It is a dark irony that people who claim to stand for truth can so effectively bury the truth about abuse.
Although it never should have been her story, Jennifer Lyell was one of many who bravely reported abuse at the hands of a Southern Baptist leader. In the wake of her report and others, a Guidepost investigation was ordered in 2022 that found the Southern Baptist Convention had kept quiet a list of 703 church leaders accused of abuse. Guidepost found that from 2007 to 2022, SBC leaders largely did nothing with the compiled victims’ reports and instead dismissed, trivialized and belittled them.
Guidepost made 17 recommendations to the SBC to initiate sexual abuse reform, including an offender database, a survivor compensation fund, trauma-informed training and resources for churches.
Melissa Rogers
Since 2022, Lyell and others have been mocked, slandered and sued because of their stories. A week ago Saturday, Jennifer died of a stroke at age 47. In 2023, the SBC launched its proposed database. Now, two years later, it’s dead, too.
“At this point, it’s not a focus for us,” Jeff Iorg, head of the SBC Executive Committee, told reporters in February.
Why? After all the publicity, after all the legal investigations, after all the outrage, why has nothing changed? No abuse charges have been filed; the database is abandoned; the stories of those like Lyell are left ignored, and new atrocities at the hands of Christian leaders are reported every day.
Why? Because there are some things a database can’t do.
Databases can’t change culture. Indicting one seminary professor can’t change culture. Mailing resources to churches can’t change culture, and appointing one man to implement abuse reform in an international organization for sure won’t change culture.
“Databases can’t change culture.”
If an organization persists in protecting its image, exalting authority and valuing conformity over compassion despite public disgrace, then the problem isn’t just the list of abusers, it’s the culture that protects them. Identifying abuse isn’t just about uncovering the scandal, it’s about identifying the culture that fosters it and hides it and reproduces it over and over again.
We are all a part of relationships in our homes, work places and communities. These relationships have a dynamic, a culture, and they have the potential to be either healing or harmful. Because we all have inherent human value, we should be able to expect our churches, schools, marriages, friendships to be free of abuse. But in order to demand and courageously fight for that freedom like Jennifer Lyell, we have to know what abuse culture looks like at its roots.
There are markers that help identify when a culture or relationship is emotionally or spiritually abusive. Oftentimes they’re hiding in plain sight, masquerading as phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “don’t cause disunity” or “all sins are equal so forgive and forget.” Underneath these phrases are root issues common in abusive relationships. Control makes obedience feel like belonging and disagreement like disloyalty. Gaslighting makes the other person doubt their experience or downplays and invalidates concerns.
When there is no accountability, one person is untouchable and never takes responsibility. Isolation and silencing cut off people from outside help and relationships and paint questioning as dangerous. Fear-based relationships keep people walking on eggshells to avoid retaliation or public shunning. When conflict resolution is not allowed, there is no option to report harm and complaints are turned back on the victim. Smear campaigns paint one group or person as sinful or unstable and spin false stories to control their image. Guilt and obligation are used to make well-being and suffering only one person’s responsibility. Minimizing harm dismisses a person’s pain, blames emotions as the problem or reframes abuse as misunderstanding.
It’s normal for these red flags to show up in scattered moments. We may see them in ourselves. When they show up in multiples over and over, however, you can be sure emotional abuse is the modus operandi, and emotional and spiritual abuse are the bedfellows of all the abuse that lands people on lists and databases.
Recommendations like the Guidepost’s are necessary, albeit currently ignored in the SBC, but we cannot afford to assume that change happens only through policies. Change needs you and I to see the problems’ roots, to bravely call a spade a spade, and to be unwilling to allow emotional abuse to continue hiding in our relationships, organizations and churches.
Culture matters, and abuse only begets more abuse. Let’s don’t let anyone bury the truth. Ignoring abusive systems is not neutral. By ignoring, you will be wounded by it, numb to it or formed into it. Demand databases. Demand resources. But demand more than that. Look for the signs and demand relational culture change all the way down to the roots.
Melissa Rogers lives in Russellville, Ark., is a mother of four, an English teacher, graphic designer and writer. She is happiest with a book and with the trees.
Related articles:
Jennifer Lyell, key figure in SBC abuse crisis, dies after brief illness
A guide to understanding this week’s conversations about the SBC and sexual abuse
Megan Basham goes after Jennifer Lyell even in death