By Greg Oman
As an Eagle Scout, I learned at a young age the scout motto of “be prepared.” In scouting you learn to prepare for most anything — injury, accident or getting lost in the woods. But not even the Boy Scouts could prepare this 14-year-old for something he would face several times in his life but many years later.
Death is without a doubt one of the most significant events in life. Being at the bedside of a dying family member is both traumatic and spiritual. Likewise, caring for a dying relative is extremely meaningful while also very demanding.
I shared these experiences when both my parents passed away within a year of each other. Now I’ve had the time to reflect and ask, “Is there anything we can do to anticipate death?”
Note the use of “anticipate” and not “prepare.” It goes without saying that knowing Christ and living as his disciple allows us to anticipate death. The gospel message of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection is essential to anyone anticipating death. But there are other practical things that help us to anticipate death.
One thing I learned is that we should go through the dying experience with others. The challenge of dying requires strength and assistance from qualified members of our faith community.
I lived with my mother during the last five months of her life, but it was my sister, Amy, who brought my mom plenty of delicious food and comfort items. My sister had the keen sense of knowing what my mother needed the most. Her caregiving was both timely and crucial to my mother’s comfort and well being.
I will never forget what my mother said to me a week before she died, “I don’t understand what is happening to me!” I felt helpless, because I didn’t have an answer for her then. Later, with the help of hospice care, I learned that many changes go on in a person’s body weeks before dying. Most of us are simply unprepared to face the questions and needs of a dying person. We need to enlist other helpers who are knowledgeable and more capable.
I also learned the importance of finding out beforehand what someone wants done for her when she’s dying. Does she want to die quietly at home in the company of a few close family members or have lots of friends and relatives around? Does she prefer to hear music or the reading of scripture, or does she simply want someone to sit quietly in the room?
Talking about these issues with aging relatives is essential to them and helpful to you as their caregiver. One important item to address is the type and amount of medicine required to manage their pain during death. It’s important to solicit the advice of a doctor you trust before making these decisions.
Another thing I learned is that now is time to hear all the important life stories that a family member or relative has yet to share with you.
Have you been waiting for years to find out from your favorite uncle what it was like for him to grow up during the Depression, fall in love or build a career? Once he’s passed on to be with the Lord, those stories are likely to go with him. Don’t let the opportunity get away to hear treasured stories of the past.
Finally, anticipating death means accepting that you won’t really be prepared for it. Death comes unannounced to each of us, and no one gets a dress rehearsal. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do anything before it arrives.
I heard of a pastor who rehearsed the events he wanted to do prior to his death: unfinished tasks, telling his friends and family of his love and giving thanks for all the treasured blessings and experiences of his life. He called it “practicing the art of dying.”
Following the death of my mother, I felt a load of guilt for the things I should have done for her during her lifetime and the months before her death. I simply wasn’t fully prepared for her death. It was then that I asked the Lord’s forgiveness for these sins and shortcomings.
The Lord gave me the assurance of his forgiveness and the peace that his grace had been sufficient when my efforts were not. I’m a better person now that I’ve learned a few things about anticipating death.