I'm worried about my elderly mother driving a car, but I hate to take away her independence by taking away her keys. The Bible says to honor your father and mother, and I don't want her to think I've lost respect for her. What should I do?
By Stacy Conner, pastor
First Baptist Church, Muleshoe, Texas
Your question touches on several significant issues. Just as we are sensitive to our own aging processes, we also are sensitive to the aging of our parents. Our hearts go out to our parents as we recognize they are not capable of doing many of the tasks they enjoyed in the past. It hurts our parents, and it hurts us.
One of those difficult decisions of aging is knowing when it is time to hang up the car keys and let someone else do the driving. The nature of your question leads me to make an assumption that you currently are making a number of decisions for and with your mother. You probably are involved in her medical care, her finances, her property, her legal issues and many other issues. Your involvement is slowly whittling away at her independence, which makes this decision to drive even more challenging. But among all of these issues, your mother's safety and the safety of others is among your concerns.
Many tools can help in gauging your mother's driving ability. One is found in Aging Parents and Elder Care (www.aging-parents-and-elder-care. com). Here is a small sample of their tools for evaluation. Does she: “Drive at inappropriate speeds, either too fast or too slow?” “Fail to judge distances between cars correctly?” “Ask passengers to help check if it is clear to pass or turn?”
I believe the intent of your question is, “Am I dishonoring my mother when I take away her driving privileges?” In my opinion, you are not disrespecting or dishonoring your mother by monitoring and perhaps ultimately removing her privilege to drive. In this decision, you are expressing love for your mother and possibly your neighbor. You also are being a responsible member of our society in helping to create a safer environment. Honoring our parents is more than just doing what we are told by our parents.
As I have listened to church members grapple with this issue over the years, I have heard a variety of approaches. One gentleman who promised not to drive pleaded, “Please let me keep my keys in my pocket.” That arrangement has worked very well. I have seen the other extreme, where the car had to be removed because spare keys were stashed away.
Parents may grieve in losing the ability to drive, but they generally understand when the time has come. For many, driving in traffic has become unnerving.
Knowing that someone else will be running the errands might be a relief. Sometimes the companionship when getting out is actually welcome. Responsibly monitoring the safety of your mother is a valuable part of honoring her.