Parents can support the emotional and physical well-being of LGBTQ children by accepting the language and concepts they use to express their emerging gender identities, according to Hannah Edwards.
Edwards — executive director of Transforming Families, a Minnesota-based, peer-led support group for trans and nonbinary youth, their parents and caregivers — spoke during an April 18 webinar hosted by the Association of Welcoming and Affirming Baptists.
Hannah Edwards
“Believe your child, follow their lead and don’t worry about the future 10 years down the road,” she said. “Worry about taking the steps now to affirm and secure your child’s sense of self.”
Her presentation offered a primer on key gender identity concepts before venturing into guidance for parents in a society increasingly hostile to LGBTQ people.
“We felt it was important to address matters that come close to home for parents of transgender and nonbinary children and youth,” AWAB Executive Director Brian Henderson said. “In some ways, it would be wonderful if topics such as tonight’s were not even needed. But as we all know, they are.”
As the mother of a transgender daughter, Edwards said she shares in the difficulties families face navigating a trans or nonbinary child’s physical and emotional hurdles in addition to the abuses frequently endured in school, church and other social settings.
Being an effective ally for their children requires a working knowledge of the terminology that frames the lives of transgender and nonbinary people.
For example, “sex assigned at birth” is a universal status that includes physical attributes and appearance determined by physical characteristics and hormonal attributes, while “sexual or romantic orientation” describes a person’s attraction to the gender expression of others, Edwards said.
“‘Gender identity’ … is how you know yourself to be a man, a woman, maybe a mix of both, something in between or no gender at all,” Edwards said. “‘Gender expression’ is your behavior, your mannerisms, your interests, maybe your appearance.”
“Cisgender,” she continued, refers to a person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. “I was assigned female at birth. I still know myself to be female. That’s still my gender identity, so I am a cisgender woman. ‘Transgender’ is a term for people whose gender identity is different from that sex that they were assigned at birth. So, who they know themselves to be is not the same as what they were assigned at birth.”
“When you have someone who is self-identifying and letting you know, … listen carefully, reflect their language and do your very best to be affirming and supportive.”
“Nonbinary” people are those who may identify as both male and female, somewhere in between or something else altogether, she added.
“Transition” is the process a person undergoes to recognize and accept their gender identity, often in ways others can see. “That could be a social transition, which just means changes to appearance, name, pronouns, maybe a haircut or your presentation.”
Parents and family must avoid calling out a trans or nonbinary child when their self-understanding shifts or seems contradictory, she said. “When you have someone who is self-identifying and letting you know, coming out to you or asking for support, you are going to want to just listen carefully, reflect their language and to do your very best to be affirming and supportive.”
Failure to use a trans or nonbinary child’s preferred name and pronouns can induce trauma and stress for the youth and family. “It conveys to them that you don’t see them for who they are, and you just really want to avoid it as much as possible. If you make a mistake, you correct yourself and move on. If they correct you, instead of apologizing profusely, go ahead and say, ‘Thank you, I’m glad you trust me enough to correct me,’ and then move on.”
The child should be consulted about the guidance and support they want from parents, she continued. “It’s about showing up how they want you to show up. Make sure you’re educating yourself and those in your family circle, in your faith community, in your work community, about the importance of supporting your child. That way you’re going to run into fewer issues later.”
Conducting their own research will help parents better grasp the emotional and sometimes lifesaving benefits their support provides trans and nonbinary children and youth, Edwards said.
One place to start is with a report by The Trevor Project, a nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and questioning youth. “They found that forcing trans and nonbinary kids and people to fit within the roles of the sex assigned at birth is what causes the pain. It’s not being trans or nonbinary that causes the pain.”
According to the Trevor Project study, 45% of LGBTQ youth “seriously considered” suicide within the preceding 12 months, and less than a third of nonbinary and transgender youth described their homelife to be gender-affirming. But it also found LGBTQ youth with strong family support attempted suicide at less than half the rate of those whose support was low or moderate.
“It’s not being trans or nonbinary that causes the pain.”
“What we know is that when we do support our trans and nonbinary children, give them access to care, affirm their identities and validate them for who they say they are, the suicidal ideation and attempts are reversed,” Edwards said.
Advocacy becomes more urgent as political attacks on the nation’s LGBTQ community continue through bans on transgender health care and efforts to criminalize gender-based education and identity in public schools, she added.
Even those who do not have transgender or nonbinary children are needed in the struggle, Edwards said. “Sometimes that’s writing to your lawmakers. A lot of things are being decided at local school boards, so if you have an opinion, please show up and make it heard. Sometimes it can be lonely as the trans person or the parent of a trans person to feel like you’re the only ones constantly fighting this battle. It would be great to have more allies on board.”
And don’t hesitate to be the person who interrupts and corrects those sharing misinformation about LGBTQ people online, in coffee shops or in conversations with friends, she said. “Visible signs of support are extra important. Hang up your rainbow flag, put it in your front yard during pride season, even if you’re not part of the LGBTQ community. Show that you’re an ally, visibly. Put your pronouns on your email signature and on your Zoom.”
Religious people are needed to counter the false narrative that the opponents of trans rights have a monopoly on religious values, Edwards said. “It’s even more powerful for people of faith to show up saying, ‘I love and support trans, nonbinary, LGBTQ youth and people.”