Keep those questions coming, Bizarro parents. Our topic for today is, “How can I set up my children to fail?”
Every parent in Bizarro world dreams of watching their children crash and burn repeatedly, but we can’t just sit back and hope that failure finds them. We have to set them up so that they don’t get a fair chance to succeed.
One great approach is to steadfastly refuse to give your children accurate feedback. Whatever they do, no matter how poor, thoughtless, sloppy, or half-hearted it is, act like they have just produced a masterpiece. Tell them everything they do is great. In fact, praise them even if they are disobedient or outright refuse to perform tasks. Act like it is their right to do so, and assure them that whatever they do is just fine.
I realize that this sounds suspiciously like being an encouraging, kind parent, but that is part of the genius of this technique. You see, your children will believe that they can do no wrong, and assume that everyone should treat them with the same deference that you do. It may be hard work to be so nice to them while they are growing up, but that will make their failure all the more spectacular when they find out that the real world has standards for performance and demands accountability. Some kids are smart enough to adapt, but if you do your job well your children will alienate every friend, frustrate every teacher and infuriate every boss they ever have.
A more direct approach involves making them feel like a failure. This technique requires less encouragement and is preferred by most Bizarro parents. Just make sure that nothing they do is ever good enough. You want them to be completely sure that no matter how hard they try, they will not receive any praise or encouragement from you. You want to criticize everything, no matter how small, so that your child firmly believes that success if impossible. Then, push them to succeed while continuing to be disappointed with every effort. Undermining self-confidence is great, but it works best in conjunction with high anxiety. Demand performance, and make sure they know that how you feel about them is on the line. Conditional love mixed with conditions that can’t be met is a recipe for destroying a child. In any situation, they will doubt themselves so much that they will rarely try to accomplish anything, and the high anxiety will prevent success when they do try. This ensures ongoing failure, which reinforces the poor self-esteem and fear of failure.
I selected these two tips out of many because they are comprehensive. Your children will not only fail in relationships, work and personal growth, but also spiritually. Children who think they can do no wrong are hardly interested in sin or a God who offers to save them, and children who believe they are never good enough are rarely able to accept God’s grace. In Bizarro world, that is a win-win situation.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected]. Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board’s emerging leaders team.