I broke up with my alma mater this week. Irreconcilable differences. A couple of my friends already have gone through this process. It’s a bit disjointing.
A few weeks ago, I attended a fundraising luncheon hosted by my faith-based alma mater. I’d been out of touch with the university since graduating decades ago and I was curious. One of my fellow alumni said he had regained hope after meeting the president and thought it was a good time for local alumni to meet.
Annette Miller
The president spoke. Some advancement officials spoke. Old memories of university traditions, former acquaintances and intellectual challenges and growth surfaced. Was I in?
But I had unanswered questions. Would students with nontraditional gender differences be welcome or criticized? Were women treated on a level playing field with men? Does the university teach religious beliefs that can lead to paralyzing guilt, feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem? Are they open to thinking outside the box when it comes to identifying the divine?
A couple of weeks after the event, an advancement official sent a nice email to me, inviting me to a coffee meeting. Unsure, I researched the university’s values and core beliefs as well as their affiliations. What was revealed was that my alma mater and I were far from being in sync.
Turning to one of my mentors who had a similar experience, I asked her for advice. She encouraged me to be open and clear with the university about our differences.
So, I penned the letter below and sent it this week.
Dear (Advancement Official),
While I am tempted to wax eloquently on the positive influences XXX had on my life as a college student, I find that now there are many differences between us. While XXX was my first formal teacher of critical thinking (my mother, an XXX grad, was the first), my personal evolution has placed me far from XXX.
In brief, here are some beliefs I cannot support. The following are not divine or psychologically healthy in my opinion:
- Patriarchy
- A lack of equality based on gender differences
- A belief that humans are inherently flawed
- A conviction that the Bible is perfect
In my experiences and studies with mental health, for example, I have seen and felt the damage spiritual abuse and discrimination cause. This occurs when unhealthy beliefs are used as standards to judge others.
I support healthy thinking and universal love. Jesus taught people to love God, love others and love oneself. This includes healthy worship, nondiscrimination and healthy self-esteem.
While I would like to rekindle my fondness for XXX, I cannot with its current stances. For the sake of well-being and kindness for all humankind and sustainability of the Earth, my support is elsewhere.
I appreciated the opportunity to attend the XXX luncheon and to meet you and the other XXX officials there. Thank you for the chance to reconnect and for reaching out to me.
While this letter hopefully wasn’t condemning, it was clear on my stance and that I couldn’t support the university. After sending the letter, I felt sad yet resolved and strong.
If you are in the midst of such a dilemma of taking a stand, let me encourage you to take two actions. Become clear in your mind as to your viewpoints and talk it over with a friend who is your advocate. As you take actions to support your beliefs, you may feel a similar relief like I felt.
Annette Miller is president of LifeSync Leadership and chief of staff of Jesse C. Fletcher Seminary. She is the author of Fireflies Dancing in the Dark: Hope in Challenging Times and a speaker on mental well-being and resilience.