In Philippians 3:14, Paul writes, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize ….” He is talking about his life as a Christian, but this passage came to mind as I thought about how to approach parenting from a Christian perspective.
Parents have a lofty goal, with the prize of seeing our children flourish and take their place in the Kingdom of God. When Paul addresses running for the prize in 1 Corinthians 9:26, he states, “I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.” I think his point is very true for parents—we cannot be aimless or unfocused in our efforts. In order to stay on track, we need to keep our long-term goals clearly in mind, even when circumstances draw our attention to more short-term concerns. When we start feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life, we usually shift into survival mode, in which all we can think about is how to get through what's happening right now. It's necessary sometimes, but when we get over-focused on surviving in the short-term, we tend to lose sight of our long-term goals.
In survival mode, our mindset shifts to, “How can I keep this child out of my hair?” We tend to focus on keeping our children from doing “bad” or disruptive things. That is not necessarily wrong, but it takes our eyes away from the prize. Using long-term thinking, we keep our goal in sight. Our mindset becomes, “How can I help my child grow up to be a great adult?” This helps us focus on every issue as a chance for learning and growing, rather than simply a problem to be solved. When we have our long-term goal firmly in mind, we can more effectively select behaviors to encourage or discourage, we can structure family rules and roles in ways that are strategic, and we can use our energy more efficiently.
I think we all recognize that taking our eyes off of long-term goals can result in simply doing whatever seems right at the time. Imagine taking a trip without knowing exactly where you want to go—wouldn't any given road seem just as good? The reason we are able to pick routes on a trip is simply because we know our goal, and that allows us to assess roads according to how effectively they will get us to our destination. When we let survival mode take over, we are essentially approaching every choice as if any given option is just as good as the others—and thus running aimlessly.
With parenting, every option is not equal. The path we are trying to guide our children along is quite narrow, and if we are to guide them well, we must strive to retain our focus on the goal. That requires that we resist survival mode and consistently remind ourselves of what we're trying to accomplish. Let's keep our eyes on the prize!
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected]. Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board's emerging leaders team.