Something your pastor or a church staff member has done has set you off. You can’t believe he or she had the audacity to do (or not do) or say (or not say) such a thing. Before shipping off a hot email or making an accusatory comment in person or taking to the telephone to hash it over with someone else, take a few minutes and consider these bits of counsel collected from the other side of the pew:
Ask yourself whether what you’re about to say reflects more on you than on your pastor. A chaplain friend taught me years ago this truth: “People just can’t help telling you their story.” Often, but not always, our criticisms of others expose our own biases and fears. Do you want to out yourself in this way?
Ask yourself what you’re really upset about. Often, the point at which criticism rolls off the tongue or gets typed into an email is merely the tipping point on a larger issue. Before you speak or write, take a moment to consider the full context of your concern and what actually has pushed your button. You might be surprised to realize that the matter you’re about to criticize is only the presenting problem in some other unresolved conflict. Find a way to address the bigger issue.
Realize that your pastor speaks and writes tens of thousands of words every year—all public. Short of a politician, journalist or teacher, few other professionals have this much exposure. Ask yourself if your criticism is about a single word or phrase or about a larger pattern or ideology. Again, address the larger issue.
Speak for yourself. Your argument will not be strengthened by inserting claims such as, “Many others share my concern,” unless you are willing to name names or give specific counts. What you have to say is more important than what you believe others have to say. If you truly believe it, own it as your idea.
Consider your timing. If you have a constructive criticism to offer, then offer it at a time and in a context that would allow it best to be received. Cornering a pastor immediately after Sunday morning worship or when the pastor is en route to teach a class or lead a committee meeting is not an ideal time. You wouldn’t want to be confronted in such a way.
Don’t use your smartphone to send a critical email. Pecking out a harsh critique that ends with the emblematic “Sent from my iPhone” indicates you have not given this missive enough thought. Unless it is a life-or-death matter, wait until you have time to thoughtfully compose an email.
Consider the cost. Even small criticisms, if offered in harsh ways, eat up energy both for you and for the person you are criticizing. Add up the time it will take to speak, respond, react and stew, and then ask if your concern is worth that much distraction. Some concerns merit the time it will take to engage, but others do not. And then there’s the cost in relationships that may result. Again, sometimes an issue merits risking relationships, but sometimes it doesn’t.
Consider that you may not have all the facts. Sometimes, things pastors say or do that generate criticism are done in light of realities that cannot be spoken aloud. Before offering your critique, ask: If the situation were clarified—if you knew more—might you agree with your pastor?
Consider the possibility that you might be wrong. Baptists affirm the priesthood of all believers. We all have the right to make up our own minds. But we can’t always all be correct at the same time. And nobody is correct all the time. So, there might be times when your pastor’s questionable view or action just might turn out to be correct and your view might prove to be misguided. At least consider the possibility.
Step back and consider how others perceive you. How frequently are you lobbing criticisms at others? Some folks turn out to become serial curmudgeons, and in time their voices are lost because of the frequency with which they offer strong opinions. The average pastor does not hear occasional criticisms from a large number of people but instead hears frequent criticisms from a small number of people. Are you one of those?