Research and painful experience consistently demonstrate domestic violence is as prevalent in churchgoing families as it is in the general population, author and domestic abuse survivor Geneece Goertzen said.
“I want pastors to acknowledge and admit this is an issue in their congregations, and that the church is not better than people outside the church when it comes to domestic violence,” said Goertzen, author of the new book Taking It Seriously: A Faith Leader’s Guide to Domestic Violence.
Acknowledging the presence of battered members is crucial to their survival and well-being and to ending church complicity in ongoing and future cases of abuse, Goertzen said in an interview.
Geneece Goertzen
“It breaks my heart to listen to stories of women who have been subjected to all forms of domestic violence, and when they go to their churches their pastors dismiss what they say, blame them for their abuse and often tell them to return to harmful marriages rather than say, ‘You are safe. Can I help you?’”
Goertzen is a Ph.D. student in the Garland school of Social Work at Baylor University where she also earned master’s degrees in social work and divinity. A research fellow with the Center for Church and Community Impact, she is a survivor of more than two decades of domestic violence who advocates for fellow victims of abuse. She also hosts a podcast focused on domestic violence recovery.
The U.S. numbers on domestic violence are distressing, Goertzen explained in reference to statistics compiled by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Those data show an average of 24 people every 60 seconds are victims of physical violence, rape or stalking by an intimate partner, while 35.6% of women and 28.5% of men have experienced physical violence, rape or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetimes.
“From 1994 to 2010, approximately four in five victims of intimate partner violence were female. Most female victims of intimate partner violence were previously victimized by the same offender at rates of 77% for women ages 18 to 24, 76% for ages 25 to 34, and 81% for ages 35 to 49.”
Being a member of a church does not exempt a woman of faith from abuse or provide her with a refuge from violence when it occurs.
Tragically, being a member of a church does not exempt a woman of faith from abuse or provide her with a refuge from violence when it occurs, Goertzen said.
Pastors and congregations typically fail to recognize the signs of domestic violence, discourage victims from coming forward and, depending on the theology of a church, consider the abuse a moral failure on the victim’s part.
Abuse is commonly dismissed as a private family matter or seen as an accusation against the church itself, she said. “We are asking people to maybe admit their complicity when we engage in domestic violence conversations, especially when they think faith should make us better or a step above and beyond.”
When they do come forward, domestic violence victims often are confronted with all manner of bad and potentially fatal advice from pastors and church counselors. Chief among them is being warned against divorcing their abusers, Goertzen explained. “Many churches do not allow divorce except in cases of adultery, not abuse.”
Couples counseling is recommended by pastors who do not grasp the chronic nature of domestic violence and the fact the abuse always worsens over time. When victims seek divorce to escape the abuse, they are told that submitting to their husbands is honored by God.
Anyone in need of help should call the Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE or text START to 88788.
Many victims are told to go back home and forgive their abusive partners because wives have a duty to remain with and obey the authority of their husbands, she explained. “You can see in situations like this that the perpetrator and the church can use spiritual abuse against you. We hear this so much from other survivors.”
But forgiveness never should be pushed on the victims of domestic violence, she added. “It always needs to be on the victim’s timeline, and it must be remembered God is not forcing us to forgive and reconcile with someone who continues to sin against us. We are not talking about someone who is genuinely repentant in these cases.”
Churches that want to minister to domestic violence victims could start by educating themselves about the signs of abuse, she advised. Look for evidence of physical and emotional isolation in people “who used to be outgoing or bubbly but then get married and seem very withdrawn and no longer enjoy activities.”
A wife or husband’s inability or unwillingness to make plans or financial decisions is another clue, as is extreme jealousy or threatening behavior on the part of their spouse, Goertzen said. “The signs of abuse are not just physical, but also emotional, psychological and spiritual.”
But education and looking for red flags should be followed up with a willingness to act on behalf of domestic violence victims by connecting with shelters, undergoing domestic violence training and learning about other community resources available to provide tangible assistance.
Congregations can offer studies, invite expert speakers and host workshops during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which is October, all designed to learn how to help — and not hurt — the victims of domestic violence, she said. “We must avoid the use of blaming language — ‘What did you do to cause this?’ — instead of holding the perpetrator accountable.”
She added that her new book is designed as a workbook to help pastors and churches properly respond to the issue of domestic violence.
Having a female on staff is another way of ministering to domestic violence victims. Seeing an ordained or lay woman in some kind of official role lets victims know it is safe to come forward about their abuse, she said.
But don’t be surprised if some survivors end up leaving the church, Goertzen added. “I’m a survivor of more than two decades of domestic violence. The kids and I escaped, and I believe God delivered us a decade ago. But some people have to step away from organized religion because of the way they were treated by their churches.”