Last month we discussed ways to extinct undesirable behaviors. Now we will turn our attention to the other side of the coin.
Reducing our reinforcement of negative behaviors is a great start, but we also have to be purposeful about reinforcing positive ones. Unfortunately, as parents we tend to focus more on our children when they are “bad” and less when they are “good.” This tends to happen when we slip into short-term thinking. Usually we are very happy when our children are staying out of trouble and not aggravating us, but if we do not provide positive feedback, these positive behaviors are not strengthened. In fact, we can unwittingly teach children to act out by providing more attention when they are being disobedient. Don't forget that attention is reinforcing to children. Do you want your children to realize they get more attention for acting up than they do for behaving well? We have to be careful to avoid this trap.
Bruce Powers
Another common problem is that many parents are hesitant to reward behaviors that they perceive as basic expectations. But when we ignore good behavior we run the risk of extincting it. I have heard many parents say that they refused to reward things like cleaning rooms, doing chores or speaking appropriately to others. It is true that we cannot have our children depend on rewards for everything, but at the same time, we cannot circumvent the way learning works: satisfying outcomes strengthen a behavior, unsatisfying outcomes weaken it. We need to broaden our view of rewards.
Remember, reinforcement can take many forms, and things like praise and attention are both powerful and free. We have had few celebrations in our home greater than the one that took place when one child asked the other nicely for a toy and received it. We had been through months of coaching and negotiating, trying to stamp out the grabbing and fighting (and shrieking) and replace it with words and manners. Finally it happened! Our response could have been, “About time, that's what you should always do,” but that would have wasted an opportunity to reinforce positive behaviors. If you have been through potty training, then you have already seen this process at work. Almost everyone uses rewards and various other reinforcements during potty training (even though it is a very basic expectation), but very few parents still give their 5th graders a treat when they use the bathroom. The key is using reinforcement to get the behaviors started, and over time they bring their own rewards, like personal satisfaction, positive interactions and achieving goals.
Catch your children being good. Use praise liberally, and surprise them every now and then with treats because you're so happy about their good decisions. Make sure they see that they have a better chance of good outcomes when they play by God's rules (not to mention the rules of your household), and that defying the rules just doesn't turn out well.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected] . Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board's emerging leaders team.