Sometimes I’m tough on my kids. Once my daughter was lined up to spend the night with her grandparents, but she disobeyed her teacher at school that day and I made her stay home. She missed out on a great treat and spent most of the evening crying. Once I gave my daughter some M&Ms and she looked in her hand and said, “Only three?” I took them back, and she had to watch tearfully while her sister and I enjoyed our candy. Once I asked my daughter to help me and she decided she didn’t want to. A little later she asked me to turn on her favorite show, and I said no. Much weeping and wailing ensued. Some people might ask, “How could you do that to your children?”
Here’s the thing. Lessons must be learned, right? Do any of us want our kids learning the hard lessons from people who don’t love them and want them to succeed? Isn’t it better for these lessons to be taught in the safe home environment where the stakes are television and candy, rather than in the real world where much more significant things can be lost? Perhaps it seems petty to punish a child for something that could easily be overlooked. There was no real harm done, right? Surely I could have given her a few more M&Ms or spared a few seconds to work the television remote.
I could have overlooked the behavior problem at school, maybe even blamed the teacher and explained that my baby would never do anything like that. I could have overlooked the lack of gratitude and agreed that she did deserve more. I could have given her the whole bag and apologized for offending her. I could have overlooked the lack of helpfulness and reciprocity and just done everything myself and told her that she should expect people to do things for her even if she doesn’t do anything for them.
But the lessons have to be learned, don’t they? What does the real world do to people who think they can safely defy authority? How does the real world react to people who do not believe they need to show gratitude? How do real relationships work with people who expect things to be one-sided? When I think of the punishment that children experience when parents don’t teach them the lessons of life, I wonder, “How could you do that to your children?”
Yes it’s hard. We missed out on a quiet night together. We endured tears and upset that could have been avoided. But then, we have children who realize the importance of behaving well, that if they are ungrateful they may lose things they like, and that helping others makes them more likely to help you. Parents have the choice of teaching children a healthy respect for virtues and good choices, or teaching them that they should be able to do whatever they want without consequences.
What do you want to do to your children?
Bruce Powers is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at FaithShapers@gmail.com. Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith (diane.smith@vbmb.org) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board’s emerging leaders team.