At the recent Golden Globes, Demi Moore received the award for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy for her role in a gruesome, gory horror film. The Substance — which I have not seen — does not sound like a musical or a comedy.
Moore plays a TV fitness instructor who is fired from her show for the horrible crime of turning 50. In order to get back on top, she takes a potion that causes a younger version of herself to literally explode from her back.
Brett Younger
A not surprisingly surprised Moore began her acceptance speech: “I’ve been acting for 45 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever won anything as an actor. Thirty years ago, I had a producer tell me I was a popcorn actress, and at that time, I made that mean this wasn’t something I was allowed to have. That I could do movies that were successful, that made a lot of money, but I couldn’t be acknowledged. And I bought in, and I believed that. That corroded me over time, to the point where I thought a few years ago maybe this was it. Maybe I was complete.”
But as Moore closed her speech, she offered this: “In those moments when we don’t think we’re smart enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or are basically just not enough, (I remember), I had a woman say to me, ‘Just know you will never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you just put down the measuring stick.’”
Most of us have heard voices tell us where we do not measure up. We hear we are not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough or basically just not enough. For those of us who are not movie stars, negative voices begin with parents, siblings, employers, colleagues, supposed friends or social media, but then we give those destructive voices a rent-free residence inside our heads. The voice of self-criticism beats us up over something we did or did not do, makes us anxious over things we cannot control, or tells us we will never get it right.
“Some of the things we say about ourselves are crueler than anything we would say to a friend.”
Some of the things we say about ourselves are crueler than anything we would say to a friend. Why do we think if we are mean to ourselves it will motivate us? That does not work. The self-critical voice leads to procrastination. We feel terrible and do not do what we need or want to do. An imaginary drill sergeant yelling at us is not helpful.
The harmful thoughts we have about ourselves keep us stuck in depressing loops where we cannot stop thinking about a mistake we made, a person who does not like us, or a shortcoming we have. We ruminate over things we cannot change. We shift from acknowledging that we make mistakes to believing we are mistakes.
Christians believe we need to hear a different voice than the ones that put us down. When we feel overwhelmed by negative voices, we can listen for the voice of kindness. If we can picture the compassion God offers others, we can imagine the compassion God offers us.
If we listen for forgiveness, we hear God say, “What you said was stupid, but you’re not. Everybody says stupid stuff. You messed up, but give yourself some grace. Maybe you’ll get it right next time.”
God says: “Let go of at least some of your anxiety. You’re normal. You’re human. You’re going to mess up. But it’s OK. Be kinder to yourself.”
We can hear from a perspective bigger than our own: “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, but most of this isn’t permanent or nearly as big as it feels right now. Will it matter five years from now? Some of the things that are keeping you up at night will look small soon.”
We need to hear voices, the ones that are better than our own.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y. He is not a movie star.