Who in your church do you wish would leave? Yes, I know, that is not a Christ-like attitude. But it is true. Everyone has someone they wish would leave. The church would be a better church without them.
There is probably a rule 57 or so about this by Jethro Gibbs from the television program NCIS. “The people you wish would leave are not leaving. They stay for unhealthy negative reasons.”
This article is a follow-up to the overview article entitled Why people are NOT leaving your church and a second article entitled Top 10 healthy, positive reasons people are NOT leaving your church.
The typical congregation would love to light a spiritual fire underneath some of the dead wood in the church. But these people who stay have certain characteristics. What are these? I am not absolutely sure, but here in priority order are ten my network of ministry colleagues gave thumbs up.
The top negative, unhealthy reason is comfort. This was significantly higher than any other answer. When people have been in a church most or all of their lives, they are afraid to leave this comfort zone. It is not that they do not want to go anywhere else. They are afraid to leave where they are comfortable. It is a scary church world out there.
Second, is that people have a role in controlling your church. A lot of things in their life are beyond their control, but at church they can control things. They may even be seen as a matriarch or patriarch within the church. They cannot be sure they could control their next church. Controllability is a criterion for what church they attend.
Personal complacency is a key reason some people do not leave. Beyond being comfortable, they have no motivation to go anywhere else. They can passively participate in the church, hide in the fellowship, and feel they fit. Church is a fourth or lower place for them. It is below their third place — Starbucks.
Fourth, are low expectations from their church. It is easy to be a member of their church. The church itself is complacent and does not put many expectations on them. Why leave? Their church never confronts people individually with the need to grow spiritually. They can easily remain unchallenged and casual Christians.
Family heritage, which was also a healthy, positive reason for not leaving, can go to an extreme and become unhealthy and negative. The strength of family heritage and family pressures keep them in church. They are caught. Their family might take them out of the will if they leave this church. Otherwise they have little motivation to attend.
Sixth, is the desire to benefit from the spiritual rites of passage in the church. They want the church to marry, bury, plus bless, dedicate, or baptize their children and grandchildren. It is not that they want the spiritual benefits of these rites of passage; they want the appearance of socially acceptable church participation.
Some people feel like they have ownership of their church. They have preferred stock. They are on the board of directors. They believe this is their church. God is a secondary owner. They are staying. God needs to understand they have certain standards God’s people must meet or they must leave. Not the owners. They stay.
Eight, some people are stuck. They want to leave, but there is no better place to go. They do want a certain kind of church. A few still want a church of their denomination. They look around and every church around them has problems, or a bad pastor. They chose the devil they know rather than the devil they don’t know.
All some people want is a chaplain anyway. They want someone to take care of them in sickness and death. They want a reassurance that God knows their name. They are the people in the church who want perpetual care. They are the ninth reason people do not leave for unhealthy negative reasons. They make bedside confessions of sin.
Tenth, is defiance. Some people refuse to leave. They claim no one can run them off. They can outlast the current pastor or staff person. They can make life miserable for others. They are stubborn. They, like many of the people represented in the other nine reasons, aren’t interested in spiritual formation and missional engagement.
Next: Should you care if the unhealthy negative people leave your church?