They are held to a different standard. The family of a pastor is under the watchful eye of a congregation from the time they enter the doors of the church. Pastor, you can’t tell if someone is peeping through the blinds in the church office but assume that they are. So, pull it together, give the children “the eye,” say a quick prayer and smile before pulling into the parking lot. You need to look like you just came down from heaven and have a certified message from God. It’s game time!
As the assumed model family, the pastor’s family is rated on appearance, behavior, personal relationship choices, report cards, salvation and sports performance. There are scorecards in every pew. So look alive, family!
If the children do not perform well, then your work performance is judged. Not only must the sermon be good, but also your family has to be better. The spouse becomes the model for the gender. Since churches disproportionately call more men than women as pastors, his wife becomes the definition of beauty, femininity and, in some cases, modesty. I don’t know what is expected of men whose wives are pastors, but I’m sure that he is not expected to be easy on the eyes. The children are expected to be cherubs, floating through the halls. And we just can’t get enough of those coordinated family photos with matching outfits.
In some ways considered a personal reference on the pastor’s résumé, the interview with the search committee and the family’s public image must match. In some churches, spouses are even included in the interview process. To be fair, it is a modern interpretation of one of the qualifications given to Timothy by the Apostle Paul concerning bishops, which is used to choose pastors today. “He must manage his own household well, keeping his children submissive and respectful in every way — for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how can he take care of God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3.4-5, NRSV).
And Paul is right — but not about who manages the household. Wives, we know the truth, so consider yourselves well-qualified for the pastoral role or even the bishopric. Wait, we’re Baptists. Never mind.
But don’t hold it against Paul, who was living single. His only experience was to do everything himself so maybe he thought it was the norm. Still, the home is a great testing and proving ground. Truly, I consider our son my spiritual director.
It has been said, “A family that prays together, stays together.” But can we give the pastor’s family some wiggle room here? More often than not, they are at the church more days of the week than all of the members and they live with the pastor. After the sermon, they ride home with the messenger. Talk about member follow-up.
As the parent of a preschooler, it is hard to get out of the house on Sunday morning without food stains on my clothing or torn stockings. On Saturday night, my house remains an obstacle course, booby-trapped with Avengers dolls, Ninja Turtles and Lego blocks. The living room is literally a war zone and I must fight to clean it up — literally. My son believes that it is time to wrestle right up to bedtime. It is a testament of faith that I have not broken any bones or that he has not broken any furniture.
And you want me to bring him to church? The pews are thought to be a version of our living room couch. He feels that he should climb over them or stand up and jump on them. Hand to forehead: “Please, Lord. Not today.”
Having a family and a congregation and being expected to manage both to spiritual perfection is an impossible task. Children are not the only ones who prove difficult at times. Members behave badly in the pews, too.
But so often, children get the worst of it as pastors attempt to appease members, publicly scolding their children to satisfy the expectations of those they serve. We don’t need another reality show to tell us that these PKs, or preacher’s kids, don’t take too kindly to being held to this standard and often rebel. They were not called to serve a local congregation and yet they are included in the priesthood right from the start.
Only at a church is it expected that you bring your family to work consistently and if you don’t, then you are not a good pastor. In most other professions, it is not even a consideration. While persons may ask how your family is doing, no one is going to ask where your family is if you work at a bank, a grocery store or a school. They just don’t come with the job. It’s not that kind of packaged deal.
Still, I have read my share of job announcements that specifically asked for a married person. Single people don’t even have a chance. Sorry, Paul.
Yes, it is a calling but for the IRS, retirement and personnel committee purposes, the church is also the pastor’s place of employment. It is our way of life but it is also the way we make a living. The environment is charged enough with the need to lead souls to Jesus without the equal expectation that our families have perfect attendance.
They may not expect them in deacons meetings or to serve at weddings, but members do look around to see if they are attending the services from week to week. In some strange way, their presence implies that the pastor is fully there. But every Sunday can’t be “Bring Your Family to Work Day.” No one wants to feel as if they are part of some traveling show (well, some do) and pastors should be given space to do their sacred work without having to keep an eye on the front pew.