Etiquette for whites visiting a Black space for the first time

With Black History Month upon us, some white folks will be moving across typical racial dividing lines and entering into what’s known as Black Space, which I define as a place where Black people are in charge and make up most of those present. Black Space includes, but by no means is limited to, Black churches and HBCUs.

Based on my experience as a white guy teaching eight years now at an HBCU, I offer my white friends the following suggestions for a first visit to any Black space. I’m in my late 50s, and so some of what I say might be specific to my generation, but here’s what I suggest when showing up as a newcomer:

1. Listen and learn. There is a time and place for whites to share our opinions among Blacks. Your first appearance is rarely that time, unless, of course, there is a group discussion where opinions are asked for.
2. Always remember you are a guest. You are not in a space designed for you, and your job is to figure out how this space works and how you can fit in.
3. Show respect by addressing people as they introduce themselves to you, or as they are presented to you. If someone says, “This is Ms. Johnson, and Mary and I have been friends a long time.” Do not say, “Hi, Mary!” Say, “I’m so glad to meet you, Ms. Johnson.” Forms of address are important in Black Space due to the disrespect so often shown to Blacks in other spaces.
4. Do not try to do a Black handshake unless both of these are true: (a) You know how to; (b) Someone is coming toward you with their right hand extended out to their side rather than forward, with an open palm facing you and a thumb up.
5. Even if people at your church call each other “brother” and “sister,” and even if you are “brother” or “sister” to some other Black people, you’re brand new here, and I do not recommend using these terms as a newcomer. Even as a regular in Black Space, I rarely use “sister” or “brother,” because I too often see them used in a presumptuous way by other whites.
6. Be prepared to be hugged, but do not initiate hugs on your own.

Here are a few suggestions specific to being in a Black worship service:

1. Eat before you arrive, because you could be there for quite some time. As a friend once said to me, “Chris, you people always leave worship at noon, and sometimes the Holy Spirit doesn’t even enter the room until 11:45.”
2. If everybody in worship is standing in response to something said in a sermon or in response to a piece of music, stand up. If, however, only some are standing, it’s fine to stand or to sit.
3. Unless you are a friend of the pastor, do not call them by their first name. “Pastor Last-Name” is normally a safe way to go.
4. If you yourself are a pastor, and identify yourself as such when you arrive, be advised that in some small churches they might recognize you publicly and ask you to “Come bring a word,” meaning to come to the pulpit and offer a few devotional thoughts.
5. Bring cash to put in the offering plate when it’s passed, or to put in the offering plate or offering bag if people go forward to present their offering. The amount is not important, but participating is.

Finally, here are a few suggestions if you engage in conversation during your first visit:

1. Point out something specific to affirm. “I just love Black Churches!” ain’t a great thing to say. But everyone appreciates a specific compliment, such as, “I have been so warmly welcomed today,” or, “I love the flowers in the entry.”
2. To borrow from Covey’s Seven Habits, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” You’ll make a positive impact more by listening carefully than by speaking eloquently. “Please say more about that” is a great phrase to employ.
3. Do not say, “Why do Black people…?” This may be intended as a question, but it can easily come across as a criticism. Also, beware of questions about how things are done that begin with, “Why don’t?” or “Why doesn’t?” These often wrongly imply there is a normative (white) way of doing things that has been departed from.
4. Do not mention, “My Black friend.” This is the worst calling card ever in Black Space. That said, if you are friends with someone in the church, it’s fine to inquire as to whether they are present so you can speak to them.
5. If something is said from the pulpit that offends you, keep it to yourself and process it after you leave. Consider yourself fortunate to have heard an unvarnished opinion stated, even if you don’t agree with it or do not yet understand it. As you process the statement, ask yourself what sort of life condition or experience could have prompted such a statement.

Final thought: Enjoy the experience! You will be in a warm, welcoming, supportive place. People will be glad you are there and eager to help you feel at home.

 

Chris Caldwell is a member of the faculty and administration at Simmons College of Kentucky, a historic Black college founded in 1879. He also is a member of the BNG board.