Baptist News Global
Sections
  • News
  • Analysis
  • Opinion
  • Curated
  • Storytelling
    • Faith & Justice >
      • Charleston: Metanoia with Bill Stanfield
      • Charlotte: QC Family Tree with Greg and Helms Jarrell
      • Little Rock: Judge Wendell Griffen
      • North Carolina: Conetoe
    • Welcoming the Stranger >
      • Lost Boys of Sudan: St. John’s Baptist Charlotte
      • Awakening to Immigrant Justice: Myers Park Baptist Church
      • Hospitality on the corner: Gaston Christian Center
    • Signature Ministries >
      • Jake Hall: Gospel Gothic, Music and Radio
    • Singing Our Faith >
      • Hymns for a Lifetime: Ken Wilson and Knollwood Baptist Church
      • Norfolk Street Choir
    • Resilient Rural America >
      • Alabama: Perry County
      • Texas: Hidalgo County
      • Arkansas Delta
      • Southeast Kentucky
  • More
    • Contact
    • About
    • Donate
    • Associated Baptist Press Foundation
    • Planned Giving
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Advertising
    • Ministry Jobs and More
    • Transitions
    • Subscribe
    • Submissions and Permissions
Donate Subscribe
Search Search this site

Reclaiming joy in widowhood: a conversation with author Ella Prichard

NewsNorman Jameson  |  September 24, 2018

Photo courtesy of Ella Prichard

Ella Prichard lived comfortably as the wife of a successful businessman well regarded in Texas oil industry circles. She did the “Ella work” of nonprofit volunteering, child rearing, grandmothering and maintaining the family’s social network. Her husband, Lev, did the “Lev work” of running the business that maintained their lifestyle.

In 2009 Lev died after an illness and it fell to Ella, then 68, to do both her job and Lev’s. The overwhelming weight of it truncated her grieving process and threatened to suffocate her. Nine years after Lev’s death, Ella has written a book to help new widows transition from that suffocating sorrow to reclaimed joy.

Reclaiming Joy: a primer for widows was released Sept. 15 by Baylor University’s 1845 Press. Prichard talked with Baptist News Global about grief, the process of recovery and her return to joy. Portions of the interview have been edited for brevity and clarity.

BNG: You say widows aren’t “given time to grieve.” How is that so, even in faith communities?

For friends, the funeral comes and goes and brings closure. They assume it brings closure for the family, too, and it’s over. I probably felt the same way. I don’t think I showed my mother nearly the sympathy and empathy that I needed to when my daddy died. Christian ethicist David Gushee talks of death not as an event, but as a condition. The loss of a spouse, and probably the loss of a child, are conditions, not events. For everybody else, there’s a death and a funeral; everybody pays homage and there’s closure. But if the person who has died is the one you’ve seen first thing in the morning and last thing at night for 46 years, then your life changes forever.

“You discover you’ve lost your identity. Who am I if I’m not half of a couple?”

Helen Harris, a grief expert at the Diana Garland School of Social Work at Baylor University, said two things affected the American way of grieving. The first was the JFK funeral – the first televised funeral – in which we saw Jackie Kennedy be so strong. That image set a mold of what you’re supposed to be like. But, nobody saw her crying at night in the White House, or the children asking “Where is daddy?” It was probably healthy to see John McCain’s daughter break down and to see Cindy McCain shed some tears. It’s OK to cry.

Sometimes the church keeps people from processing their grief adequately. We’re told, “Oh they’ve gone to heaven and they’re well again and they’re in the presence of God” and therefore we’re supposed to be celebrating. Somehow, you’re lacking in faith if you’re grieving.

Paul wrote in Thessalonians, “Do not grieve as others do who have no hope.” He didn’t say do not grieve. I think all of these “celebrations of life” are just trying to disguise (he pain of grief.

BNG: It might surprise some to hear you talk about the new freedom you felt, once you got past the immediate sorrow of Lev’s death.  

I only recognized it in retrospect. A widower friend, who deeply grieved the passing of his wife, admitted he no longer had to do things he didn’t want to. No one made him wear a tie when he didn’t want to, or go to events he didn’t want to attend.  I don’t think the freedom eliminates the loss or the grief. My husband hated opera and ballet, so we never went. I have several friends who love opera and now I go to lots of opera.

What are the things you were once upon a time interested in, but got lost? It’s a time where you can go back to old forgotten hobbies or interests or develop new skills. You get brain cells going not by doing repetitive crossword puzzles and such, but by learning new skills. It can be rewarding. You can define who you want to be.

BNG: You write that it takes courage to move past the death of a spouse. How so?

Truly, it’s a challenge to get out of the bed in the morning. It’s a challenge to put one foot in front of you. It’s a challenge to go to the cemetery and pick out a grave stone. Who wants to do that? All of that takes courage. The courage of walking into church alone, of going to a party alone, or to a meeting alone; of going up to a table and asking if you can sit there. To travel alone.

It is a black hole you have forever. Everything you have to do for the first time after you are widowed or divorced is harder. If you’ve never pumped your own gas, for instance, then every time you pump gas you’re reminded. “Why isn’t he here to pump my gas? Why am I having to do this? I hate doing this.” I have friends who will go to a restaurant and get a to-go box and take it home and reheat it rather than eat alone.

The amount of courage it takes to walk into a room alone when you are newly single and you feel like everyone is looking at you and everybody’s feeling sorry for you – a lot of people can’t do it at all.

Admiral William McRaven wrote a book about what he learned as a Navy SEAL. Pay attention to the little things, he said, like making your bed. If a widow makes her bed, she’s less likely to crawl back in it and pull the covers over her head.

You build resilience by having the courage to do something. It takes courage to do things differently from the way your husband did them. Just to give yourself permission takes courage. Hang in there; it takes longer than you think.

BNG: Simple math says the majority of married women who reach age 78 will be widows. What advice would you give all married women, realizing that most will one day be widows?

There are 3 million widows above age 50 in Texas alone. There are almost a million new widows a year in the United States. The median age of widows is only 59.4 years. We think of widows being little old ladies. Many aren’t little old ladies when they become widows. They live a long time, and most do not remarry. Men typically remarry younger women. There’s not enough good men to go around. So most women do not remarry. The older widows I know want to avoid becoming a nurse or a purse.

Young widows don’t have a peer group. By the time you get my age, you know more widows than married women.

That’s one of the issues with “couples” classes in churches. Just that word “couples” is an uncomfortable word when you’re widowed and you’re reminded that you’re not a couple anymore. The same would hold true with divorced persons. When we talk about families and how to attract families, widows want to scream, “What about all those singles out there who need the church?”

BNG: How can churches be more attentive to newly widowed or divorced people?

People don’t think to say, “Let me come by and get you for church.” It’s awful sitting alone in the pew. The least you can do is say, “I will meet you in the lobby.”

“You build resilience by having the courage to do something. Just to give yourself permission takes courage.”

Sundays are the worst day of the week for most widows. If a church has both traditional and contemporary services, the traditional service is usually the early one. Two things happen: One, it makes already sad Sundays the longest day of the week. Two, when couples are going out to lunch together after church, and you go home to have a peanut butter sandwich, it’s just a day that reminds you you’re alone in a sea of couples and families.

In Baptist life, we count on adult Sunday school classes to minister to members in time of hospitalization or death. What happens to people who are not in Sunday school? Our world has changed and our organizational structure has not always kept up.

BNG: You say, “Nobody warned us that death was only the first loss.” What are losses that follow?

You discover you’ve lost your identity. Who am I if I’m not half of a couple? We always say, “I’m so-and-so’s wife, mother, etc.” So, who are we? I just hate it when I get a letter addressed to Ms. Ella Prichard. I’m Mrs. Lev Prichard until the day I die. It’s like they’re saying that 46 years was just a waste.

Plans and hopes and dreams you had are gone. Some people you thought you could trust prove no longer trustworthy. Friends who included you when you were half of a couple no longer include you. Usually there is some financial loss. Maybe you have to find a job for health insurance. That’s a shock if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom. Maybe you taught school 30 years ago, and now you have to go to work when you’re 55 or 60. Some people have to give up their homes, and that’s a dramatic loss. There may be the loss of family traditions because the empty chair is so obvious.

BNG: Talk about what you call “joyful anticipation,” as opposed to living with past memories.

When psychologists test people, anticipation is a stronger emotion than memory. I saw this when my mother was in the nursing home after dad died. If she knew my son was coming home for a visit, or her sisters were driving down from Louisiana, she was like a child waiting for the birthday party. It perked up her spirits to have something to anticipate.

We just need something to look forward to. If all we can do is look backwards, it too easily can grow sad, and life is over. That’s one of the things I’m specifically careful about at Christmas time. I call some people and get some things on the calendar, make some plans; otherwise, I’ll be miserable.

We love to give people surprise parties and we love to see people surprised and happy. But, don’t spring surprises on widows. Let them know far in advance so they have months with something to look forward to. And it gives all your friends something to anticipate. It’s a gift to others as well as yourself. Anticipation will get you past lots of hurdles. 

BNG: Your chapter on “Beware!” could be especially important. Who and what do widows need to watch out for? Are “religious” abusers most insidious?

The grieving widow who goes for counseling can easily be taken advantage of. Sometimes ministers and other people in the non-profit world play on their emotions and give them friendship and recognition in exchange for chasing their dollars. The older you are and the more money you have the greater likelihood of a lawsuit challenging your will that was changed late in life. If there are no children, there are more lawsuits than you would ever dream.

“Sundays are the worst day of the week for most widows.”

When an elderly widow of means leaves her estate, the family – especially if she changed her will when she was elderly – suspects something. I was shocked to see all the paraphernalia in my retired aunt’s house from one of the TV evangelists. Her house was practically a shrine. She was living very, very modestly, yet sending monthly checks to this man. It was just so obvious this was a very manipulative kind of fund raising.

BNG: You make the sobering statement that “Widowhood brought the reality that I was no longer the most important person in anyone else’s life.” Explain that comment.

It’s different with a young widow who has dependent children, but when your children are grown, with their own lives, you really could feel alone if you don’t make intentional steps otherwise. One of my adult grandchildren was going to join us for dinner but got a better offer from a friend and cancelled. I was not upset but his daddy was. I said, “You know, son, I’m not the most important person in your life.” He couldn’t deny it. I said, “Now that your boys are married, you’re not the most important person in their life anymore. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. That’s the way God intended it to be.”

It’s just vital if you want your children to have a relationship with each other, if you want your grandchildren to know each other and like each other after you’re gone, you have to lay a foundation for that. I didn’t know there was a job of matriarch, but there really is. There really are things that grandmother can do to promote and pass along family values.

BNG: You say generosity is a key to happiness. At the same time, it’s common for children to monitor, even subconsciously, mother’s expenditures, sometimes because they know that every dollar she gives away is a dollar less inheritance for them. How do you balance those potentially conflicting facts?

Everybody has a conflict of interest. The children have a conflict of interest, because the more you spend, the less they inherit. I’ve just seen it several times, when mother goes into assisted living, and when her mind begins to fail, they come up with some excuse to move her to a cheaper place.

Have no secrets. I’ve made sure that my children are fully informed of what I’m doing and what I want to do. I don’t want them saying, “Oh, this isn’t what mother meant and that’s just the lawyer putting in language that she didn’t understand.” That’s really hard to deal with, having your children know your business. But they need to know what you’re planning. All of my professional advisors and everything I read say the more communication and openness there is, the less likely there is to be dissention or lawsuits afterwards.

BNG: Is your book for widowers too?

Basically, no. Women and men handle grief so differently. Most men are less introspective. They’re not going to dwell on their feelings. Most men, even if they have good buddies, it’s at the gym, or fishing or talking about sports. How do you tell men how to build and nurture relationships? That’s why they’re often so terribly lonely and so much quicker to remarry than are women.

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • More
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Skype (Opens in new window)
Tags:death and dyingBooksGriefwidowsElla PrichardReclaiming Joy
More by
Norman Jameson
  • Get BNG headlines in your inbox

  • Featured

    • The state murder of Tyre Nichols

      Opinion

    • Armie Hammer links his sexual excesses as an adult to his abuse by a youth pastor when he was 13

      News

    • Three images to remember Tyre Nichols

      Opinion

    • U.N. World Harmony Week is only seven days but must last all year, speakers say

      News


    Curated

    • Via jokes, ChatGPT chooses which religious traditions and figures deserve respect — and therefore what counts as ‘religion’

      Via jokes, ChatGPT chooses which religious traditions and figures deserve respect — and therefore what counts as ‘religion’

    • A brief history of the Black church’s diversity, and its vital role in American political history

      A brief history of the Black church’s diversity, and its vital role in American political history

    • “Left Behind: Rise Of The Antichrist” Is The Latest Installment In The Apocalyptic Thriller Franchise. It’s Nothing More Than Evangelical Make-Believe

      “Left Behind: Rise Of The Antichrist” Is The Latest Installment In The Apocalyptic Thriller Franchise. It’s Nothing More Than Evangelical Make-Believe

    • Antisemitic flyers could spur action on proposed Georgia law

      Antisemitic flyers could spur action on proposed Georgia law

    Read Next:

    PC(USA) committee lambasted for choosing a ‘text of terror’ for ordination exam

    NewsMark Wingfield

    More Articles

    • All
    • News
    • Opinion
    • Curated
    • U.N. World Harmony Week is only seven days but must last all year, speakers say

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • The historical significance of ETBU acquiring B.H. Carroll Institute

      AnalysisMark Wingfield

    • Three images to remember Tyre Nichols

      OpinionJulia Goldie Day

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • The state murder of Tyre Nichols

      OpinionLisa Sharon Harper and David Gushee

    • Armie Hammer links his sexual excesses as an adult to his abuse by a youth pastor when he was 13

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • ‘I remember repeating to myself: “I have the right to be here.”’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Lyell asks Alabama court to dismiss Sills lawsuit for lack of jurisdiction

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • PC(USA) committee lambasted for choosing a ‘text of terror’ for ordination exam

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • BCMD executive director, also a NAMB vice president, resigns due to ‘moral failure’

      NewsMaina Mwaura

    • Title 42, congregations and the sojourner

      OpinionSean Powell

    • SBC Executive Committee member once again criticized for sexually crude social media posts

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • The truth about police brutality

      OpinionJames Ellis III

    • In Ukraine: ‘We cannot just preach like we did before the war’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • TikTok trends and three questions you and your church should ask this year about rest

      AnalysisLaura Ellis

    • Two churches ‘under inquiry’ by SBC Credentials Committee for platforming Johnny Hunt

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Biblical orthodoxy 2023: Sign or get ‘churched’

      OpinionBill Leonard, Senior Columnist

    • Zimbabwean pastors flee ministry to join more lucrative care work in the UK

      NewsRay Mwareya

    • Jesus and Buddha are talking with me about loving and blessing my enemies

      OpinionH. Stephen Shoemaker

    • Biden administration urged to remove Cuba from list of state sponsors of terrorism

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Why most everything you think you know about global migration is probably wrong

      AnalysisMark Wingfield

    • What did Pope Francis say, and what did he mean, in AP interview on homosexuality?

      AnalysisMallory Challis

    • Transitions for the week of 2-3-23

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • Letter to the Editor: Kudos all around for Baptist News Global

      OpinionLetters to the Editor

    • Letter to the Editor: Jesus expects us to follow him; Trump expects us to follow him

      OpinionLetters to the Editor

    • U.N. World Harmony Week is only seven days but must last all year, speakers say

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • Armie Hammer links his sexual excesses as an adult to his abuse by a youth pastor when he was 13

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • ‘I remember repeating to myself: “I have the right to be here.”’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Lyell asks Alabama court to dismiss Sills lawsuit for lack of jurisdiction

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • PC(USA) committee lambasted for choosing a ‘text of terror’ for ordination exam

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • BCMD executive director, also a NAMB vice president, resigns due to ‘moral failure’

      NewsMaina Mwaura

    • SBC Executive Committee member once again criticized for sexually crude social media posts

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • In Ukraine: ‘We cannot just preach like we did before the war’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Two churches ‘under inquiry’ by SBC Credentials Committee for platforming Johnny Hunt

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Zimbabwean pastors flee ministry to join more lucrative care work in the UK

      NewsRay Mwareya

    • Biden administration urged to remove Cuba from list of state sponsors of terrorism

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Transitions for the week of 2-3-23

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • ‘Can you imagine looting the religious artifacts that help strengthen the Christian faith from the Vatican?’

      NewsAnthony Akaeze

    • Panelists discuss how the Hamline University controversy could have been handled better in a diverse culture

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Pope Francis arrives in Africa on a two-nation tour seeking peace amid decades of conflict

      NewsAnthony Akaeze

    • Museum of the Bible to host Wednesday morning event to pray for God’s judgment on America, and breakfast is not included

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • National Prayer Breakfast gets new sponsorship but still looks like government-sponsored religion, BJC leaders say

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • Zimbabwe Theological Seminary names new principal

      NewsBNG staff

    • What happens when church and state merge? Look to Nazi Germany for answers

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Southwestern Seminary student arrested for alleged ‘felony sexual assault’

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Trial date set for Patterson and Southwestern versus Jane Roe

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Faith groups must fight online hate, Interfaith Alliance urges

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Colorado cake maker back in court, this time for refusing service to a transgender woman

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Three images to remember Tyre Nichols

      OpinionJulia Goldie Day

    • The state murder of Tyre Nichols

      OpinionLisa Sharon Harper and David Gushee

    • Title 42, congregations and the sojourner

      OpinionSean Powell

    • The truth about police brutality

      OpinionJames Ellis III

    • Biblical orthodoxy 2023: Sign or get ‘churched’

      OpinionBill Leonard, Senior Columnist

    • Jesus and Buddha are talking with me about loving and blessing my enemies

      OpinionH. Stephen Shoemaker

    • Letter to the Editor: Kudos all around for Baptist News Global

      OpinionLetters to the Editor

    • Letter to the Editor: Jesus expects us to follow him; Trump expects us to follow him

      OpinionLetters to the Editor

    • Humor and hope mark the dark journey taken by a creative and brave photojournalist

      OpinionKathy Manis Findley

    • One year of sobriety

      OpinionGlen Schmucker

    • Men’s ministry needs more than, eggs, bacon and football

      OpinionMaina Mwaura

    • The church must show the world a more excellent way of nonviolence

      OpinionRodney Kennedy

    • Church historian Richard Hughes reflects on a lifetime of ‘Troublesome Questions’

      OpinionTed Parks

    • What churches could learn from the Pub Choir phenomenon

      OpinionMike Frost

    • Living into lament: A white response to the killing of Tyre Nichols by police

      OpinionRobert P. Jones

    • Of church cemeteries, pulpit committees, crafts and sweet potato casserole

      OpinionChris Ayers

    • Of Margie, mountains and ‘El Shaddai’

      OpinionBert Montgomery

    • What I learned from meeting Martin Luther King in Louisville and Josie in Hopkinsville

      OpinionBill Thurman

    • On the baptism of our firstborn

      OpinionEmily Hull McGee

    • Has virtual worship actually harmed Christianity?

      OpinionSara Robb-Scott

    • ‘What can we forgive?’: An interview with Matthew Ichihashi Potts on Forgiveness

      OpinionGreg Garrett, Senior Columnist

    • My father’s faith

      OpinionBrett Younger

    • The apology that never came at Bubba-Doo’s

      OpinionCharles Qualls

    • Trump and his allegedly disloyal white evangelical supporters

      OpinionRobert P. Jones

    • Doom-scrolling, sourdough starter and three kinds of kin

      OpinionJustin Cox

    • Via jokes, ChatGPT chooses which religious traditions and figures deserve respect — and therefore what counts as ‘religion’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • A brief history of the Black church’s diversity, and its vital role in American political history

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • “Left Behind: Rise Of The Antichrist” Is The Latest Installment In The Apocalyptic Thriller Franchise. It’s Nothing More Than Evangelical Make-Believe

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Antisemitic flyers could spur action on proposed Georgia law

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • A brief history of the Black church’s diversity, and its vital role in American political history

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • New effort surveys Sikh students about bullying and school climate in the US

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Civil rights legislation sparked powerful backlash that’s still shaping American politics

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Church of England submits blessings for same-sex couples to fierce debate in Synod

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • GOP Rep. Who Spoke At Pro-Hitler Event Goes After Ilhan Omar Because Of ‘Anti-Semitism’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Psychedelic churches in US pushing boundaries of religion

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Prominent Jewish leaders add to drumbeat of criticism of Israel’s new government

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • At Tyre Nichols’ funeral, VP Harris and Sharpton among those praying and promising reform

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Marvin Olasky Still Wants to Make Journalism Biblically Objective

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Progressive National Baptists to deploy $1 million grant to boost ‘compelling preaching’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Church of England sheds light on ‘shameful’ slave trade ties

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Chinese Christians remain in Thailand fearing deportation

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Black police officers aren’t colorblind – they’re infected by the same anti-Black bias as American society and police in general

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Ohio is investigating a Nazi homeschooling network that teaches children to love Hitler

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Omar says some Republicans don’t want a Muslim in Congress: ‘These people are OK with Islamophobia’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Tyre Nichols police beating video prompts faith leaders to react with grief, goals

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • How Egyptian police hunt LGBT people on dating apps

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • N. Carolina church says it lost nearly $800K in email scam

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • On A Mission To Fill Empty Pulpits: A Couple Addressing The Preacher Shortage

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Second gentleman Emhoff visits Auschwitz, part of a push against antisemitism

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • A Buddhist disaster relief organization offers key support after Monterey Park shooting

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    Conversations that Matter.

    © 2023 Baptist News Global. All rights reserved.

    Want to share a story? We hope you will! Read our republishing, terms of use and privacy policies here.

    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Instagram
    • LinkedIn
    • RSS