Dear parent,
I’m writing today with a tough ask.
I’m asking you not only to give a loving reception if your child “comes out” as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer. I’m asking you to imagine that day even if it never comes.
We know those hostile to the LGBTQ community often soften their views when their own children come out. That’s the power of love.
But what if love could be preemptive and proactive?
Must you wait for your own child to come out for you to think deeply about this?
Time and again, we hear testimonies of LGBTQ children who could not love themselves because their parents could not love them fully. You hold tremendous power of influence well before you may be put to the test.
What if you could love your child before you know who they will become?
“You hold tremendous power of influence well before you may be put to the test.”
This shouldn’t be so hard because most parents love their children before they know their gifts, talents, vocations, height or much of anything else. They love their children because they are their children, made in the image of God.
Yet the church has set sexuality in a separate category that cannot be broached. This is what we mean when we talk about “heteronormativity.” When heterosexuality is the only “normal” way to be, homosexuality becomes “abnormal.” And any kid knows to be abnormal is to risk not being loved.
Mark Wingfield
Right about now, some of you are saying, “But the Bible says … !”
To which my answer is, “Are you sure about that? Have you researched and read carefully for yourself?”
There is tremendously more scholarship on the biblical texts and affirming theology today than there was even 10 years ago. If you’re not up to speed on that, grab any of the books listed at the end of this article and start reading. Or access the resources offered by groups like The Reformation Project, CenterPeace, or Embracing the Journey.
In my years as a pastor, I encountered so many terrified parents. Parents who would move heaven and earth to be sure their kid got the same advantages — or more — as any other kid. Parents who fought for their kid to make the team, to get in the special class, to get every recognition possible.
“What children of all ages need is the certain knowledge that their parents will love them for who they are, not for who the parent wants them to be.”
And I encountered parents who lived in fear of their kid “being turned gay” by a variety of influences. With almost 100% accuracy, I can assure you those very kids were not in danger of “becoming gay.”
No child or teenager gets “turned gay,” but many children and teenagers are taught unrealistic expectations through purity culture that leads to all manner of dysfunction and require years of therapy to unpack.
I’m reminded of the father of a 16-year-old boy who got his 16-year-old girlfriend pregnant. The father had the audacity to call and complain to me about the possibility of gay kids infiltrating the youth group and being a “bad influence on the youth of the church.”
What children of all ages need is the certain knowledge that their parents will love them for who they are, not for who the parent wants them to be. This is the single greatest test of parenting.
I know so many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender adults who — even if their parents eventually came around to accept them — are weighed down by the jokes they heard, the expectations they were given, the unspoken norms they knew they had to follow. You may not be able to see this as a parent, but your child sees it and hears it and remembers it. They know what will make them abnormal to you and your friends and their extended family.
What if you could bypass that potential pain by determining right now that you’re going to love your child whether they turn out to be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or transgender? What if you did your homework now rather than later? Imagine the joy you will spread and the emotionally well-balanced child you will raise.
Maybe today is the day.
Mark Wingfield serves as executive director and publisher of Baptist News Global. He is the author of Honestly: Telling the Truth About the Bible and Ourselves and Why Churches Need to Talk About Sexuality. His brand-new book is Troubling the Truth and Other Tales from the News.
Here are a few resources to get you started thinking:
Books
God and the Christian, Matthew Vines
Embracing the Journey, Greg and Lynn McDonald
Changing Our Mind, David Gushee
Affirming: A Memoir of Faith, Sexuality and Staying in the Church, Sally Gary
Unclobber, Colby Martin
Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships, Karen Keen
The Widening of God’s Mercy: Sexuality Within the Biblical Story, Christopher Hays and Richard B. Hays
My Guncle and Me, Jonathan Merritt
Why Churches Need to Talk About Sexuality, Mark Wingfield
Websites/organizations
Making Things Right, Brian Nietzel