Many years ago, I was having a conversation with a woman with whom I had gone to high school. She was a successful attorney, living in Pennsylvania, and had a good life — except for her long-term boyfriend. He was physically and emotionally abusive and had been for years. But in this phone call, I could hear something different in her voice.
She had had enough.
She said she finally had gotten him to understand they could not be a couple anymore. She asked him to leave her house, where he had been living with her for some time, and as he left, giving her the keys, he said: “You can’t get rid of me that easily. If I can’t have you, nobody can.”
Susan Smith
When she shared that with me, I shivered. That is one of the most dangerous things a partner can say to someone he or she supposedly loves. It is a death threat. My friend understood that but said she wasn’t worried; he “wasn’t a bad person.”
Not long after, I got another call, from one of her friends. This ex-boyfriend, a fireman, had gone to her house, broken in, beaten her unconscious, then set her house on fire. Her body, charred beyond recognition, was found in the rubble. He had made sure his declaration held. If he couldn’t have her, nobody else would, either.
His life also was ruined; he was convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison, but he didn’t care, or at least did not appear to at the time. He had allowed his resentment of her leaving him to run and ruin his life.
The behavior of white nationalists feels like the country is going through domestic abuse, with a group of people resentful that many non-whites, non-males, non-Protestants and non-heterosexuals have gotten too much in this political system called democracy. Their resentment is as toxic as it has ever been, and it is leading them to adopt, approve of and support candidates and policies that ostensibly will hurt those whom they resent, but will ultimately result in their suffering as well.
Their resentment is causing them to champion and to participate in political domestic abuse.
What causes resentment? What caused the resentment of my friend’s boyfriend? There isn’t just one cause, but therapists say that most cases involve an underlying sense of having been mistreated or wronged by someone else. Resentment shows up as anger, an inability to stop thinking about a situation that has caused an individual’s pain, feelings of regret, fear of conflict, and tense relationships. Resentment also shows up or is manifested by a sense of bitterness of having been wronged by someone in whom you put your trust and love.
“What was the ultimate wrong that made their resentment so toxic that they would rather see America go down in flames than for all people in this country to be treated with dignity and respect.”
If that is the case, why are the privileged resentful? By whom do they think they’ve been wronged? And what was the ultimate wrong that made their resentment so toxic that they would rather see America go down in flames than for all people in this country to be treated with dignity and respect, and be able to enjoy the rights the Constitution guarantees all Americans?
It’s a complex question and can’t be fully answered in this short meditation, but the bottom line is that their resentment comes from their understanding of who and what America is.
In spite of the most beautiful and powerful rhetoric exclaiming the value of all people, many white Americans feel like the country lost its way and in the process has abandoned its first love: white people. This country, they believe, was made by white people and for white people. From as early as the 19th century, the white people in power have resented people — white or non-white — who have come to this country looking for a new and better life or who were brought to this country against their will in order to build this country.
And so they are intent on stopping what they feel is and has been a violation of “the American way.”
“Resentment blinds people; it results in them making rash, harmful and deadly decisions.”
Resentment blinds people; it results in them making rash, harmful and deadly decisions. It makes them hurt the people they love as well as the people they profess to hate. And it always results in something or someone dying.
The grudge-holding people in power, desperate to hold onto that power and their privilege, will do anything to maintain their position. It is up to us to see what is going on and understand it so that we can navigate through it. But this might also be a time for us to take stock of the things about which we are personally resentful. Even as we push through the toxic curtain of political resentment, we may very well have to simultaneously identify and work on getting rid of our own personal resentment.
Whether personal or political, resentment is a deadly emotion. We cannot allow it to fester inside us, even as we work to dig up the resentment that is killing America.
Susan K. Smith is an ordained minister, activist and author. A graduate of Yale Divinity School, she is the director of clergy resource development for the Samuel DeWitt Proctor Conference. Her latest book is With Liberty and Justice for Some: The Bible, the Constitution, and Racism in America.
Related articles:
PRRI’s Structural Racism Index attempts to quantify racist beliefs
America is addicted to white supremacy | Opinion by Susan K. Smith
White supremacy permeates U.S. life, scholar says
Nice white women participate in white supremacy too | Opinion by Laura Ellis