DALLAS (ABP) — Worshippers hear them speak each Sunday, and a steady stream of people visit them each week. But for many pastors, ministry makes a lonely life.
Though they often relate well to large groups of people on many different levels, ministers nationwide have reported difficulty in forming authentic personal relationships. And that feeling of solitude takes its toll, experts say, sometimes to the detriment of those involved.
Dave Odom, the president of the Center for Congregational Health in Winston-Salem, N.C., said the issue of isolation is the most common experience of clergy across all denominations. In Baptist life, he added, clergy have always faced isolation, and even more so in recent years.
Odom works as a consultant for the Initiative for Ministerial Excellence, a Cooperative Baptist Fellowship initiative funded by the Lilly Endowment. The program, aimed at supporting pastors, Odom said, employs the best tactic to avoid isolation: prevention.
In order to grow as a pastor, Odom added, it helps to understand why some of them end up isolated.
“From a lay person's perspective, it's probably the most difficult question to answer because people need their pastor to be their pastor,” Odom said. “And though pastors think of [the relationship] in a very warm way, it's not a two-way relationship like what you'd have between two close friends.”
The clergy-parishioner bond is powerful, Odom said, but pastors can't reciprocate when congregants confess sin or complain about other church members. And that causes a barrier that leads to emotional distance and isolation.
Pastors can also feel pressured to present an image of perfection in order to better represent the church or the gospel, though no one can fulfill that ideal. That's when the problems start, Odom said.
“You're very close to people, but there's a part of you that you can't share with them,” Odom said.
And while many ministers offer friendly smiles and conversation on Sundays, they must build emotional walls behind their outgoing gestures. James Kinman, the pastor of Central Baptist Church in Kirbyville, Texas, knows the feeling.
“I think our biggest fear as pastors is sharing who we are and expressing where we are,” Kinman said.
A similar feeling hinders relationships with other ministers as well, since talking about difficulty is viewed as a sign of weakness. Pastors also worry about political, theological and relational issues that may arise with their colleagues.
Plus, some pastors have been burned by people they trusted, and they are loath to let it happen again. Pair that with a 60-hour work week, and it can create significant loneliness, said Paul Kenley, pastor of Grace Fellowship in Lampasas, Texas.
“It's probably one of the most unaddressed and devastating problems pastors have, and they don't even address it,” he said. “It's kind of like the elephant in the room. They can all see it, but no one wants to acknowledge it. It's an indication of weakness to do so.”
That said, ministers need to take the initiative to find one another, Odom said. His job involves facilitating a “magnate system” that connects busy pastors who may not have the time to look for or create their own support group.
“It's amazing that when I ask pastors to be a part of the group, they almost always will say ‘Yes, I need this, and my colleagues need this,'” Odom said. “These are very busy people, and they don't know where to look. It takes time to build those kinds of networks.”
Josue Valerio, who works with the Baptist General Convention of Texas, said peer groups have been helpful for his pastors — some of them even spend time together outside the structured group meetings. He said the key to making the groups work is a determination to rise above differences.
“The people have to be willing to make a commitment,” Valerio said. “You have to put politics aside. You have to have to put a program or agenda aside. You have to focus on relationships.”
Kinman believes the solution to the problem ultimately lies with each pastor. Though he admitted to feeling isolated as a pastor in the past, he now meets with a group of about 30 men from his church once a week and shares openly with them as they share with him.
That kind of openness has paid off, Kinman said. The men pray for each other. They spend time together away from church. They are friends with the pastor, and it's making a difference in the church.
“I believe the Lord is working in that to create a greater ministry through the pastor and the men for this whole community,” he said.
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