I’m so on your side. I’m a tremendous pastor.
I’m also a billionaire. I could self-fund this church. If you call me to be your pastor, we’ll have so much money we’ll all be saying “Merry Christmas” again, and not just in December.
When I’m your pastor, we’ll be winning again. That’s the problem with churches. We’re not winning anymore.
And I’ll be sure to deal with Lying Larry — that scum. Everybody knows he says he’ll bring something to the potluck but never does. What a fraud!
Also, if you call me to be your pastor, I’ll build a wall around our parking lot to keep the non-members from getting near the building. The best part — I’m going to make them pay for it!
You don’t need to worry about the shifting demographics in your community because I’m going to make your church great again. If any of those new neighbors show up, we’ll send ’em off on stretchers — just like the good old days.
You would like to hear my personal testimony … um … ahem … OK. [Pulls out index card from left breast pocket.]
“Christianity — I owe so much to it in so many ways. Through life, through having incredible children, through so many other things.” [Returns card to pocket during long moment of awkward silence.]
Did I mention that if you hire me as your pastor you’ll be winning? As a church, we’ll be winning so much we’ll get tired of winning. We’ll be winning lawsuits that challenge our tax exempt status. We’ll win angry members from other churches who are fed up with lesser pastors. Most of all, we’ll be winning people for Jesus. Jesus loves winning. If you love Jesus, you’ll hire me.
Rumor has it I’m born-again. I’m not sure what that means but nevertheless, I’m a fabulous Christian. I even went to college with two Corinthians.
Did I mention that I once owned a university? My experience would serve your Christian education program — the best Sunday school ever! Everybody will love us. Heck, we’ll even charge double for admission to VBS. I’m sorry, did you just say that VBS is free?
My family? Oh my family is very supportive. In fact, they are the best part about who I am. If you hire me, all our communion wine will come from my son’s vineyard. It’s the best. It pairs so well with those cute little crackers.
Speaking of family, if I become your pastor, do you think it would be too much trouble to write my family businesses into the church budget? As I mentioned, I’m a billionaire, and I do like money.
Servant leadership? I’ve never heard the term before, but I can promise you this, I love my servants.
What do I think about your facilities? I thought you’d never ask. I have properties all over the world, and I’ve got some great ideas for the sanctuary. The first thing I would change is the name of the church, to my name. If you put my name on the side of your building people will come from all over just to visit. We’ll have more visitors than any of the other churches. That sounds like winning to me. I promise, we’ll make this church great again. It’ll be huge!
Disciples? I’m great at making disciples. They love me big down in South Carolina. In fact, I won the whole South. I have the best followers.
My followers are so much better than the last pastor’s. What a loser! I hear his ordination certificate was faked. When it comes to real clergy, he’s certainly not one of us — not to mention the suits. I buy toilet paper more expensive than those suits.
My thoughts on women in church leadership? [with sly grin] If you ask me there’s nothing better than a smokin’ hot body in the body of Christ, so if she’s hot then I’m definitely for it.
I feel like I should mention my experience in interfaith dialogue. I’ve even been quoted on TV. All the faiths love me.
How would I handle church staff conflict? Two words: “You’re fired!” I’ll get rid of all these has-beens and bring in top people. I’m not ready to give any names today, but I assure you — only the best people will serve on my staff.
I hear the last pastor worked on racial reconciliation. I have a few opinions on that ….
(Part one of a two-part exercise in satire. Part two will have excerpts from Hillary Clinton’s interview with the same search committee.)