By Elizabeth Evans Hagan
There’s nothing like Easter Sunday to make folks happy. Songs and shouts of “Alleluias” fill our sanctuaries. People arrive dressed in their Easter best. Old and new friends alike are in the same room for a common cause of worship. What’s not to love about this?
Yet, as joyful as Easter season can be, there are many more stories to tell below the surface of the smiling facades. There’s real disappointment. There’s real sorrow. There’s a lot of wondering when day-to-day living will feel like the new life that we preach about is on its way.
As much as we seek to be welcoming as congregations to all people, we often struggle to connect with those who are sad or a little out of sorts. For as much as we know how to throw parties for weddings, births and anniversaries, abiding with one another in some of life’s most heartbreaking losses is much more complicated.
Out of fear of not knowing what to say, often our response is to do nothing. “I’ll just give so and so their space right now.” Or, we fill the void of discomfort with pleasantries about the weather when we greet them in the hallways.
What we don’t realize is that our ignorance of basic caring skills can be even more painful than the root cause of the problem for a friend or loved one.
So by means of Pastoral Public Service Announcement — PPSA if you will — consider the following suggestions, not from medical or psychological expertise but rather from one pastoral heart to another.
How can we find ways to ways to support all persons in our webs of relationships during this season of resurrection?
1. Don’t underestimate the value of your own pain story. Even if you are seeking to care for a person who is going through a situation that you don’t understand, pain is pain. If you’ve known what is it like to be in the dark night of the soul (no matter the reason), you will recognize this in another, and it will be a comfort to your friend to know that the sadness in them is not unknown to you.
2. Don’t say, “I understand,” when you don’t. But, do listen. Listen, and listen some more. Often times, people in grief just need to be heard. Sometimes hearing a story completely can be a gift to another greater than one will ever know.
3. Spiritual language, if not used appropriately, can bring damage that lasts for years to come. Use phrases like “God’s will,” “God only gives us only what we can handle” or “It must not be God’s plan,” with caution. If you must use spiritual language, consider things like “God is crying tears along with you right now” or “Your community of faith loves you.”
4. When all else fails, just show up and be a presence. Simple tasks like doing the dishes, gathering the laundry or making sure the children in the house have their homework done are often tasks that the grieving don’t have energy for or interest in. Doing things without being told to do them, is a risk, sure, but it’s often exactly what the greatest ministry is. By taking out the trash or bringing a meal, you are reminding the sad that their humanity and its basic needs are still valued for them as people.
What a great time of year to embody the resurrection story of “God’s love shows no favoritism” than by living it with one another!