Our question of the day: “How can I make sure my children don’t make good behavior a habit?”
I am so glad you brought this up. So often, parents get excited about good choices and good behavior and make such a big deal about it that kids start thinking it’s the right thing to do. Avoid this at all costs. We have to take advantage of the fact that behaviors are strengthened or weakened based on the consequences that follow. We can’t help it that good work at school yields good grades, but while they are at home, we can make sure that good behaviors are not encouraged.
The best way to stamp out good behaviors is to ignore them. Sure, you could actually punish your children for doing good things, but that would be a waste of your energy. When they speak respectfully, do their household tasks without reminders, complete homework without help, get along with siblings, share, show kindness, whatever, all you have to do is ignore it. Maybe you could say something like, “That’s what you should do, don’t expect anything for it!” Then it sounds like you’re teaching values, but you’re actually teaching them that goodness isn’t worth the effort. I know, it’s a beautiful system, tested carefully by generations of parents. When done well, this technique leaves children completely unsure what “good” is and they end up feeling very inadequate. If you really want to go all out, be careful to undermine every compliment or encouragement that slips out.
We are all human and make mistakes, so I know even the most dedicated parents will occasionally say something encouraging to their kids. Just remember that even the nicest compliment can be negated if delivered correctly. If you are looking at a report card and catch yourself saying, “Wow, look at these grades!” then you must quickly find something to criticize. Even if there is one lower grade, focus on that. If they have all A’s then ask (in a disappointed tone) if these A’s were 100s or something lower. If you slip up and say “Hey, that was great!” all you have to do is tack on something like, “Why can’t you do that all the time?” or the tried and true, “But not as good as your sister.”
Finally, only pay attention to your children when they mess up! The brilliance of this approach is that children crave our attention, and so we can simultaneously stamp out good and even neutral behavior, and get them focused on the poor choices, mistakes, and disobedience that we want to see. Many teachers employ this method, and pretty soon the “good” kids notice how much attention the misbehaving kids get. They won’t even care if you punish them, because the attention is so powerful. It is hard and takes great discipline, but if you want to stamp out those good behaviors, undermine self-esteem, and create a life-long inferiority complex, it’s the only way to go.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected] . Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board’s emerging leaders team.