Several months ago, I was riding in the passenger seat of a hearse from the funeral home to the cemetery to officiate a church member’s funeral. The driver kindly asked me about myself: Where I went to school, how long I had been a pastor, and if I was married and had children.
When I said I wasn’t married, he responded carefully, “Do you mind if I ask? A single female pastor — that’s pretty different, isn’t it?”
I laughed and said, “I think so!”
Maddie Rarick
He was right. In my experience, I have known few female pastors and fewer who were single. I resonated with what he said (it is different!), and I appreciated his gentle candor. After that conversation, I began thinking seriously about what it means to be a single minister and Christian.
Singleness as a legitimate path
I believe being single is a legitimate path for a Christian. This is not because I am disenchanted with marriage as a concept, nor do I find it antiquated and inherently sexist. This has nothing to do with any resentments toward men or any dating baggage.
If anything, I see old boyfriends as opportunities where I learned more about myself and first date stories as funny anecdotes. I believe marriage is a creation of God for human flourishing and faithful living. I just also believe it is not the only way to be a faithful follower of Christ.
In college (and sometimes still), I was asked frequently how I could be a pastor when my husband was the head of the home. Once a classmate asked me how I could be a pastor if my husband was the spiritual leader and I answered, “What if I don’t get married?” He did not know how to respond.
“When marriage is assumed as the most blessed and faithful path, those who do not follow such a path can be seen as an aberration.”
I am not reprimanding him for not knowing what to say because, as a student at a small Christian college, that was the water we were drinking. I understand the question when those asking were raised in complementarian homes and still ascribed to that model of marriage (although, it is not the only way to understand a biblical teaching of marriage).
However, that it was assumed I would marry always struck me. When marriage is assumed as the most blessed and faithful path, those who do not follow such a path can be seen as an aberration from what is a good and faithful life.
Singleness in Scripture
Rarely have I heard Baptists emphasize the fact that Jesus never married. The evidence to suggest Jesus ever married is scant in New Testament studies, despite popular novels giving Jesus a wife.
Further, in 2012, Harvard professor Karen King presented on a fourth century papyrus that mentions Jesus speaking about his wife. This spurred renewed interest about the possibility of Jesus having been married. NPR even reported on this discovery.
However, this fourth century document mentioning Christ taking a wife likely says more about early church debates around marriage and sexuality than it does about Jesus’ marital status. The fact that contemporary Christians became enamored with the possibility speaks more to our confusion around marriage, singleness and sexuality than about the real possibility of Jesus ever having been married.
Orthodox Christianity has affirmed that Jesus was single. If Jesus lived his life single, the church must consider it is a legitimate path for faithful living. The Catholic Church has long understood the gift celibacy is to the church, although I may differ slightly in my views on prescribing marriage or singleness to any person, including a member of the clergy. Protestants can learn something from the Catholic commitment to honoring single laity and ministers.
“If Jesus lived his life single, the church must consider it is a legitimate path for faithful living.”
Paul addresses singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. The social milieu of the Corinthian church is surprisingly similar to the one in which Americans are now living. In particular, the overt sexual openness in the Corinthian context mirrors our own. The viewing of pornography is considered mainstream, and “hooking up” is spoken of as commonplace among those who are dating, especially younger people.
The pendulum opposite of a cultural sexual openness and an uncertainty about the institution of marriage is the assumption that every young Christian woman and young Christian man are bound for marriage.
Paul encourages the Christians in Corinth to see that one of the ways we live out the gospel is through right relationships, including right sexual relationships. In cultures where participation in and viewing of sex is readily available, being single and celibate can be a testament to the counter-cultural call of the gospel. In a Protestant evangelical subculture where marriage is assumed, singleness can be a prophetic witness to the church.
Paul makes plain that being single and being married are both gifts from God (1 Corinthians 7:8). For those whom God has called to stay single or who are gifted with singleness, this gifting serves as a witness to a God who gives people unique abilities to serve others in love. Paul encourages those who are single to stay single if they can resist the desire to have sex, a natural desire for most.
If Paul is largely speaking to those who are widowed or divorced, he must believe God can gift singleness to people for a time. For some, God has given them the call to be single for a lifetime, and others just for a time. Either way, the apostle sees it as a gift from God and I have seen it as a gift to the church.
The church as a family of faith
Since becoming a pastor a little more than a year ago, being single has presented me with opportunities for ministry, not served as a hinderance in ministry. As a single pastor, I have seen ways in which the freedom from family obligations can be used in service to the congregation. My evenings are not full of children’s activities, nor do I need to ensure I am spending time with a spouse, so I have additional time to help with church ministries and participate in activities. Although single ministers will need to be cautious in their right not to become overburdened and burn out, their unique life might afford them more time to minister to their members.
As a single minister, I also find I am sensitive to the ways in which single people often feel they don’t fit the norm in church. For example, I often bemoaned how the lighting of the Advent wreath felt like a privileged reserved for the married (and typically with little children), so this year my worship planning team and I asked a single person to light the candles one week. I may have been the only one who noticed, but it meant a lot to me to see a single person lead in worship in this way.
I often talk to the single women in my church about how it feels living alone, how we sometimes feel lonely and extra-cautious. I have recommended an alarm system to a woman in my church living alone. Although we both live in safe neighborhoods, that extra layer of security is a peace of mind when you live alone as a woman.
We’ve joked about wanting to learn how to accomplish “male tasks” around the house. We single people feel the church’s call to be interdependent in special ways. I am blessed with a knowledgeable and caring facilities committee, many of whom have taught me the very things I’m putting into practice around the parsonage. I am grateful for the many “moms” who check in on me when I am sick.
We need each other. We need community. Far too often, I have heard single people speak of themselves as a burden (or not wanting to become a burden) on others, but, in actuality, I have seen single people serve and be served in ways that are a testament to Christ’s church. An elderly single woman feels like an intrusion when she’s asked to join a young family for Easter lunch. The family, though, is grateful for the opportunity to bless a fellow church member and for their young children to have another “grandparent” to give them wisdom.
“The local church is a family of faith, and this includes our single members.”
The local church is a family of faith, and this includes our single members.
Ruth and Naomi can serve as examples for us. Both widowed, grieving and afraid, Ruth commits herself to her mother-in-law, someone she would have had no familial obligation to any longer. She binds herself to Naomi so that they both might find a kinsman redeemer to save them from destitution.
Although she at first protests, Naomi goes with her daughter-in-law. Ruth is a friend (the literal meaning of the name ‘Ruth”). Even amidst grief and fear, single people can be bearers of hope to others.
Practical advice
Here are practical steps for how churches might view and treat their single members and ministers as full members:
- Incorporate single people into worship, especially in parts that have typically been reserved for the married.
- Around holidays or any old Sunday, invite them to lunch. For many single people, singleness is plagued by loneliness, especially around mealtimes.
- Check on your single members when they are sick. See if they have enough food and medicine, or if they need help getting to a doctor. If you get in the habit of checking in when you know someone is sick, they might be more willing to reach out before word gets out that they are sick.
- You don’t need to explain why people are single. This one might not sound as important as others, but it is one that causes single people pain often, especially those who are older. If someone asks you why your pastor or friend or Sunday school classmate is single, you don’t need to provide a reason. A simple “I don’t know” or even “I’m not sure there is necessarily a reason” would suffice. There might not be a reason. There might be. Either way, let people speak for themselves.
- Not everyone’s singleness looks the same for any one person or at any one point. You’ll notice the nuances through friendship. For some, living alone is lonely. For others, it allows a freedom that can be both enjoyable and allows them to be hospitable to others without the constraints of marriage and family. For many, it’s a little bit of both.
Here are practical steps single Christians can take to ensure they are not “sitting on the bench” during their single years, no matter how long those years are:
- You have unique opportunities to serve. Care for the other single people in your church. If you have spare time, use it to serve a busy family. If you are good with children, ask if you can babysit for an evening. See this time, for however long it is, as the blessing it can be to the church.
- Let people help you. It’s a witness to the gospel. If a church member wants to bring you soup when you have the flu, let her bless you. If this is difficult for you, you’re in good company. I find many people struggle to let others serve them in these ways (especially we independent Americans). Don’t let your desire for independence get in the way of God working through someone.
- Don’t settle. Although I cannot speak from personal experience, I have been told and have seen it would be worse to marry the wrong person than never marry.
- For pastors, if you want to date, be cautious and protect your privacy. Church members are invested in the lives of their pastors because they love their pastors. Be cautious about when you introduce someone to your church. Wednesday night supper probably is not the best setting for a second date. You do not need to detail your dating life to people who ask if you don’t want to. Everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy.
- Share your perspective. I shared mine but it’s narrow by the sheer nature of it being one among many. Like I said, there are many ways of being single.
Maddie Rarick serves as pastor of Meadow Oaks Baptist Church in Temple, Texas. A native of Sugar Land, Texas, Rarick completed a bachelor of arts degree in Christian studies at the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor and a master of divinity degree at Truett Seminary. She then was selected to receive the Parish Pulpit (Graduate Preaching) Fellowship from the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, where she earned a master of theology degree.
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