By David Wilkinson
What’s the proper way to eat an animal cracker?
According to the book Panati’s Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things, the most popular order of dismemberment among children is as follows: back legs, forelegs, head and, lastly, torso.
Exactly. I thought children of all ages knew that (with some allowance for forelegs-first eaters).
Biting the head off first? Clearly, if you confess to such an abomination, you have deep-seated issues that need to be addressed. As for eating the entire animal cracker in one bite, did your mother not teach you anything? That’s a slap in the face to true animal-cracker lovers everywhere, as all true animal-cracker lovers everywhere know. Although I hope never to witness such a travesty, I’ve heard rumors of monsters out there who will actually devour two or even three animal crackers at a time.
Same for candy corn. To begin with, it can only be Brach’s candy corn. (I’m sorry, I know that’s a product endorsement, but those cheap knock-off brands are either too waxy or too sugary. My frugal mom, always looking for a bargain, tried to slip in a cheap substitute a few times at Halloween, but we kids set her straight.) Quality candy corn or not, only a Neanderthal would carelessly devour an entire piece — or, heaven forbid, a handful — in a single bite.
As for the proper order for enjoying the pleasure of a piece of candy corn, I’ve learned through the years to accept people who take different approaches. For me, the proper sequence is obvious: first, the small white tip, followed by the large orange middle section, and, finally, the yellow top. I prefer structure and order, and that just seems to be the natural order of things in the candy-corn universe. Still, I know some people prefer a different order, and I can respect that. I even have a few friends who love chaos in their lives whose sequence changes from piece to piece. That’s a stretch for me, but I’m trying to be more open-minded.
And Oreo cookies? Don’t even get me started.
That’s all in good fun, of course. But it does cause me to wonder. What if, from God’s perspective, some of the things that divide us as God’s children are tantamount to debates over the proper way to eat an animal cracker or a piece of candy corn?
Maybe we should create a list to post on our bulletin board or refrigerator door with the heading: “The Proper Way to Eat an Animal Cracker.” The list might start with the latest argument with your spouse that in retrospect was silly and trivial. Or a phone conversation with your mother that quickly fell into old patterns of pushing each other’s buttons.
Or a discussion-board thread that devolved into generalizations and name calling. Or a debate at a deacons’ meeting or a church-council session that, when you later stepped back and thought about it, had very little to do with the Kingdom of God.
You get the idea.