 'Why did God allow this to happen or where was God?' God understands our questions.”
“Feel any way you want,” said Arlene Churn, “but don't get stuck.”
Churn, who is a life coach and grief counselor, said that many people get mired in one particular stage of denial, anger or regret. They shut down, stop being involved in church or with friends, forget to live.
“We get caught up in the drama of death,” said Churn, author of The End is Just the Beginning: Lessons in Grieving for African-Americans, published by Harlem Moon. “The person was too young to die, too good to die. There's no criteria for death other than living. As you live, you are going to die.”
Churn, who lives in Philadelphia, tells people that though death is inevitable, part of the loved one endures. “You can't talk to them or have dinner with them,” she said. “But what remains alive is the impact they've had on your life, the joy they've brought. This lives forever.”
Moving past the pain can take time. Jan Cartledge remembers wishing for bad things to happen to the drunken driver who killed her daughter. She fantasized about being alone with him and having a baseball bat. She realized her anger was changing her into someone she didn't like.
Three years after Bethany's death, the drunken driver wrote a letter to Tony and Jan expressing his remorse. Jan read it and tucked it away in a desk drawer.
A year later, she was studying a book with a women's church group and came across a chapter dealing with forgiveness. “It asked, 'Who is it in your life that you have to forgive? I knew I wasn't a happy person. I said God, 'You're asking me to do something very hard, something I thought was impossible. But as much as you've forgiven me, I need to forgive too.'”
Jan walked to the desk and reached inside the drawer.
“I wrote him back,” she said. “The moment I put my letter in the mailbox and walked back up the driveway, there was a peace I have never known and haven't felt since. I knew it was because I had let him go.”
Some days, it will be hard to cling to faith, say those who have known grief. Some days, it will be tough to love, Tony said. That's a natural part of the grieving process.
“The day will come when you will show that love again,” he said.
In the meantime, turn to hope to keep you going.
“I can't claim that I was one of these people who sat back and was totally untroubled,” said Tony. “There are times when it's hard to believe as you always have. But I had this hope that Bethany still lived in some way and that we would see her in another world, hope that God was still with us and would work through us.”
It helps to surround yourself with people who care, counselors say.
People mourn privately and in their own way, said Debbie Zoller, who is Jewish Family Services director for the Durham-Chapel Hill Jewish Federation. Sometimes it's difficult to ask for help. “It's a good thing to be able to share and to realize that you're not alone,” she said. “It's good to know that other people have survived it, even though it was difficult.”
Congregations can rally people around you. Zoller said after someone has died she often receives calls from people who are willing to contribute in any way they can. She helps those in mourning figure out what's best for them — connecting with a synagogue, having group or individual counseling, or just getting active. Judaism also has rituals that can help people deal with death and bring them comfort, she said.
Jan, a Baptist, said people who care can help by just being there. They can mow the grass, she said. Cook dinner. Go to the grocery store. Or just tell the mourning person they love them — and that's enough, she said.
“I think so often people say, 'Let me know if there's something I can do for you.' I never called,” Jan said. “People who meant the most to me were those who came by, talked if I wanted to talk, were quiet with me if I wanted to be quiet.”
She calls it the gift of presence.
Some people heal faster than others. Move through the grief at your own speed, the counselors advise. “It can feel like you will never get over it,” Churn said. “But you can get through it.”
Consider the cycle of life, she said. Honor your loved one through rejoicing in your memories, being thankful for their presence in your life, and moving on.
“Every life has meaning,” she said. “You remain here by the grace of God and for a purpose.”
Without your loved one, things aren't going to be the same, Churn said. But embrace the possibilities — and the blessing of life.
“We decided we wanted to do more than survive,” Tony said. “We wanted to thrive, be transformers, bring good out of the bad.”
Two years after losing Bethany, the Cartledges decided to have another child. Their son, Samuel, is now 8.
“We knew we weren't done being parents,” Jan said. “It was healing to know that we still have a lot of love left to give.”
Photo available from ABP.