By Mary Miller
About a year ago I resigned the pastorate of a church where I had served for 13 years. As I prepared to resign, I faced the usual list of not-so-pleasant tasks: compose a resignation letter, figure out how and when to make the announcement and prepare to deal with their feelings and my own.
Leaving a ministry well is important, and I wanted to do it with integrity. This required having the conversation with my church leadership about the ethical boundaries that would guide our relationship into the future. All of this was familiar territory to me. This was not my first pastorate; I had done this before and handled it all pretty well, I thought.
But then reality struck: a lot had changed in 13 years, and one big change was the advent of social media. In 1999, Facebook did not exist. By 2012, it was an essential tool for business and communication. How do “separation ethics” for pastors apply to the use of social media?
The Covenant and Code of Ethics for Ministerial Leaders of American Baptist Churches says this: “I will, upon my resignation or retirement, sever my ministerial leadership relations with my former constituents, and will not make ministerial contacts in the field of another ministerial leader without his/her request and/or consent.” It’s a simple statement, but complex to interpret and apply.
Social media are a regular part of my life; I use Facebook and Twitter among others. I had church members among my “friends” and “followers,” along with other pastors and community contacts. As a small-town pastor I also had plenty of boundary-blurring relationships that defied categorizing. What would I do?
Confession time: I copped out. My move happened quickly, and it is always complicated to move a family several states away. So I didn’t do anything. At least not right away. But after a few months I began to regret it.
Ministry is complicated. We hear plenty about the importance of maintaining appropriate boundaries, but let’s face it: we fall in love. We develop deep relationships with the people we serve. We go through all of those ups and downs together, all of those significant transitions. Some of them do indeed become our lifelong friends. But we have a responsibility to do what is best for them and for ourselves. That includes creating a space where they can form a healthy bond with their new leader, and where we can make meaningful connections in our new place of ministry.
As time passed, I began to realize that staying connected on social media was not good for me. The constant trickle of personal news and church updates was really making it difficult for me to “move on” emotionally. Worse, I suspected that the news from me might be having the same effect back in that little town.
So I bit the bullet and did what needed to be done. One winter evening, about four months after my move, I sat down and “unfriended” a large chunk of folks who represented that ministry for me. I did it prayerfully. I was surprised by the feelings it stirred up, the fresh wave of grief. I am convinced it was the right thing to do.
What would I do if I had it to do over? I have reflected on this with a pastor friend currently in the midst of a pastoral transition. He wisely decided to address the issue of social media up front. In his letter of resignation, he wrote that he would remove himself from contact with church members on Facebook, at least for a while. He specifically stated that this was an issue of ministerial ethics, not a lack of affection and friendship.
How long is “a while?” I would like to suggest about a year. As regional staff, we recommend that those who leave a ministry but remain in the community refrain from worshiping in that church for a minimum of a year. We all know how significant the passing of a year can be in moving through other kinds of separation and grief; perhaps this is a good guide in this situation as well.
The answers are not always easy, or clear. Our call challenges us to reflect carefully on our faithfulness, and the use of social media is no exception. As has so often happened, our technological progress has outpaced our ethical understanding of its appropriate use. May each one who leaves a place of ministry do so in the way that best allows God’s grace to be at work.