A 2022 Barna study found 65% of Protestant pastors in the United States feel lonely at least sometimes, with 18% experiencing isolation frequently. These numbers are up significantly from Barna’s 2015 research. In addition, a 2020 survey revealed that 20% of Protestant pastors cannot name anyone beyond their churches or families who knows them well.
There are many reasons for this loneliness.
Laura Stephens-Reed
Pastors are taught to be somewhat guarded around parishioners for ethical reasons: clergy are generally seen as having spiritual authority, and pastors should not utilize that authority to get their own needs met. Some ministers don’t feel like they can bring their whole selves to church anyway when there are bullies or heightened political or theological tensions.
There are high expectations of pastors, coming both from ministers themselves and from their congregations. When there are substantial pressures to be available constantly, to bring in new members and to fill in leadership gaps due to shrinking membership, it is difficult to find time or energy to find or maintain social outlets. (All of this is even more the case now as ministers lead the post-pandemic church.)
People beyond the church often make assumptions about pastors, such as what they are interested in and what they can and can’t do. This makes dating and friendship-forming a real uphill climb.
The above is true of most ministers. There are additional causes of loneliness, though, that are unique to women in ministry.
“There are additional causes of loneliness, though, that are unique to women in ministry.”
There is a lot of baggage ascribed to ministry pioneers, the people who are “firsts” in their roles and contexts as many clergywomen are. Because they are novelties, female pastors are likely to experience objectification, in which church members have trouble seeing past ministers’ femaleness as signaled by clothing, jewelry and hairstyle choices. They also endure microaggressions in which well-intended church members make statements or ask questions they never would direct to a male pastor. These interactions are isolating to female ministers.
At the same time, clergywomen might not have many or any peers who can relate to these struggles. They might be the only woman around the ministerial association table, especially if they end up in the smaller, more rural settings that many male pastors turn down. In these circumstances clergywomen can feel utterly alone.
Female pastors want to fulfill their vocations faithfully, but they are much more likely than male pastors to be called into a glass cliff situation in which a church sees bringing in a clergywoman as a last-ditch effort to avoid closing. These are high-demand (everything needs to be fixed now), low-support (few congregational resources and minimal judicatory investment) scenarios in which any minister would be set up to fail. These circumstances leave little daylight for the minister’s life beyond church.
Even if a church is not perched on a glass cliff, every “first” in a role feels the weight of representing everyone like her. Clergywomen understand that if they are a first in their congregation, the church is holding its collective breath as it waits to see if she can “hack it.” If there’s the assessment that she cannot, it will be a long time before that church calls another woman, if ever. As a result, female pastors dare not show any weakness, which is to say their ability to connect with others in sacred vulnerability is extremely limited.
Being a minister mom can further lead to loneliness, as many congregations are concerned about female clergy being too much mom and not enough pastor. (Minister dads don’t usually field these same worries.) These women feel like they cannot ask for what they need, such as evenings free for fear of job performance judgment, and as a result they can spend less time with their families than they would like.
Just like everyone else, pastors of all genders need connection. There are physical health reasons for this. One health insurance company found that people who feel lonely are at a 26% greater risk of premature death, a threat as great as if we smoked 15 cigarettes a day.
“They are much more likely than male pastors to be called into a glass cliff situation in which a church sees bringing in a clergywoman as a last-ditch effort to avoid closing.”
There are mental health implications. Those who are lonely are vulnerable to stress and depression, sometimes to the extent they consider or carry out self-harm. There is a spiritual importance to knowing and being known as well, because the Bible shows us time and again that humankind was designed for relationship and interdependence.
What can we do, then, to combat this epidemic of loneliness in pastors and female ministers in particular?
Laypeople, I encourage you to examine your assumptions and expectations of your pastor. Have you bought into the idea of minister as flawless and ever-available to you? If so, how might you dial back your hopes? Are you waiting on your pastor to misstep? If so, how might you notice the good and the new in a minister who stretches your imagination? Additionally, show support and appreciation for your pastor, run comments to your pastor through a filter first (would I say this to a clergyman?), advocate for their time away (which allows them to connect with loved ones and make new connections), welcome opportunities to serve the church as you have bandwidth and normalize child care for all church functions. (This last part is for the benefit of everyone with young children, not just the pastor.)
Pastors, it is absolutely essential to build your team. That includes professional careers like doctors, therapists, coaches and spiritual directors, but it also encompasses clergy colleagues (there are lots of clergy groups online if you’re in a geographic area with few peers) and a pastoral relations team in your church whose purpose is to support you, dream with you, help you grow and advocate for you. And look beyond the congregation for friends. Introduce yourself to other regulars at the places you haunt. Take a class. Join an organization. All these are ways to meet non-church people.
Judicatory leaders, please take seriously the task of preparing congregations (and not just the tiny, rural or dying ones) to call pastors who might look and operate differently than the stereotype. Publicly celebrate clergywomen and pastor moms. You are in the best position to teach churches, build up ministers and intervene in unhealthy dynamics. We need your leadership.
Nobody wants to be lonely, not even the pastor. Let’s join together in an effort to make sure everyone feels seen and valued, has someone to celebrate and commiserate with and simply has companions for the journey.
Laura Stephens-Reed has been in ministry 20 years, serving in a variety of roles and contexts. Her ministry now consists of coaching clergy and congregations through all kinds of transitions with faithfulness and curiosity. She is based in Northport, Ala., but she works with pastors and churches all over North America and across 17 denominations.