In his memoir, The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Man, Paul Newman writes, “I wonder what my old age is going to be like, because I really don’t have many friends. It’s hard to feel lonely in New York, but I do sometimes. When Joanne is out of town, or I’ve been by myself longer than I’ve been accustomed to, I realize there aren’t a lot of people I can count on, and the ones I can count on are few and far between. If I wanted company, I wouldn’t know who to call. Most of the people I know well aren’t around, so I just walk around the house and bump into things.”
Brett Younger
Can you believe that? Butch Cassidy, Henry Gondorff and “Fast Eddie” Felson do not have friends. Everybody loves Cool Hand Luke. How can Paul Newman think he has no friends?
Let me explain to those who were born after The Verdict. Paul Newman is the face on the salad dressing, spaghetti sauce and popcorn. Paul Newman was Paul Rudd, Paul Bettany and Paul Walker, all rolled into one and better. Paul Newman was St. Paul. If Paul Newman did not have real friends, what chance do we have?
Our friendships are not as good as the ones in the movies — Thelma and Louise, Timon and Pumbaa, Harold and Kumar, Marlin and Dory, and Goose and Maverick. Our friendships are not as good as the ones on TV — Grace and Frankie, Joey and Chandler, Rory and Lane, James and the other Derry Girls, and The Flash and Green Arrow. (I have not actually seen The Arrowverse but am trying to sound current.)
We feel like our friendships should be more fun, because social media lies. The big lie is that everyone else is at a party that never stops. Our everyday lives do not compare to the friends who are always on a beach, looking skinny and drinking margaritas at a surprise Taylor Swift concert.
“We feel like our friendships should be more fun, because social media lies.”
Most do not feel like they have good friends. When we were children, making friends was as simple as playing on the swings together. But as adults, making friends is hard. According to one study, the average American adult has not made a new friend in five years.
We are not sure who to trust. We have been burned before. BFFs do not last forever. We have not worn our matching Halloween costumes in years. We do not have the friends we want because the friends we want do not want to be our friends or we will never find them or we do not fit in with anyone anyway.
We are too busy to have friends. We have demanding work schedules, involved family lives and little time left for friendships. We say, “We have to get together” and almost never do. Researchers estimate it takes 50 hours of shared contact to move from acquaintances to casual friends. To be a close friend? More than 200 hours.
COVID made lying on the couch the default position. The meme pictures a woman wrapped up in a blanket with the caption, “Making new friends is hard, because the people I would like don’t want to leave the couch either.”
Bingeing Yellowstone may be easy, but not having friends is bad for us. Chronic loneliness is lethal. Some doctors claim it is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Not having friends is terrible for our health. If we want full lives, we need friends. Each person is a new world we will not know without being friends, but we are reticent to open ourselves to friendship, as though we do not think other people want friends.
If we want to be around people, we should invite people to be around us. Take the time to develop new friendships. Make the most of the time we have. Avoid distractions and be present with one another. Listen to what others are saying. Figure out what they really mean.
Find small ways to be a friend. Send a text, share a gift, or have a three-minute conversation rather than just a hello. Look at the people at work and ask who might need a friend like you. Join a group that shares your interests — running or gardening or writing.
Go to church. Invite someone to church. God calls us to joyful friendship, to Friends kind of friendship, “I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour, ’cause you’re there for me too.” Rihanna’s Umbrella kind of friendship, “When the sun shines, we’ll shine together” Golden Girls, “Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant” Dorothy-Blanche-Rose-Sophia kind of friendship.
We are the friends someone needs. We can be the kind of friends Paul Newman wished he had.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.
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