A good friend recently shared an analogy with me that made a deep impression. When he was about 10 years of age, his Sunday school teacher told his class of boys: “You can drive a nail into a 2-by-4 and then pull the nail out of the board. The nail will be gone but the hole will always be there.”
That image illustrates the way our words, spoken inaccurately or unthinkingly, can puncture the feelings and harm the reputation of those about whom we carelessly speak. The thing we have said may be retracted. Perhaps it is accompanied by an apology or an acknowledgment that what was said or repeated was wrong, inappropriate or unkind. Nonetheless, the hole in relationships, the scar caused by the careless remark, is lasting.
Robert Sellers
“Forgive and forget” is an ideal almost impossible for us humans to achieve. God can forget our failures, according to the prophet Jeremiah, who conveyed the divine’s goodness when he said: “I’ll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I’ll forget they ever sinned.” But we are not God.
So it is extremely rare for mere mortals to forget an offense — whether fact or fiction — once it has been aired. Even a truth, if spoken out of place or time and without discretion, can become a nail driven into the plank upon which someone’s life and character are built.
I know this consequence is real, for as a public figure — even to an admittedly very limited degree as a university professor, liberation theologian, social justice ethicist and interfaith advocate — I have suffered unjustified criticism and egregious misunderstanding because of words about me cavalierly spoken. Perhaps many, or even all, of us have suffered similar slights.
Sticks and stones
When as a young boy my feelings had been wounded by a playmate’s unkind words, my mother would sometimes say, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The statement, or some sentiment very similar, had been used by parents to calm their crying youngsters since the middle of the 19th century when the saying first became popular. Her assurance was momentarily soothing, yet I knew my feelings were hurt by what had been said about me.
“’Words will never hurt me’ is a traditional belief that is fanciful and false.”
Of course, even though the homespun message was well-intended, the familiar adage was not really true. Words can and do cut, particularly those of us who are especially vulnerable. For this reason, “Words will never hurt me” is a traditional belief that is fanciful and false.
Proverbs
A proverb, by definition, is “a short pithy saying in general use, stating a general truth or piece of advice.”
Collections of proverbs, such as those found in the writings of Charles Dickens, Herman Melville, George Bernard Shaw and J.R.R. Tolkien, are important in the English-speaking literary world. The sayings of Confucius, beloved across Asia, have a real following also in the West. People who travel internationally have encountered favorite proverbs from many countries. Yet perhaps no source of acknowledged wisdom is better known than those found in the Old Testament book of Proverbs, attributed in the text itself to “Solomon, son of David, king of Israel.”
Professor Joseph Scrivner explains: “Knowing and practicing such truths constitutes wisdom — the ability to navigate human relationships and realities. A literary collection of proverbs is thus intended to communicate wisdom.”
Here are some selected biblical proverbs that express wise counsel pertaining to the careless use of words and the damage unguarded speech can cause.
- Proverbs 12:18: “Rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
- Proverbs 15:28: “The mind of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil.”
- Proverbs 17:9: “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
- Proverbs 17:27: “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.”
- Proverbs 21:23: “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”
The practical wisdom of these proverbs is self-evident and confirmed by our own experiences. Human communication, both verbal and non-verbal, is a powerful force. When used properly, it can build up, encourage, affirm, instruct, guide, comfort and bless. But when used unwisely, it can tear down, discourage, reject, confuse, mislead, trouble and curse. These five statements from the book of Proverbs, as Scrivner suggests, can help us to “navigate human relationships and realities.”
According to King Solomon, wise people will ponder the best way to speak, use words with restraint, guard their tongues, shun gossip and realize the pain careless speech can cause.
Wronging others
In this age of anonymous Facebook comments, political opponent trolling, hyper-sensitivity, too-quick litigation, alternative facts, name-calling and public shaming, we need to be very careful, as people of faith and moral judgment, to use our words wisely. If we fail to do this, as Scripture attests, painful and even evil wounds may result, friendships may be damaged and public calamity may befall both the one spoken about and the one speaking.
“We need to be very careful, as people of faith and moral judgment, to use our words wisely.”
Matthew 18 is a chapter of assorted teachings by Jesus. One very helpful instruction explains how Jesus’ followers should respond when they have been offended by another person. Author Ben Witherington comments on verse 15: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” He writes: “As the phrase ‘between you and him alone’ makes clear, this should be a private matter and encounter.” If the offending person listens and repents, then “you have gained your brother. … Here is the tangible and practical description of what the parable about the lost sheep suggests. Notice that this procedure is primarily for the benefit of the one who has sinned, though it is also meant to ease the pain of the offended party.”
Regrettably, however, those of us who are offended by what someone says about us rarely follow this biblical injunction, for it is difficult to do. Forgetting is almost impossible, but forgiving is challenging also.
Lies travel fast
“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes,” wrote the Irish satirist Jonathan Swift. A contemporary critic comments: “Gossip is all fun and games until it has real world ramifications. It’s one thing to speculate about, say, spotting Prince Harry looking for a bargain in Walmart, but it’s quite another to spread falsehoods about public figures. Accordingly, hearsay can have a devastating impact on a celeb’s career, as people take tattle for truth.”
Celebrities and entertainers are often the target of lies and slander.
Elton John’s career was almost ruined in the 1980s when a British tabloid, The Sun, published a story claiming the singer used a service that supplied young male sex workers, plying them with cocaine to make them compliant. The entirely fabricated account was provided by a man who was paid $4,000 for the scoop, about which The Sun’s editor-in-chief admitted he had not ever checked the claims’ veracity. The Sun was subsequently ordered by a court to pay the singer 1 million pounds for libel.
Politicians and elected leaders are familiar with fallacious schemes to ruin their careers by smearing their character.
In 2009, Cass R. Sunstein published On Rumors: How Falsehoods Spread, Why We Believe them, What Can Be Done. A Washington Post article discussed the book which recounts a well-known effort to discredit one candidate with untruths:
In the 2008 election, many Americans believed that Barack Obama was a Muslim, that he was not born in the United States, and that he “pals around with terrorists.” Rumors (like these) are pervasive about the allegedly terrible acts, beliefs, and motivations of public officials and about (their) allegedly scandalous private lives.
Jesus himself was a victim of false rumors and lies, spread by those who were jealous of his influence and popularity. The Message version of Mark 14:55-59 recounts:
The high priests conspiring with the Jewish Council looked high and low for evidence against Jesus by which they could sentence him to death. They found nothing. Plenty of people were willing to bring in false charges, but nothing added up, and they ended up canceling each other out. Then a few of them stood up and lied: “We heard him say, ‘I am going to tear down this Temple, built by hard labor, and in three days build another without lifting a hand.’” But even they couldn’t agree exactly.
Luke 23:1-2 adds: “Then they all took Jesus to Pilate and began to bring up charges against him. They said, ‘We found this man undermining our law and order, forbidding taxes to be paid to Caesar, setting himself up as Messiah-King.’”
Words, then, either intentionally or carelessly repeated, can stain the reputation of individuals, destroy their careers and even threaten their lives.
Other forms of harm
Furthermore, much hurt shamefully can be caused by “concerned” Christians who announce the problems of others under the guise of “sharing prayer concerns.” For example, “We need to pray for John and Jane Doe, because their marriage is in real trouble.” Or, “Joe Blow has lost another job and, frankly, his drinking problem has caught up with him. Let’s remember to pray that God will touch his life and comfort his sweet family.” These kinds of saccharine-sounding and often super-pious appeals appear to be kind and thoughtful but are sometimes directed by mistaken motives and accomplish little more than spreading hurtful gossip.
Sadly, however, it is not only when we unwisely speak that harm can be done. The “sword thrust” also can be accomplished by our silent assent to what someone else has wrongly or imprudently shared. When we are with friends or acquaintances and someone begins to say damaging things about a person not present, if we remain quiet because we don’t want to embarrass the speaker — or we fear being perceived judgmental — then we are equally guilty with the one repeating rumors, innuendos or denigrations. Ours is the sin of omission while the speaker’s failure is one of commission.
While wood putty and sandpaper may cover the nail hole in a 2-by-4, it is never easy to plug the scar in our emotional frame when we have been maligned. Having the “skin of a rhinoceros” certainly helps, but putting on a brave face and pretending not to care what others say might only mask fragile feelings and self-doubt others cannot see.
Given the harmful nature of careless or manipulative words, therefore, the best course of action is to follow the proverbial wisdom of Solomon and guard our speech. After all, no one wants to witness our driving that “nail” into someone’s “board” with our tongues.
Rob Sellers is professor of theology and missions emeritus at Hardin-Simmons University’s Logsdon Seminary in Abilene, Texas. He is a past chair of the board of the Parliament of the World’s Religions in Chicago. He and his wife, Janie, served a quarter century as missionary teachers in Indonesia. They have two children and five grandchildren.