(clears throat, drinks water, begins.)
Blessed are the persecuted mega-church majorities,
for they own most of the world already.
Blessed are those who mourn the loss of Christianity’s cultural power,
for they will be trapped eternally in a group text reminding them and 30 others that “GOD’S NOT DEAD!”
Blessed are the poor,
cause I read in a recent chain email about this one dude who bought, like, a case of shrimp Rockefeller and a year’s supply of Virginia Slims with his food stamps, which by the way: WELFARE CREATES DEPENDENCY, MAURY POVICH RATING SPIKES, AND ALSO DRUGS.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst on social media for other peoples’ righteousness,
for they will inherit Farmville.
Blessed are the unmerciful,
for they will be shown pictures from their middle school yearbooks.
Blessed are the pure in doctrine,
for they will see god as their words about god.
Blessed are the internet culture-warriors,
for they will be called [comment has been deleted for sensitivity issues]
Blessed are the perennially offended,
for they will inherit talk radio.
And blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because you desperately shout your truth on street corners, 24 hour news organizations, and stadium sized worship services in order to remind all of us that groups of people you disagree with and find distasteful are the reason terrible things befall our world.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is the reward you currently enjoy as the wealthiest people in the wealthiest nation the world has ever known. All the prophets who came before you were poor, Jewish, and geo-politically powerless.
(collects self and empty water bottle, exits stage right)