STEVENSON, Ala. (ABP) — With joy in his voice, Derek Boyd talked about picking up his sons from school. It is one of the highlights of his day.
Full of thoughtful reflections and humorous anecdotes, his conversation naturally flowed back and forth between his two ministries — his children and his pastorate.
It was not so long ago, though, that tragedy invaded his life when his wife died. Nearly four years later, as a single, 37-year-old dad and pastor, he says he understands more than ever that “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
When he was called to be pastor of First Baptist Church, Stevenson, in March 2000, Boyd and his wife, Christina, were parents of a toddler, Bowen, and a baby, Jackson. A nurse practitioner, Christina — who was called Tina — was preparing for a time in the not-so-distant future when she could be a stay-at-home mom. She wanted three more children and to school them all at home.
But during her pregnancy with Jackson, she developed headaches that progressed into migraines. Her health continued to deteriorate and by Jackson's first birthday, Tina was debilitated, not even able to hold her children. Often during those days, her husband had to assume total care of her.
Just days before Thanksgiving 2000, she was admitted to a hospital in Tennessee, where she remained through Christmas and into early 2001. She was in a depressed state from the medication, headaches and dehydration, said Boyd. And she encountered one problem after another — one lung was punctured, the other collapsed. Tina was placed on a ventilator and eventually sepsis, or blood poisoning, set in.
“It was really tough,” Boyd recounted. “I called the family in three times” in preparation for her death. The third time, he said, he asked the Lord to let him know what would happen. Boyd said he heard God, as clear as a bell, say, “It will be all right.”
Then, hardly a month after turning 25, Tina died of adult respiratory distress syndrome, Boyd explained. One of the most difficult tasks, he said, was trying to tell Jackson and Bowen that their mother was gone.
A week after the funeral, Boyd was back to his pastoral duties, ministering to someone else who had suffered loss. This time, it was different, though. He said he understood with every fiber of his being what that loss felt like.
Boyd's parents, Ralph and Jo Boyd of Warner Robins, Ga., moved in with him, so he could continue his ministry, a ministry that grew busier and busier.
Though Boyd kept most of his feelings to himself by journaling, his church was a constant, gentle support for him. During the many weeks of Tina's hospitalization, the congregation “told me to take care of my wife, and the church would be here when we got back,” said Boyd.
Then, in the months after her death, when it became obvious that Boyd was working too much, some members of the church made it their job to see that he slowed down. Roy Perkins, chairman of the deacons, told Boyd to take time off each week. He even came by the church frequently to make sure that Boyd did.
Another deacon, Barry Smith, took Boyd golfing. Those outings were times when the two would not talk about church, but just get away. The church even gave Boyd a pair of golf shoes.
“I so needed that,” Boyd said of the tangible gift and the time. The way the congregation loved and ministered to him during that season, Boyd said, just emphasizes that the pastor is not the church.
Just as this personal tragedy had impacted his ministry, Boyd found that he experienced a shift in the thoughts and concerns about his children. His mind turned to things to which Tina had always attended — costumes and cupcakes and doctor's appointments and matching clothes and boo-boos. He came to understand even more that moms do things differently from dads.
“I've had to meet somewhere in the middle on that and get down on [the children's] level,” said Boyd. “I've tried to take into consideration, 'What would Tina do in this situation?'”
By 2002, Boyd once again was able to think long term. In 2003, his boys began to play T-ball. That was another turning point for Boyd. “We had the most fun we've ever had,” said Boyd.
It was through that activity that he came to realize just how busy he had become. It brought into focus that he needed to slow down and spend more time with his sons, especially because he is their only parent. He also saw that he needed time for himself in order to be a good parent and to be an effective minister in the community.
Now, nearly two years after that realization, Boyd says he is still trying to get off the “train” on which he put himself after his wife's death. It takes miles, he noted, to stop a steam engine that is going as fast as it can.
And when Boyd met Carla Bradford of Scottsboro, he again encountered sentiments with which he was unfamiliar. He had found an outlet for releasing and dealing with all the grief he had kept to himself.
“I've cried a lot with her and she's cried a lot with me,” said Boyd. He will begin a new chapter in his life journey when he marries Bradford Dec. 31.
Boyd looks back on the last four years and said the greatest lesson he has learned is that “I truly can trust God with anything.” There were times that, without God's help, the pain would have been too great to bear alone, said Boyd.
Though he still does not understand all the “whys” of what happened, Boyd continues to proclaim, “God is a good God. If I didn't believe that, I couldn't minister.”
— Leigh Pritchett is a correspondent for the Alabama Baptist.