It was a particularly lonely moment in my life the first time I joined a church on my own. I had joined several churches up to that point (I am a pastor’s kid) but this was the first time without my family. Without them at my side, it was a jolt I didn’t see coming. Actually, as I think about it, simply visiting a church completely on your own can be an overwhelmingly and intimidating experience.
I was 24 years old and had moved away from home for the first time. I was beginning my seminary journey at Baptist Theological Seminary of Richmond, and a five-hour commute just seemed out of the question. So I moved from Huntington, W.Va., (population 50,000 at that time) to Richmond, Va. (metro area population 780,000 at that time). My little world was beginning to grow.
Eli Withers
Although not all that far away in distance, in so many ways Huntington and Richmond were worlds apart. It sometimes felt like I was learning a whole other language in spite of the relatively short distance from home.
Where I came from, the word “pop” was interchangeable for pretty much any bubbly soft drink you can name — Coca Cola, Dr Pepper or even Sprite. This was not the case in my new home. And did you know that in Richmond, the word “river” actually ends with an “ah” instead of an “er” like I always had been taught?
I have to admit I was a bit impressed with the creativity of the endless supply of West Virginia jokes I was told on a regular basis.
It didn’t take long until I began to develop an affection for Richmond. I now consider it my second home. I have officially hit the mark where more of my life has been lived in Virginia than in West Virginia. But on that October morning so many years ago, there was no one by my side when I walked to the front of the church.
This is my life
No longer was there any doubt that life would ever be the same. That was my life — perhaps the first moment where I really knew I was out in the big, scary world all on my own. I was still young, and being single was not such a big deal to most. I was not the exception to the rule at that point. I was a student and I was new to the area. We all had high hopes that my days of being single were numbered.
Throughout my first year of seminary, my world burst wide open. I met people from places I’d never been with experiences I’d never had. I was learning so many brand-new things that I couldn’t quite soak them up completely. I loved my job as a youth minister, and my church was very patient with me as I continued to learn from week to week (sometimes moment by moment) how to be a better, stronger minister. I loved the kids, the families, the church.
“The last thing on my mind was finding a man to love and marry me.”
The last thing on my mind was finding a man to love and marry me. I deeply desired to throw myself into my ministry and education. And for the most part, I sincerely loved every minute of it.
It turns out I loved Richmond. I loved seminary. And I loved the flexibility of a life that allowed me to spend time with my youth group kids as well as new friends, old friends and family who often visited. I went to movies, concerts, plays, sightseeing around the city, even took an occasional road trip to the beach for the day — definitely not something I could do in West Virginia.
This life allowed me the freedom to make my own decisions based mostly on what I believed was best for me and what I wanted to do. Even though I often checked in with those closest to me for clarity and affirmation in many of my bigger decisions, I didn’t have to check in with someone else’s schedule or plans. (Spoiler alert: I still don’t.)
Now don’t get me wrong, this was quite a challenging time in my life, but in a way that I knew was making me more me. In fact, I had begun to know and enjoy an independence I never really had known before. And so, one day turned into another day and another and another and here I am at 51. I still love to hang out with friends and family when I’m able, and I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to minister to folks in a new place with even more experiences previously unknown to me and see how God works through and in us together. And the marriage thing still has not happened for me, but I am still quite fond of the independence that meant so much to me in my younger days.
How churches view single people
It’s interesting how churches view and/or treat single people. I remember the name of an adult Sunday school class in my home church. It was a class for married couples and singles together (which I admire because too often we have tended toward dividing folks according to some sort of predetermined criteria like age, gender or marital status). They called themselves Pairs and Spares. Really? Spares?
Webster defines “spare” as “not being used, being over and above what is needed.” Now, I didn’t grasp the full meaning of that name when I was younger. An image of bowling came to my mind when I gave half a second’s thought to it. But for some reason, the name of that class planted itself in my brain and I’ve never forgotten it. And just recently I was surprised to learn this class name was not at all unique to our church.
“Usually, it feels like my singleness bothers others much more than it bothers me.”
Usually, it feels like my singleness bothers others much more than it bothers me. Occasionally, I get “What do we do with her?” vibes from folks. Sometimes people wonder (out loud even), “Why have you never married? What’s wrong with you?”
When he was younger, my own nephew, Kaleb, once asked me if I really do have a husband and just keep him hidden at home all the time. At various points of my ministry I’ve looked around and wondered if I were not on the payroll of a particular church, would there really be a place for me? Would I find someplace I belonged? Would there be a class or small group where I, as a single person, would not be considered a random extra part of something?
Every now and then I have experienced a smattering of church members who’ve treated me as if I am broken and need to be fixed. Sometimes it’s only implied, but on occasion it comes with a couple names that meet the qualifications of a very random and superficial check list.
Mostly, though, I have found myself in the company of those who have both respected and cared for me — even if not really understanding me.
I cannot count the number of sermons I’ve heard over the years about how wonderful and godly marriage is or about the blessing of parenthood bestowed on some by God (and I don’t disagree), but never once have I heard a sermon on the gift of being single and that maybe it takes great courage and hutzpah to live life on your own in a way that gives glory to God every bit as much as a married couple or family — just in different ways.
To be fair, I’ve never preached one either. Marriage is so often held up as the gold standard in church life — something to which we aspire in life. And when we don’t reach that goal, there is a pervasive feeling that we have fallen short. Although I believe this mentality has been more prevalent in the past, it is still present in the church in spite of the fact that 47% of the American population is single (but more on that in a minute).
Single pastors
Seeming ideas and expectations about single ministers are a bit confounding to me. Often, in the church, there is an undercurrent of thinking that we singles have little else going on in our lives besides our job/the church — or at least little else of great value. Presumably, we have nothing else to take care of, so what else could we possibly have going on? When the doors of the church are open, we, of all people, surely should be there. If we are seen as having something to offer, often it is less than what is expected of our married counterparts. Some folks act as if our life experiences are completely insignificant, or at the very least, lacking something.
Once, a retired pastor shared with me his list of suggested qualities he had offered to a church looking for their next senior pastor. I was stunned to see right smack in the middle of the list that the candidate should be married with children. (Is this the place where we remind folks that Jesus was single?)
Of course, we single clergy have a vast range of experiences and stations in life. As is true with all of us, no two lives are lived exactly the same way. Some of us don’t have kids to care for, some do. Some of us have created families close by and some of us are perfectly content to live life quite independently and on our own terms. Obviously, there is no spouse. But just as there is more than one way to be a part of a couple or a family, there is not just one way to be single.
“Just as there is more than one way to be a part of a couple or a family, there is not just one way to be single.”
Although the Bible does not clearly state that Jesus was single, tradition has implied that indeed he was. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone teach about the significance of Jesus’ singleness or as “What was wrong with him?” or “Why did he never marry?”
Just last year, the archbishops of Canterbury and York commissioned a report on relationships and families within The Church of England. After a two-year study the report stated: “The commission believes strongly that single people must be valued at the heart of our society. Jesus’ own singleness should ensure that the Church of England (and the church universal, I would add) celebrates singleness and does not regard it as lesser than living in a couple relationship. … We have an amazing opportunity to reimagine a diverse society in which all families and loving relationships are valued and strengthened, promoting the stability that enables us all to thrive in a variety of family constellations, including being single.”
Listening to our single ministers more often as well as our single church members can open new and exciting doors for ministry. Who better to minister to and with other singles than single ministers? And it seems that there is definitely space for that.
Largest unreached people group
Forbes magazine says 47% of the American population is single. However, according to Table for One ministries, only 23% of singles are in the church. They call single adults “the largest unreached people group in our communities.” That’s pretty significant. We have some work to do.
What could it look like to affirm others in their own life choices and the unique ways they are called to live as well as the unique ways they work to serve God in their actual lives? Perhaps knowing our single sisters and brothers would help us be better able to reach out to others in our community who are in similar life situations.
“None of us need to live out of scarcity, and we should not imply that anyone should, when we are all called to live in the endlessly lavish love of God.”
There are abundant blessings available to all of us — and we all have much to give — no matter our marital status. None of us need to live out of scarcity, and we should not imply that anyone should, when we are all called to live in the endlessly lavish love of God.
Learning from widows
One of the greatest blessings of my single ministry life has been the opportunity to know and build significant relationships with the many widows of the church. I have heard the stories of their dear spouses and the significant moments from life with their loved ones. I don’t take those stories lightly. They are sacred.
I have witnessed the care those who already have experienced the loss of a spouse gather to support, love and encourage one another and very intentionally reach out to those new to this unwelcome private club. I even believe God uses my own (sometimes uncomfortable) experiences of being single to better understand or minister to them.
And while I don’t believe it ever should be a general assumption, often the availability of a single person is a bit more flexible than others and if used properly can be a real gift — one I am blessed to use when it is truly called for. On many occasions, I have been welcomed into homes for a meal or a Super Bowl party or a family game night simply because a single person can be easier to host than a whole family. Reaching out in these ways, and others, is how a congregation can affirm me (and other singles) as a meaningful part of the church.
My friend Katie, another single pastor, shared with me that one of the most thoughtful ways the congregation she serves honors her as a single person is by knowing the names of her parents, her brothers, her sisters-in-law and her nieces. Her congregation asks about her niece’s soccer game, when her parents will visit next, and delivers breakfast casseroles when she hosts for the holiday (because they know she doesn’t cook and they couldn’t care less).
They have welcomed her family and friends into their homes and swimming pools and basketball courts. And when her nieces visit her for the weekend, the members of the church will sit with them during worship while she is preaching. She says, “They intentionally recognize that I have a family just like they do, and they work hard to know them. And in so doing, the church ministers to me.”
Like the rest of us, I have no idea how my story will turn out. I am just going to live every day as fully as I’m able.
Lesson in Tanzania
One of the most profound and empowering moments of my life took place just outside a girl’s high school in Tanzania. I was talking to some very inquisitive young women just outside their high school classrooms. Among other things, they asked about my husband and kids and where I was from. When I told them I wasn’t married, they were dumbfounded. Generally speaking, that’s just not an option for them.
But those young women looked at me with the widest eyes and I swear I could see the thoughts whirling around in their heads. And it felt like a light bulb turned on just above their heads as they began to share things like, “I don’t want to just automatically get married”; “I want to go to school so I can be a teacher, or pilot, or doctor.”; “I want to wait until I’m older to have kids”; “I want to be in charge of my own life.” Those girls wanted to have choices. They wanted to make the decisions about their own lives. And I was there to witness the very moment when they realized that.
That, too, was sacred ground.
Now, let me be clear. In absolutely no way do I begrudge those of you who have families to care for and live with. I think it’s beautiful and I have no idea how you do it all. I visited our youth pastor and her one-day old baby boy in the hospital earlier today, and I left with tears in my eyes thinking about the sweetness of their dear and now complete family.
Ruth Haley Barton says in her book Embracing Rhythms of Work and Rest that “one of the blessings of sabbath practice is that it serves to affirm … the single person as a complete human being — without need for definition by virtue of some familial or marital relationship. … For single people, then, there is a need to cherish our own sense of being — as full, beautiful images of the divine. We should not … see ourselves as somehow incomplete because we do not have a marital partner.”
Indeed, may it be so. May each of us learn to cherish our own sense of being based simply on the fact that each of us has indeed been created in the image of God the Creator.
Eli Withers serves as associate pastor of Harrisonburg Baptist Church in the Shenandoah Valley region of Virginia. She enjoys watching movies, reading books, playing with art and being outside – especially wherever there are wildflowers.