“Servants in the church are to be committed to their spouses, attentive to their own children, and diligent in looking after their own affairs.” (1 Tim. 3:12, The Message)
In the list of deacon qualifications (1 Timothy 3:8-13), Paul makes it clear that the deacon’s home life should be exemplary. This does not mean perfect, however, or no one would qualify!
In fact, every family faces challenges of one kind or another. A deacon’s children are no more (or less) saintly than a pastor’s. Still, of all the families in the church requiring ministry of some kind, the deacon’s own family should be first and foremost on his or her list. How ironic that some pastors, and presumably some deacons, devote time to other families while his or her own are in want of their nurture.
What sage advice should be given to a deacon, then, to “minister” to his or her own family?
First, be the person at home that you are at church. Children not only are very perceptive in spotting inconsistencies between your public and private selves, but can have trouble respecting you if the inconsistencies are great enough and prolonged enough. The word “integrity” comes from the word “integer” which means “whole” or “unfractured.” In math, an integer is a whole number. Integrity then, at its core, means that a person is one and the same at home, at work and at church.
Unfortunately, we live in an age that values compartmentalizing our lives into different parts. “Business is business,” we have heard it said, as though the world of commerce and industry have a different moral compass than other parts of our lives. Former President Bill Clinton is said to have been a master at compartmentalizing. On the positive side, this allowed him to deal with multiple issues without one affecting his decisions about the other. On the other hand, it also enabled him to go to church on Palm Sunday in the morning and dally with Monica Lewinski in the afternoon. Integrity of character cannot exist if conflicting values can dwell within us comfortably with one not impacting the others. Rather, integrity is being the same person and holding the same values on Monday as on Sunday.
Second, be careful with your criticism. While serving as a pastor, I once asked an adult member who had grown up in the church why he never attended. His answer surprised me. He said during his childhood he had heard so many bad things about the church it soured his whole attitude. He decided that as soon as he could make his own decisions, he would no longer go to church. I wish I could say that eventually he developed sufficient trust in the church that he returned. But he didn’t. No doubt other factors also played a part in his decision, but the criticisms loomed huge in his mind.
A child hearing a parent criticize a pastor or another church member does not have the maturity nor the powers of judgment to place the critical comments in perspective. They are likely to draw conclusions about a person, or the whole church, based on what she or he has heard a parent say. In contrast, emphasize positive points of your church and praise those who are working hard for the cause of Christ.
A Purdue University report quotes the findings of relationship researcher John Gottman in saying the magic ratio balancing positive and negative experiences is 5 to 1 (See http://www.extension.purdue.Edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-744-W.pdf). For every one negative feeling or interaction there must be five positive feelings or interactions to balance it.
Third, to the extent it is appropriate and they are receptive, involve your children in your ministry. I remember vividly helping my dad load firewood into the back of our family station wagon and taking it to a family Dad had learned about. After introducing himself to the wife as a deacon from the Baptist church and meeting the children and husband who lay critically ill in the living room, we unloaded the wood which they used to heat their home. This was the first of many visits to that family during the man’s illness and after his death. This, and other similar acts of kindness, caused me to see my dad not only as my father, but as a compassionate man whom others relied on for help. I remember being proud of my dad and wanting to be like him. As a sidebar, the wife and children subsequently became Chris-tians and faithful members of our church.
Lessons in ministry are “caught” more than “taught.” By observing ministries performed in your role as a deacon your children will catch valuable insights into servant leadership.
Finally, remember that ministry in your own family very often takes the form of fun. Within the walls of our own homes we seldom think of our interactions with family members as ministry, but they can be precisely that. Do things together that you all enjoy. Find your fun and don’t feel guilty. Some of the best ministry you will ever perform is having a great time with your own children.
Oh, and by the way. This all applies to your pastor, too.
Jim White ([email protected]) is executive editor of the Religious Herald.