Many years ago, two deacons from a church I served as pastor asked if they could take me to lunch. Was this an act of kindness? An act of thanks for my hard work?
There’s always a reason for lunch. There’s the eating part — we all have to eat — and then there’s the talking part. That’s what I was curious about. Why would two deacons ask me out to eat? Neither was in deacon leadership positions that I recall. I do recall how important the meal seemed to be to them and how important they wanted me to feel.
John Michael Helms
This day was not a day for McDonald’s, a step up to Cracker Barrel, or one more step up to Longhorn. No, these men took me to a fancy winery in the heart of North Georgia. Wow! I guess they were trying to impress me.
They arranged for a private room for us to eat. “Why not eat in the dining room?” I wondered. By then, I was not looking forward to the meal because whatever was on the agenda, I did not think they were bringing me to an expensive place to tell me they were recommending a nice raise the following year.
The server came, and I could order whatever I desired. How kind! Eventually, the small talk ceased, the men’s kindness shifted, and they shared their “concerns” for the church. What was on the “table” was the size of the church staff.
“We have too many staff members, and you need to fire someone,” was the direct line of the conversation, an action the church did not give me the power to do.
By “someone,” they had a specific staff member in mind, one of our female staff members, whom we had moved into a new position as we attempted to grow our church and reach new families.
The number of staff members was a stretch for our church’s size, but the extra position was a part of our vision. If reaching young families was important, her position was, too. But rehashing old church squabbles about staff size and pastoral leadership isn’t the purpose of this column.
I thought about this luncheon recently when I read an article on kindness by Steven Stosny. He wrote in Psychology Today: “We like to influence people, especially in close relationships. The desire to influence others positively is easily confused with manipulating for a desired response. If you think you’re behaving kindly but get a negative reaction, you may be using kind behavior to manipulate a certain response.”
“Nothing about their attempt to influence me felt kind.”
Perhaps those deacons thought their intentions were good, even kind. But nothing about their attempt to influence me felt kind. It all felt like an attempt to manipulate me into making a decision that would have prematurely ended the tenure of a staff member with little thought and care for her and her family. Where would the kindness have been in my leadership as a pastor and friend to this staff member had I caved to their wishes? There were better ways to lead, and I knew it.
Not too long ago, I blew out a tire on my truck. My wife was away, taking care of her mother in Alabama, and for a couple of days, I had to rely on friends for transportation. Having to ask for a ride to work and home was challenging and humbling. My friends were glad to help. I appreciated their kindness, and within a couple of days, I had new tires and I was driving myself again.
After all this was over, my colleague phoned me and thanked me for attending his surprise birthday party and making remarks about our friendship. But he also scolded me for not calling on him for help when I needed transportation.
He said: “My brother, let me tell you a story. When I arrived in the United States from Tanzania, many people came to me and said, ‘Call me if you need anything, and I will help you.’ Then, there came a time when I became destitute, and I desperately needed help. I called five people who said if I ever needed help, they would be there for me. All five said, ‘I am sorry, I cannot help you.’ I know what it feels like to be in need. So, when I say to you, ‘If you ever need me, call on me,’ I am saying it sincerely. I am unlike those who say it but don’t mean it.”
I felt deep kindness in his words.
We all need kindness. From time to time, we all need help. Most of us know the difference between kindness and manipulation, between a free meal from the heart and one with strings attached, between a true friend and one who wants to buy favor, between someone who appreciates you for who you are and not for what they can get from you.
We can find true friends inside and outside the church. It’s also true there are those inside and outside the church who will try to take advantage of your relationship with them and use you to accomplish their agenda, which can be selfish and unkind.
“Too often we in the church think our way is always righteous.”
Of course, it shouldn’t be that way, especially in the church. The church should be different. But too often we in the church think our way is always righteous. Like the Pharisees of Jesus’ day, we can be blind to how our actions harm others. We might even quote Scripture to back up our agenda.
In the church, people often believe God is on their side when they find the power to push their political agendas through. If they wound others in the process, it’s the price those people pay for being on the wrong side of God’s will. In thinking this way, Christians do not hold themselves accountable for any unkind actions. When the church strikes a covenant with political agendas, too often a manipulating, self-serving blindness runs amok.
Two thousand years ago, righteous men in Jerusalem sought Jesus’ approval to stone a woman caught in adultery. They had rocks in their hands and were well-versed in the law that gave them authority to do so. But what would Jesus say?
Fortunately for the woman, the kindness of a man from Nazareth won the day. Jesus said the one without sin could cast the first stone at the woman. That let the air out of their sails. One by one, her accusers left.
It takes courage to be kind to people others want to harm. It takes kindness to stand with those whom others single out because their skin color is different, because they come from a different culture, they speak a different language or because their religion differs from our own. However, if we don’t stand with them, the world’s anger and resentment will consume them.
What’s sad is that a lot of that resentment and anger are being birthed and fanned into flame within the church in the name of goodness. When people believe they are justified in not showing kindness and in acting unkindly to others, our society fractures.
Jesus calls each of us to stand with the vulnerable, the outcasts, the weak, the needy, the troubled, the sick and the despised of the world. When we cease to feel compassion and be compassionate, we lose something of what it means to be disciples of Jesus, or the human beings that make a significant difference in the lives of others, regardless of who they are.
John Michael Helms serves as a chaplain at Piedmont Athens Regional Hospital in Athens, Ga. He does pastoral counseling and is a life coach.