By Jeff Brumley
Broaching the subject of death can be a serious downer in a society obsessed with beauty, health and long life. But there are signs that may be starting to change.
“There are more people who are talking about end-of-life issues,” says Skip Wisenbaker, director of pastoral care at Southern Regional Medical Center in Atlanta.
He’s seen it from both the patient and the family sides. The latter seem more willing to entertain conversations about funeral arrangements, advanced directives and the like.
They are “trying to make sure they can honor the wishes of their loved ones instead of making emotional decisions” in times of crisis, says Wisenbaker, a 30-year career chaplain endorsed by the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship.
Wisenbaker’s observations are borne out by the growing popularity of the global and national Death Cafe movement.
‘It’s anything goes’
Adapted from the teachings of a Swiss sociologist, the intimate gatherings over coffee and tea began in Great Britain in 2011 before spreading to 23 countries. More than 2,000 cafes have met around the world and dozens across the United States.
The meetings, which are held monthly in some places and irregularly in others, seek to normalize an often taboo and awkward subject.
Topics can range from funerals and losing loved ones to euthanasia, pets and fear of the process of dying. Sometimes the subject of spiritual paths and the afterlife are discussed.
“It’s anything goes,” said Mark LaRocca-Pitts, a Methodist elder, hospice chaplain and founder of Death Cafe Atlanta.
“We don’t set an agenda and we don’t lead people to any conclusion or any kind of perspective,” he said.
The movement’s only objective, he said, is to help participants live fuller lives by dispelling the fear of death.
That approach seems to be a big draw for those aged 50 to 60, and for a range of races and ethnicities.
“Religiously, it’s all over the place,” LaRocca-Pitts added.
And most of those in attendance are not sick, though sometimes people with end-stage cancers attend seeking a place to share.
“No one in their family will let them talk about dying and death,” LaRocca-Pitts said.
‘Reality tells us otherwise’
While the Death Cafe movement represents a growing interest in embracing the subject of death, there remains the need for improvement, LaRocca-Pitts.
“The culture doesn’t allow those conversations to occur commonly,” he said.
Larry Connelly sees that fact often in his job as a CBF-endorsed chaplain at Peachtree Christian Hospice in Atlanta.
Connelly said he’s witnessed a greater willingness by some to discuss death. But others want to live in denial.
“It all depends on the person,” he said. “I don’t see any trends.”
Even many of those who are OK with the discussions will go only so far.
“I don’t know if ‘acceptance’ is the word I’d use, but they are beginning to acknowledge it more.”
Connelly said he attended a Death Cafe Atlanta meeting recently and found its honesty and lack of morbidity refreshing.
“It’s a wonderful place to talk about those things that concern you or cause you to be concerned about death,” he said. “People leave there relieved.”
But in hospitals and especially in hospice settings, there are many who hang on to the hope of a miracle. At that point it’s up to the team of physicians, nurses, social workers and chaplains to gently guide them through a process they hope leads to acceptance.
But those teams face strong social attitudes, namely the worship of health and beauty exemplified by high demands for plastic surgery even at advanced ages.
“Joan Rivers was a perfect example of wanting to look younger and more vibrant by … getting face lifts,” he said. “We don’t want to die, we don’t want to grow older — but reality tells us otherwise.”