The sad songs that are popular at Christmas are not sad enough. Sinatra’s Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas pretends to be sad, but Frank promises that “next year all our troubles will be miles away,” and Frank usually got what he wanted.
Darlene Love’s Christmas, Baby Please Come Home is supposed to be heartbreaking, but it is way too much fun to sing.
In Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas Is You, the Queen of Christmas comes across as pretty sure she is getting what she wants for Christmas.
Sometimes we need a song that’s not so cheery, so I have a new favorite Christmas song, and soon you will, too. In 1996, Paul Kelly was asked to contribute a Christmas song to a charity album. The Australian songwriter did not go the traditional route. His Christmas song, How to Make Gravy, doesn’t have a chorus and is set in prison.
“His Christmas song doesn’t have a chorus and is set in prison.”
Here’s how it goes: On Dec. 21, Joe, who’s just gone to prison, sends a tear-jerking letter to his brother telling Dan how much he’s going to miss the family’s Christmas celebration. Joe tries to be hopeful: “If I get good behavior, I’ll be out of here by July.”
He asks Dan to “kiss my kids on Christmas Day. Please don’t let ’em cry for me.” He wants them to remember who he is but not what he did. This is the point in the song where anyone who has a heart starts to tear up.
Joe pictures the family gathering, “The brothers are driving down from Queensland. Stella’s flying in from the coast.” They don’t have white Christmases in Australia. “It’s gonna be a hundred degrees, maybe even more,” but they’ll cook a roast anyway, because that’s what they do at Christmas.
Joe worries that no one will know how to make the gravy, so he includes directions: “Just add flour, salt, a little red wine. And don’t forget a dollop of tomato sauce for sweetness and that extra tang.” The gravy recipe in the middle of the song is real. Kelly got it from his father-in-law.
Joe apologizes to “Angus and Frank and Dolly. Tell ’em all I’m sorry. I screwed up this time.” He hopes Mary’s new boyfriend is better than the last one, who was so clueless he “didn’t get Nina Simone.” He sings that he’s “even gonna miss Roger ’cause there’s sure as hell no one in here I want to fight.” Joe plans to “pray to Baby Jesus” on Christmas and “miss all the treasure and the trash.”
More than anything, Joe’s worried about Rita. He’ll “be thinking of her on Christmas morning.” Dan is allowed to dance with Rita but: “Don’t hold her too close. You know I love her badly. She’s the one who’ll save me.”
Click here and feel sad not only for Joe, but for Dan, Rita and the kids. Smell the roast, feel the heat and hear the hearts break.
The lyrics are sad enough, but a video from 2021 includes people lip syncing the words while holding up signs for the one they’re missing:
I miss you Pop
I miss you Mum
Te extraño
Miss you from 13,533 kilometers away
To my family back in Dublin, I miss you, but not the rain
204 days since I’ve seen you
Christmas is never the same without you
Mum misses you making gravy
Paul Kelly
The lip syncers are parents who miss their children, children who miss their parents, children who miss parents they’ve never met, people hugging children for the ones who can’t, cooks making gravy with extra dollops of tomato sauce, and one guy singing outside a church. Several wipe tears from their eyes.
How to Make Gravy is, according to one poll, the No. 1 Christmas song in Australia and a “Song of the Year” nominee. Spotify has two dozen covers of How to Make Gravy. Australians celebrate the quasi-national holiday Gravy Day on Dec. 21. Paul Kelly gave a Ted Talk on How to Make Gravy. A movie based on How to Make Gravy is set to be released next December.
The most joyful version is by 2,800 singers and the Queensland Chamber Orchestra. They gathered in the City Hall in Brisbane to sing three-part harmony with such love that it makes you cry, laugh and smile.
The last lines promise joy on the other side of pain:
I’m gonna make some gravy.
I’m gonna taste the fat.
Tell her that I’m sorry.
Yeah I love her badly.
Tell ’em all I’m sorry,
and kiss the sleepy children for me.
You know one of these days,
I’ll be making gravy.
I’ll be making plenty.
I’m gonna pay ’em all back.
We have to believe Joe got out on good behavior. We have to hope that on Christmas, he’ll have a roast in the oven. He’ll put a dollop of tomato sauce in a huge batch of gravy. Mary will have another new boyfriend. This one will be smart enough to get Nina Simone. After dinner, Joe will dance with Rita, really close. Dan, Stella and the kids will laugh, because there is joy beyond sadness. Joe will pray to Jesus and say thank you.
Brett Younger
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.
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