As I drove my children to school the day after the election, my middle school daughter began to ask questions. Days, weeks and months leading up to the election, there were questions from both of my daughters. They could see and feel something was happening. Car rides sprinkled with campaign signs and nights on the couch watching TV together with campaign commercials sparked all kinds of questions.
“What are all the signs for?”
“My teacher said … . Is that true?”
“What does the president do?”
“What do you have to do be president?”
“Can a kid be president?”
Sarah Boberg
“If the president has children, do those children get their own room in the White House?”
Talking to children is difficult on a normal day. Children are not adults. They do not think like adults or speak like adults. They do not act like adults or even emote like adults. Children are different; that is what makes them special. Talking to children amid turmoil, trauma, grief and uncertainty often feels like too heavy of a burden. However, not talking to them is a huge mistake.
So, if you are feeling particularly burdened by the tension surrounding the current election season or simply the tensions of life, below are some best practices for talking to your children in difficult seasons.
Set a tone for open dialogue. This is important for setting the groundwork for hard conversations. If you have not practiced talking to your children on the normal days, you will struggle to have conversations on the hard ones.
Some of our best conversations happen in the car. We as a family have set the tone of open dialogue (and dance parties) in the car. Just recently as my children and I were sitting in the car with Chick-fil-A dinner and my husband ran into the grocery store for peanut butter for lunch boxes the next day, my 6-year-old asked a question. “Do they really kill chickens to make chicken nuggets?”
I could have easily ignored the question or made a joke to move the conversation. I was frightened about where this conversation was going as a person who does not eat a lot of meat myself. Instead, I simply answered, “Yes. They do kill chickens to make chicken nuggets.” She responded, “OK. That’s why the cows want you to eat more chicken.” And she continued to finish her six-piece nuggets.
She had a question and felt comfortable asking it. I answered clearly and that was enough. I was prepared to go into conversations about dietary choices like vegetarianism and veganism and humane practices for providing and preparing food. But at that moment, those were not needed.
We had set the tone for conversation, long before this specific conversation. And I can bet the conversation will continue some day soon and we will get to dive deeper into the conversation of chicken nuggets.
Start difficult conversations by asking how they feel or what they have heard or seen and then LISTEN. Do not assume you know what they feel or what they have experienced. Do not project your personal feelings on to them; ask them.
“Do not project your personal feelings on to them; ask them.”
All too often children do not feel heard. For difficult conversations, allow them to share, or not share, in their own words, and practice active listening. Listen to their words, the tone in their voice, their pauses, when they search for words, their body language.
The day after the election, I was most concerned about my middle- schooler. What would she see and hear? What conversations would she have? Would the tension of grief and celebration be evident to her?
One the way to church that night, I asked, “How was school today? Did anyone talk about the election?” She shared her experience with a close friend who supported a different candidate than us. She said she knew her friend did not support the same candidate as her, but she was her friend, and she didn’t judge her. She then went on to share pieces of their conversation. I was amazed. I think my middle schooler may be better at hard conversations than I am.
I asked and listened. In doing so, my child shared more than I could have ever known if I had not allowed her the space to share.
Keep the dialogue straight forward and honest. Avoid the use of coded, complex or too-simplified language. Avoid graphic information or images.
“Too often we seek to change the narrative for children.”
Too often we seek to change the narrative for children. We tell little white lies or half-truths to protect them. However, this does not set the foundation for honest communication.
When someone dies, use the word “dead.” Avoid words like “passed away” or “gone.” Some children, especially younger ones, do not have the social and linguistical experience to understand these terms we adults use. To be honest, most adults struggle with the abstract language we have created for difficult times.
Do not make up pretty language and images to make yourself feel better. Be clear and honest. God did not need another flower or angel in heaven. Not only the good die young.
Straightforward and honest language and conversations are best for any difficult conversation. Give honest and truthful information, but hold back too many details, especially in opening conversations. First conversations are to reveal the reality of the situation.
My husband and I both served in congregational ministry for the first 20 years of our adult lives. Because of this, our children have had many experiences most children have not. Our children have been exposed to a lot of hospitals, deaths, funeral homes and funerals. Because of this, we have learned to be honest and clear in our communication.
At one funeral visitation when our daughter was about 5, she walked up to the open casket. This was not a new scene for her, and we had had conversations in the car. As she gazed into the open casket, a sweet lady said to her, “She is sleeping.” This is not terminology we had used with her about death. Her response was, “Are those her PJs she’s wearing?”
“Clear, honest, to-the-point answers are best.”
Young children have not fully developed abstract thinking and or the understanding of double use language and terms. Therefore, clear, honest, to-the-point answers are best.
Share your own feelings. Do not hide your natural feelings and emotions during a difficult time from your children. Allow them to see you sad and angry. Let them see your tears and your silence. However, do not just show them, but talk about them with your child.
Children often experience difficult situations for the first time. When tragedy strikes, most adults have some frame of reference and tools to process. However, children experience things for the first time. They need to see and experience that it is OK to respond when things are not just right.
The night of the election, my husband, middle schooler and I watched the numbers and states turning colors together. This was the first election in which she had been engaged in the process. She asked questions, about how they know the votes so quickly and if commentators have their own opinions that they have to keep to themselves. We answered each question with the most accurate information we had. The morning after the election, my middle schooler asked, “Who won?” My husband responded, “Donald Trump.”
She could sense our disappointment and fear. On the way to school, I shared with her why I was a little sad. I told her I did not always like the loud and hateful way Donald Trump speaks to and about people. I told her I was worried about what decisions he will make for our country. I also talked to her about democracy and the great privilege to live in a country that allows for individuals to vote and have a say. I shared I was struggling to accept the country’s choice and would need some time to process through it all.
I did not deny or ignore my feelings; she would have seen right through me. I also did not try to make it all better with a “God’s got this response.” I shared in the most honest and simple way I could what I was feeling.
However, know this takes great practice. I am a children’s minister and mother. I have had a lot of practice sharing with children. I also have shared in some not-so-appropriate ways throughout my life.
Start practicing with your partner and friends. Start sharing your feelings and emotions in clear and simple language, when you can, and admit when you do not know what you are feeling. This practice will make it more comfortable when you need to share with your children.
Encourage, offer support and keep the door open for future conversations. Most of us need affirmation, encouragement and support. During difficult times, we need it even more. We need to know we are not alone, that our thoughts and feelings are valid, and we have a place to process.
“Name the names of family and friends who love them and will be there for them.”
Children need to be encouraged in difficult times. Remind them they are not alone and they are surrounded by a support system. Name the names of family and friends who love them and will be there for them.
Ask your child what they need by saying, “What would be helpful for you during this time?” If they don’t know, offer suggestions — silence, snuggles on the couch, a walk, reading Scripture, writing a prayer, coloring, ice cream, a family game night?
Establish a check-in system. A word, phrase, a thumbs up, a cell phone emoji, a handshake that is affirmation they are OK. Something you can send them from across a crowded room or send via text, encouraging them to offer it back if they are OK. It will be your sacred language. (My husband has a special handshake with each of our girls.)
Thank your children for sharing their thoughts and feelings. Thank them for trusting you. Encourage them they can always share with you, no matter what.
These are just a few tips to talking with your child during difficult times. Remember, each child is different. What works with one child may not work with the other. The most important thing is to offer a non-judgmental place full of active listening and encouragement, a place that will be revisited over and over again throughout the difficulties of life.
Sarah Boberg serves as assistant professor of Christian education and director of the Empowering Families Grant at Campbell University Divinity School in Buies Creek, N.C. She earned a bachelor’s degree in religion and a master of divinity degree from Campbell, she earned a Ph.D. in educational studies at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Her dissertation research focused on the call experiences of Baptist women in ministry.