Baptist News Global
Sections
  • News
  • Analysis
  • Opinion
  • Curated
  • Storytelling
    • Faith & Justice >
      • Charleston: Metanoia with Bill Stanfield
      • Charlotte: QC Family Tree with Greg and Helms Jarrell
      • Little Rock: Judge Wendell Griffen
      • North Carolina: Conetoe
    • Welcoming the Stranger >
      • Lost Boys of Sudan: St. John’s Baptist Charlotte
      • Awakening to Immigrant Justice: Myers Park Baptist Church
      • Hospitality on the corner: Gaston Christian Center
    • Signature Ministries >
      • Jake Hall: Gospel Gothic, Music and Radio
    • Singing Our Faith >
      • Hymns for a Lifetime: Ken Wilson and Knollwood Baptist Church
      • Norfolk Street Choir
    • Resilient Rural America >
      • Alabama: Perry County
      • Texas: Hidalgo County
      • Arkansas Delta
      • Southeast Kentucky
  • More
    • Contact
    • About
    • Donate
    • Planned Giving
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Advertising
    • Ministry Jobs and More
    • Transitions
    • Subscribe
    • Submissions and Permissions
Donate Subscribe
Search Search this site
Featured
Featured

To help someone grieving at the holidays, avoid platitudes, experts say

NewsJeff Brumley  |  December 8, 2016

The holidays are especially hard on those mourning the loss of loved ones and friends.

And that suffering is often made worse by well-meaning-but-nervous friends who don’t know what to say — or not say — to those who are grieving.

Stacy Sergent

Stacy Sergent

“A lot of people worry about the right thing to say, when really there is no right thing,” said Stacy Sergent, a Baptist minister and staff chaplain at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston.

“But there are plenty of worst things that can be said,” she added.

Probably the worst are platitudes.

Like, “Don’t cry. Everything’s OK.”

Or, “God is in control.”

One of the worst is “everything happens for a reason.”

These and similar comments may lead someone to feel embarrassment and shame, which can lead to depression and physical health consequences for the person grieving, Sergent said.

“Platitudes really stifle grief and that’s not a healthy thing. One of the worst things you can do is tell someone not to feel what they’re feeling.”

(Photo/Public Domain)

(Photo/Public Domain)

That’s because the grieving process is connected to a person’s physical, emotional and even spiritual makeup, said bereavement expert Helen Harris, an assistant professor in the Diana R. Garland School of Social Work at Baylor University.

Grief must be taken seriously and allowed to play out in a person’s life. It impacts different people in different ways — some of which are more widely known, others that are not.

Most people are aware of the sadness, loneliness, disbelief and anger that accompany grief. But Harris said there are additional ways grief can be experienced.

‘Just be there for them’

“It affects every domain in our lives,” she said.

Helen Harris Baylor

Helen Harris Baylor

Cognitive impacts may include diminished attention spans and an inability to concentrate. Social lives also are disrupted.

“If my spouse dies, now I don’t fit into my couples Sunday school group, or maybe we played bingo or were in a dance club,” Harris said.

Grieving children can be especially hard hit, socially, because few if any of their peers have experienced grief, she said.

Grief-induced stress also weakens immune systems, making sufferers more vulnerable to cold and flu viruses and other ailments.

The spiritual impacts are also serious.

“We wonder why a God who loves us let this happen to us or to our loved one,” Harris said. “We may struggle with how to make sense or meaning out of the loss.”

All of that can be true for uncomplicated experiences of grief, namely those in which healthy relationships existed with the person who died. Complicated situations, in which the death was sudden or violent, or were preceded by family conflicts, can add more layers to the grieving process, Harris said.

No timelines can be given to the duration of grieving, which is often heightened at the holidays, Harris said.

“That is absolutely true.”

(Photo/Public Domain

(Photo/Public Domain

Waves of grief can be expected not only at Thanksgiving and Christmas but at other milestones, such as birthdays, the birth of children and grandchildren, the weddings of surviving children and other events.

“Give people permission to acknowledge that they are grieving and that that doesn’t make you a bad Christian or a weak person to wish things were different,” Harris said.

For those looking on and feeling helpless, it’s best to communicate quietly an availability to listen if desired, Sergent said.

They may want to be alone or they may want to tell stories about the one they lost, she added. In those cases, just let them talk.

“Just be there for them.”

Tags:Baylor UniversityGriefgrievingmourningDiana R. Garland School of Social WorkStaci SergentMedical University of South CarolinaHelen Harrisbereavement
More by
Jeff Brumley
Read Next:

Maybe seminaries should offer a class in mergers and acquisitions

AnalysisMark Wingfield

More Articles

  • All
  • News
  • Opinion
  • Curated
  • The French Dreyfus Affair and Trump’s Big Lie

    OpinionDavid Gushee, Senior Columnist

  • Women of childbearing age are least likely to see strict abortion laws as best deterrent against abortion

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Independence Day: Not to celebrate but to reflect

    OpinionKathy Manis Findley

  • U.S. State Department calls out Russia, China, Afghanistan, Myanmar for extreme religious freedom abuses

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Two viruses threaten the life of the Southern Baptist Convention: Male hierarchy and dominion theology

    AnalysisEllis Orozco

  • Progress on sexual abuse in the SBC? Not so fast

    OpinionDavid Clohessy and Christa Brown

  • Pranoto, Shaw, Smith and Younger join BNG board of directors

    NewsBNG staff

  • Uyghur American elected chairman of U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • When a Mexican cartel kidnapped a Baptist pastor, they got more than they bargained for

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • The Black community needs allies who listen and act, scholar says

    NewsPat Cole

  • Maybe seminaries should offer a class in mergers and acquisitions

    AnalysisMark Wingfield

  • Reflections on my mother’s funeral: The heart has reasons

    OpinionDavid Ramsey

  • Georgia Baptists hit snag on sale of 16-year-old headquarters property in suburban Atlanta

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • When ‘orthodoxy’ won’t hold: The SBC and the rest of us

    OpinionBill Leonard, Senior Columnist

  • At Faith and Freedom conference, evangelical Christian voters once again abandon their concern for marital fidelity

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Annual report on Baptist women in ministry finds some gains but serious losses due to COVID

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Seven suggestions for preventing conflict before it happens

    OpinionBill Wilson

  • Church-state separationists join Justice Sotomayor in blasting the Supreme Court’s ruling in a Maine school voucher case

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • The gospel according to mammals

    OpinionTyler Tankersley

  • Conservative clergywoman claims United Methodist system unjust

    NewsCynthia Astle

  • How God used Jay Bakker to teach me about race and loving all people

    OpinionMaina Mwaura

  • In Africa, inflation and a food crisis threaten not just the economy but people’s lives

    NewsAnthony Akaeze

  • When a teenager gets kicked to the curb by Christian parents

    OpinionDan McGee and Linda Francis Cross

  • American support for abortion rights at highest level since 1995, Gallup says

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Ministry jobs and more

    NewsBarbara Francis

  • Women of childbearing age are least likely to see strict abortion laws as best deterrent against abortion

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • U.S. State Department calls out Russia, China, Afghanistan, Myanmar for extreme religious freedom abuses

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Pranoto, Shaw, Smith and Younger join BNG board of directors

    NewsBNG staff

  • Uyghur American elected chairman of U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • When a Mexican cartel kidnapped a Baptist pastor, they got more than they bargained for

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • The Black community needs allies who listen and act, scholar says

    NewsPat Cole

  • Georgia Baptists hit snag on sale of 16-year-old headquarters property in suburban Atlanta

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • At Faith and Freedom conference, evangelical Christian voters once again abandon their concern for marital fidelity

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Annual report on Baptist women in ministry finds some gains but serious losses due to COVID

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Church-state separationists join Justice Sotomayor in blasting the Supreme Court’s ruling in a Maine school voucher case

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Conservative clergywoman claims United Methodist system unjust

    NewsCynthia Astle

  • In Africa, inflation and a food crisis threaten not just the economy but people’s lives

    NewsAnthony Akaeze

  • American support for abortion rights at highest level since 1995, Gallup says

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Ministry jobs and more

    NewsBarbara Francis

  • New platform of Texas GOP is laced with Christian privilege

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Author explores contradiction of evangelical support for prison ministry and tough-on-crime laws at same time

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • One year later, awareness of Juneteenth is growing

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Churches in Russian-occupied sections of Ukraine face desperate conditions

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Transitions for the week of 6-17-22

    NewsBarbara Francis

  • Many voices call for prosecution of mob who lynched and burned Christian student in Nigeria

    NewsAnthony Akaeze

  • Religious Liberty Council elects two BJC board members

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • Still no external review of North American Mission Board finances

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Attempt to dismantle SBC Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission fails

    NewsMark Wingfield

  • Brian Foreman named CBF’s coordinator of congregational ministries

    NewsBNG staff

  • Most Americans hang out with people who are a lot like them

    NewsJeff Brumley

  • The French Dreyfus Affair and Trump’s Big Lie

    OpinionDavid Gushee, Senior Columnist

  • Independence Day: Not to celebrate but to reflect

    OpinionKathy Manis Findley

  • Progress on sexual abuse in the SBC? Not so fast

    OpinionDavid Clohessy and Christa Brown

  • Reflections on my mother’s funeral: The heart has reasons

    OpinionDavid Ramsey

  • When ‘orthodoxy’ won’t hold: The SBC and the rest of us

    OpinionBill Leonard, Senior Columnist

  • Seven suggestions for preventing conflict before it happens

    OpinionBill Wilson

  • The gospel according to mammals

    OpinionTyler Tankersley

  • How God used Jay Bakker to teach me about race and loving all people

    OpinionMaina Mwaura

  • When a teenager gets kicked to the curb by Christian parents

    OpinionDan McGee and Linda Francis Cross

  • Unzipped: How (not) to commute

    OpinionEric Minton

  • When it comes to leading corporate prayer, are we really all in this together?

    OpinionMark Wingfield

  • Is America racist at heart?

    OpinionEugene G. Akins III

  • Note to self: Get rid of resting jerkface

    OpinionErich Bridges

  • Don’t keep sweet: Why white Christians need to celebrate Juneteenth

    OpinionErica Whitaker

  • Letter to the Editor: The importance of establishing best practices for pastoral searches

    OpinionLetters to the Editor

  • Hymn Stories: ‘Will You Come and Follow Me’

    OpinionBeverly A. Howard

  • A Bubba-Doo’s regular loses a loved one

    OpinionCharles Qualls

  • The oxymoron of being both anti-abortion and pro-gun

    OpinionEarl Chappell

  • My trip to the seamy world of horseracing

    OpinionBrett Younger

  • In the news this weekend: This is what it means to take God’s name in vain

    OpinionErin Albin Hill

  • Sympathy does not defeat white supremacy

    OpinionWendell Griffen

  • What Kenobi has taught me about God

    OpinionRob Lee

  • Is ‘fascism’ the right name for the Trumpist hard right in America?

    OpinionDavid Gushee, Senior Columnist

  • God in three persons, blessed Trinity

    OpinionBarry Howard

  • Bill Self in 1984: ‘Babylonian Captivity of the Convention’

    OpinionBill Self

  • Pope orders online release of WWII-era Pius XII Jewish files

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Demolishing schools after a mass shooting reflects humans’ deep-rooted desire for purification rituals

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Has American conservatism abandoned the Christian right?

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • In Colorado, a GOP rarity: An abortion rights candidate

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • A church was ordered to rescind its gay deacon. Now it weighs its next step.

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Can the Church Still Enact Justice When a Pastor Sues His Accusers?

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Republican Lauren Boebert jokes about AR-15s and Jesus — and yes, she’s a ‘real’ Christian

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • This World Refugee Day, rising white nationalism meets the largest refugee population in history — which is no coincidence

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • How evangelical Christians are sizing up the 2024 GOP race for president

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Abortion bill, confederate holiday removal signed by Edwards

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Buddhist leader in Bhutan fully ordains 144 women, resuming ancient tradition

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Banning Nancy Pelosi from Communion May Have Backfired

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • How Franklin Graham pushed a domestic abuse victim to return to her husband

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Poor People’s Campaign holds major DC rally to combat poverty

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • An Elite Christian College Has Become The Latest Battleground In America’s Culture Wars

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Wiccan celebration of summer solstice is a reminder that change, as expressed in nature, is inevitable

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Camino pilgrims help rural Spain’s emptying villages survive

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • What Antisemitism Looks Like When It Is Carved into Church

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Humanist chaplains guide nonreligious students on quest for meaning

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • On Juneteenth, Jewish communities are reckoning with their own attitudes on race

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • UK sanctions Russian Orthodox head; decries forced adoption

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • California again seeks to pass human composting bill as Catholic bishops oppose it

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Boise police can’t charge pastor who said LGBTQ people are ‘worthy of death’

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Ukrainian archbishop pushes against papal statements, says causes of war ‘lie within Russia itself’

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

  • Bishop punishes school over Black Lives Matter, Pride flags

    Curated

    Exclude from home pageBNG staff

Conversations that Matter.

© 2022 Baptist News Global. All rights reserved.

Want to share a story? We hope you will! Read our republishing, terms of use and privacy policies here.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • RSS