I had some idealistic younger days when I would argue that no child should be punished, but the days didn't last long. Even before I learned the hard way from my own children, I saw time after time the devastating effects of parenting that did not establish clear and consistent boundaries for behavior. You have probably met some people, children or adults, who honestly believe that they can do what they want and not suffer the consequences. As difficult as they are to deal with, it is not entirely their fault—someone failed to teach them how the world really works.
Bruce Powers
The truth is, punishment is a necessary aspect of discipline. However, in order to do our best as parents, we must avoid misusing or relying too heavily on punishment. Because punishment is aversive and uncomfortable, it carries some undesirable side effects. First of all, we cannot forget the emotional reaction pain causes. When used too much or improperly, punishment can lead to aggressive behavior and other emotional acting out. In a sense, the punishment may reduce one behavior but replace it with something worse.
Another possible pitfall is that people or situations can become associated with the punishment. Just as Pavlov's dogs salivated when they knew the food was coming, some children may develop a fear response to a person or place that was present when punishment was experienced. This can easily cause school or church to be a place children wish to avoid rather than an exciting destination. Also, don't forget that children mimic what their parents do. As a young boy, I would get in trouble and promptly pass the punishments on to my dog. That may have been cute, but I got in a lot of trouble the time I spanked another kid at daycare. Just as children often repeat what we say, they also repeat what we do. We certainly don't want our kids thinking that they should physically punish others who don't do what they want them to do.
Finally, never forget that punishment does not establish behaviors. If you are trying to build positive behaviors in a child, punishment won't work. It only suppresses behaviors. Notice I didn't say it puts a stop to them or eliminates them. If the punished behavior is somehow satisfying to the child, then the punishment simply encourages the child not to do the behavior when punishment seems likely. For this reason, punishment must be used in conjunction with reinforcement that encourages other behaviors.
Punishment is a bit seductive because it gets quick results and requires little planning. However, we cannot neglect the positive side of things. Don't forget how frustrating it is to be punished without knowing how to avoid the punishment. If you punish a behavior, then always make sure you tell your child how to act in order to avoid the punishment and also achieve more satisfying outcomes. In the long run, using positive techniques to build positive behaviors is always more powerful than using punishment to suppress negative behaviors.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected] . Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board's emerging leaders team.