By David Gushee
As I write this column, Jeanie and I are preparing to gather with a half-dozen young couples at church to begin a marriage class. For six weeks we will meet together to discuss ways that these nearly- and newlyweds can strengthen their marriages at their earliest stage.
Helping couples build lasting and happy Christian marriages is clearly an appropriate and significant task of the local church. There can be no controversy about this work as there is in so much else that the church says and does. Here the church pastors her sheep, guiding them in the way they should go. With the Spirit’s help, and on the basis of sound biblical principles and empirical data, the church can make a concrete difference in the lives of couples — and the children (and the churches, and the society) whose well-being depends on them.
Reviewing some of the literature about marriage over these last few weeks has offered a reminder of the paradoxical simplicity and complexity of marriage.
At one level, it seems relatively simple to find one person you love, to decide to make a life together, and then to do so until death comes. Certainly, most of us seek the formation of such a relationship at one time or another in our lives. But managing the human-relations challenge of sustaining such a bond happily over a lifetime appears beyond the abilities of a majority of people in our time. Trying to understand why that seems to be the case is one entry point into the complexity of marriage.
How the institution of marriage is understood is one of our best windows into the character of a community, a church or a society. Contemporary American marriage is an uneasy mosaic containing ancient, modern, and even postmodern fragments.
We are a half-religious society, so many Americans still see marriage as a religious institution and draw some (often attenuated) understanding of their marital obligations from religious values. We are a romantic society, much attracted to dreams of “happily ever after,” so most couples enter marriage placing high value on romantic love. We are a sexualized society, so sexual satisfaction is at the forefront of our attention in marriage. We are an individualistic society, so marriage among us lacks the sturdiness created by earlier understandings of covenant obligations. We are an egalitarian society — dependent for the most part on two wage earners in each household– so marriage requires the juggling of the dreams and responsibilities of two busy-and-stressed strivers. We are a consumer society now facing economic crisis, so marriages are often shadowed by profound financial pressures.
The church often teaches marriage classes based on relationship books written by psychologists and counselors. These assume — and often do not comment on — the social and historical realities I just outlined. They seek to teach couples how to become adept at the communication, conflict-resolution, financial-management, sexual, romantic and parenting challenges that face every marriage. They usually warn spouses that failure to become skilled at handling these challenges can lead to marital dissatisfaction and often to divorce. They don’t say that many of these kinds of expectations for marriage are relatively new, and that they test the relational and interpersonal abilities of many people beyond their capacities — for we are all in various ways flawed, limited and damaged.
Jeanie and I will attempt to offer a blend of ancient and modern perspectives. We will call couples back to at least one version of a biblical theology of marriage, which I usually summarize in the categories of creation, covenant, community and kingdom. We were made by God as creatures needing to give and receive love. In covenant, we bind ourselves before God to live with one other person for the whole of our lives.
This forms a new community of two-become-one — and eventually two-become-one-become-three, and often four, and five, as children flow from and into this community (the health and well-being of which affect the entire society). Christian families finally must come to understand that they do not exist for themselves, but for others and especially for God’s reign. We are kingdom people, and our marriages must be oriented to God’s kingdom and not just our own joy.
Maximizing such joy does require a growing skill in all kinds of practical areas outlined in marriage books. These skills must be taught in marriage classes — but always under the horizon of a richly biblical understanding of God’s intent for marriage, such as covenant permanence, so that our marriages are not constantly shadowed by the fear of failure and abandonment.
How do we protect what is often called the “sanctity of marriage?” One couple at a time, in the local church.