In my years of serving as a pastor to students and their families, I’ve heard the following question phrased in a few different ways: Should I force my child to go to church if they don’t want to?
In the ways I’ve heard this expressed, some situations have involved a child who is not connected or having trouble making friends in children’s or youth ministry or through church life. Other situations might express a dissonance in religious, social or ethical beliefs between a church and the child. Other situations are even more nuanced, with children or students expressing a preference in styles of worship, wanting to be at a different church ministry with other friends or simply wanting to prioritize their time differently than church ministry activities and worship attendance.
What’s a parent to do?
Benjamin Brown
Many parents who are active in churches have deep roots in a particular faith community and for them, this is the place that held them together during a rocky season of life or this is the place where their friends and community are based. For their teenager, the feelings may not be the same, or they’ve not arrived at such foundational experiences just yet.
Many parents have unspoken expectations for their children to receive and carry a legacy of faith throughout their lives. Perhaps most interestingly, some parents were forced by their parents to come to church (and still attend), and they don’t want to force the same pressure of potential resentment on their kids.
Within Baptist identity, followers of Christ are to be invitational but not coercive. Walter Shurden’s The Baptist Identity states, “Christ’s church is built upon the foundation of individual souls freely responding to the incarnate Son of the Living God.”
Legitimate belief cannot be coerced or forced. In this way, if a young person does not want to attend church, a ministry program or a worship service, what right do we have to infringe on their soul freedom?
Yet, how can a child or student begin to have a foundational encounter of faith without encouragement to attend and motivation to participate?
“Legitimate belief cannot be coerced or forced.”
Parents do well to listen and encourage dialogue with their children regarding matters of faith, spirituality and church life.
There also may be legitimate reasons a child does not want to attend worship, a ministry event or a church gathering. Perhaps they feel unsafe. Maybe they feel lonely or isolated at church, and maybe more parental involvement, such as volunteering, could be the antidote. Maybe the themes and topics discussed in Sunday school or in worship are not appropriate for a child or a teenager. An exercise for parents might be to imagine how such an experience might feel from their child’s perspective and experience.
My own children are 4 and 5 years old, and they sit on the side of the sanctuary with me and my wife most Sunday mornings. A few weeks ago, my youngest asked me to pick him up during one of the hymns because he couldn’t see over the pew in front of him — I knew he wasn’t quite tall enough to see, but I had not considered what church looks like to him. If I had seen it from his perspective, this would have been known to me.
Perhaps listening to the concerns or potential complaints of a young person could begin meaningful, lasting, necessary change within the life of a local church. Ultimately, it’s not the job of pastors, children’s ministers, youth pastors or anyone else to entertain or engage young people in church attendance. Some young people may be curious about matters of faith on their own, but for a majority of families, discussing and living out Christian practices at home is the starting point. Christian discipleship cannot be coerced or outsourced.
“Discussing matters of faith at home may start as an uncomfortable exercise, but the result is another avenue for parents to build trust with their children.”
Discussing matters of faith at home may start as an uncomfortable exercise, but the result is another avenue for parents to build trust with their children. Parents also have the invitation to accompany their children in a relationship with God.
Honest and open dialogue can be the foundation for a deeper, more fulfilling relationship between parent and child, and there is much to learn from each perspective. While children and student ministries at church take an important role in biblical basics, faith formation and early discipleship, these are not the only places where faith should be discussed.
As young people grow out of childhood and into adolescence, they begin to differentiate themselves. This is where young people deepen their sense of self and they ask critical questions. The process of differentiation can cause teenagers to reverse course on the previous expectations of parents toward a new trajectory, potentially away from expectations of church attendance or ministry involvement.
Parents may be tempted to be reactive in these moments, saying things like, “I just don’t know who you are anymore.” These responses often drive a wedge into the process of differentiation.
A different approach might be curiosity. If we assume children and teenagers are thoughtful and good in their intentions, maybe we aim to learn something from them. Curiosity might encourage parents to consider the perspective of why a child might not want to attend church or a ministry activity. A parent might also be able to share with their child a rationale of what church attendance might mean and represent to them, such as: “Following Jesus is important for me, and I hope it becomes important for you. My faith has been strengthened by people around me at church, and I hope that you have a similar experience within the life of the church.”
Overall, parents should encourage their children to grow their faith, but coercion will not grow new followers of Christ; it will bring resentment and disdain. Invitation and encouragement for church involvement are to be applauded, but faith cannot simply be handed down like an inheritance. It must be cultivated and grown with intentionality and practice.
As noted minister to families and writer, Meredith Miller, states in her book Woven, “My child is their own person, and their relationship to God is, and always will be, their own.”
Benjamin D. Brown serves as minister to students at Second Baptist Church in Richmond, Va.’