We are so easily offended. Let’s say you are scrolling across social media and you see a post where someone shares a meme you do not agree with. What happens inside you?
Is your first thought, “Well that person is expressing themselves and has their own personal autonomy to share what they think” or do you find yourself internalizing what they posted and concluding how inappropriate it is for someone to express such nonsense? If you are like me, you are easily offended by what others share on social media.
Patrick Wilson
Just about anything right now is viewed as offensive to some people. Some Christians were quick to smear the Olympics in Paris for the content of the opening ceremonies before really seeking to understand the intentions of the performance. Others are quickly offended by the recurring rants of political candidates running for office, who say demeaning things about their counterparts.
If all of this is not enough, we tend to get offended when someone who is offended speaks out about what offended them, and round after round we go.
The word ‘offend’
Before going any further, it is important to clarify a couple things. First, my goal is not to minimize what offends you. Second, I do believe there are some things that are offensive. Yet, I invite you to consider the effects of being often and deeply offended.
The word “offend” dates back to a Latin and French etymology. In its earliest forms, it meant “to strike a blow, hit, attack or injure someone or something.” This later evolved from a description of a physical assault to emotionally wounding another person.
Now, when we are offended, we typically refer to being hurt, displeased, angered or even livid at someone for what they said or did, oftentimes drawing a direct line from their actions to the impact on us.
As religious people, we might justify our offense against others as a “righteous anger.” We tend to believe we are right, moral and God-fearing people, so we conclude it is our Christian duty to correct what is obviously ungodly in the world. We tell ourselves Christians need to stand up for Christ and defend the truth. We proclaim ourselves as the moral police of society, so when we see something in the world that we deem “sinful,” we must call it out.
Yet, if we look at those in the biblical text who regularly expressed how offended they were, we might be surprised. Just a few examples from the Gospels will suffice: Judas was offended by the wasting of expensive perfume poured on Jesus; Peter was offended when Jesus suggested he would deny knowing him; the Pharisees were offended time and again when Jesus performed miracles and prioritized the wellness of others over keeping the Sabbath.
Granted, there are times throughout Scripture where prophetic figures confronted immorality in the palace or the temple, but this was typically through the culturally accepted procedures of the time (such as Nathan confronting David).
Some suggestions
So, what should we do when something or someone offends us? Here are a few suggestions I am trying to live out (albeit imperfectly) in my own life:
Acknowledge our feelings. We might be tempted to totally discard our feelings or suppress them. Many of us were raised to only showcase the good stuff, but we do not always exhibit love, joy and kindness. So it is important when we feel afraid, angry or lonely to be honest and call it out from within.
“When we name it, we can start working on it.”
Evaluate what is going on inside of us. When we name it, we can start working on it. Often this is challenging and deeply introspective work that necessitates a professional therapist to help us uncover what is really going on mentally and emotionally inside us. Learning skills to unpack what surfaces is imperative for lasting growth and wellness.
Recognize there is more than one way to look at the complexity of the topic. This is so critical. Instead of responding to someone immediately with your point of view as a corrective, consider responding with a question like this: “Thanks for sharing with me your thoughts on this matter. I’m curious. Do you think there is more than one way a sincere, God-honoring person might view this topic?”
Extend grace. If the other person can only see one side of an issue and is unwilling to acknowledge there is any validity in other perspectives, one of the most gracious things you can do is avoid engagement with them (at least on that subject). No one is going to change their opinions, and everyone will be wounded by further escalation. Conversely, if the other person is willing to concur that there are multiple ways for honorable people to view a situation, then you may choose to discuss it further to the degree that respectful communication continues.
Let go of the desire or need to fix another person or society as a whole. So much of our exchange with others is built on the subconscious principle that we want to avoid being hurt, especially by those we care about. However, this comes out in the most obscure ways. Sometimes we seek to correct people out of concern for their wayward actions or beliefs that might harm them, but most of the time it is because we believe we are right and they are wrong and we do not want to accept the discomfort that comes with them being in our lives with a different perspective. Our responsibility is not to fix others but to continue to work on ourselves.
Set personal boundaries on what we let into our lives. It is easy for us to be fixated on our following — how many amens were said during our sermon, how many likes we got on a post, or how many friends we have at our birthday party. In reality, our lives might be richer with fewer “friends” on Facebook and maybe even a few less invitations to our personal celebrations. Boundaries are not indications of who you will be friendly with but rather who you will trust with the deepest parts of yourself. You are worth having people who are responsible to care for you, so identify who those people are (and who they are not) and adjust who you share access to your most authentic self.
Consider what we need to do to prioritize treating people right over being right. We tend to lose sight of this important principle when we are offended. Jesus emphasized that we are to treat people with rightness as an expression of our devotion to God. There are lots of things about God, faith, the Bible, the world and life I do not fully grasp. These are the things we oftentimes disagree about. However, what seems abundantly clear to me about Jesus is this: Treat other people (friend or foe) with kindness, compassion and mercy. Until I master that aspiration, I have plenty to work on.
“Should anything offend us? Yes, but it has nothing to do with topics or controversial issues.”
Ask who is really harmed by what is said or done. So, should anything offend us? Yes, but it has nothing to do with topics or controversial issues. We should take offense when someone is attacking others, especially marginalized communities. This offensiveness is exasperated when it comes from within the community of people who claim to follow Jesus. When the actions of a person or group demeans, threatens or harms others, we need to defend those being disrespected. We are wise to avoid seeking retribution or lowering ourselves to the aggressive tactics of the perpetrators, but we can stand in the way of continued harm. If you demonstrate solidarity with and for those who are attacked, you will likely be wounded but will also gain the respect and find empathy for those assaulted.
Check on those who have been directly harmed. When in the midst of offensive behavior, oftentimes our time, effort and energy is best spent providing care for those who are directly attacked instead of engaging with the assailant. Call, text, message or go visit those who have been slandered or violated. In a society where depression, loneliness and suicide are at exponential levels, we must do a better job of caring for one another by using our words and deeds to lift up rather than tear down.
Move on. Letting go of what offends us is the only way to find lasting healing. Spewing hatred at others is never fighting the good fight. The world sees people who regularly attend church slandering, mocking and even demonizing each other and those they claim to try to reach with the “good news” of God’s love. This is counterproductive.
Products of our experiences
We can debate topics without stooping to name-calling and browbeating others. We can have civil conversations about issues and best practices to meet the needs around us without undermining and assaulting the character of others. We can, and we must do better.
There is a section in William Paul Young’s powerful book (and the movie enactment), The Shack, where the main character, Mack, is invited to sit on the judgment seat. The more he considers judging others, the more he begins to realize how all of us are products of our own experiences. While this does not excuse the harm we do, it brings us to a deeper awareness of how alike we all are. We have all caused pain, and we are all in need of grace.
On one occasion when the disciples were offended by something Jesus said, he turned to them and challenged them to remember: “The Spirit gives life.” Like the disciples, we need to remember that the Spirit of our Savior is our life force. Jesus gave his life as a gracious expression of love. As his followers, we should be life-giving even when offended by laying down the sword of retribution and seeking to be peacemakers.
Patrick Wilson has served as a pastor 25 years in Dallas and Austin, Texas, and most recently in in Rolla, Mo., where he now leads a community of faith, CrossRoads. He is a graduate of Baylor University, earned two master’s degrees at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and a Doctor of Ministry degree from Logsdon Seminary.